IT'S A MASS EXODUS (BACHELOR RECAP)
Women are leaving left and right. Some are victims of sabotage. Some leave because they have self respect, and they are gonna prove it goddammit. And Demi is out, well, because Colton does not want her to mount him and shit was getting real dangerous there for a second. But as the women - Onyeka, Nicole, Sydney, Demi, and Katie - head into the dark dark night, they leave cryptic warnings in their wake. Women are there FOR THE WRONG REASONS. Some might not even be ready for marriage! What?! You don’t think that the chick who just had her first kiss yesterday is ready for marriage? COLTON IS SHOOK.
We open on Colton brooding on the beach, wearing a suit with a friendship bracelet. He uses the bracelet’s powers to summon Chris Harrison to the shores to hold him. Time for the ROSE CEREMONY. Colton either has a bug or a tear in his eye. He’s going to continue to follow his heart and find his way.
GOODBYE FOREVER ONYEKA AND NICOLE.
It’s time to go to VIETNAM! The producers gather the girls onto a balcony and have them yell GOOD MORNING VIETNAM, but none of them know who Robin Williams is until they’re reminded that their nannies showed them Mrs. Doubtfire that one time and wow that was an old movie, but cute!
ELFIN HANNAH 1:1
Elfin Hannah and Colton are at a spa which is really just a cover for some softcore porn. I’m embarrassed for both of them and their entire families. Colton hides his erection under a banana leaf, not a metaphor.
“Opening up is not my thing” Elfin Hannah says at dinner. “It’s not my jam.” LOL. She invokes her parents divorce in place of any interesting pathos or backstory. Her mom drove her car on the grass her dad loved so much —> this is the moment that broke Elfin Hannah. Colton psychologizes this and sounds like an idiot. He also has divorce pain from his parents. These two should totally get married, they have a handle on life.
ELFIN HANNAH GETS THE ROSE.
The heauxs have their athletic gear on so they can “fight for love.” Hannah B says she woke up this morning as Hannah BEAST.
It’s time for the bitches to beat the shit out of each other. Sydney attacks Heather Been Kissed One Time with a real vengeance. Hannah B. attacks Cassie and it’s squeal squeal squeal. Demi is going up against Katie, who I have no idea who she is, but Katie beats Demi’s ass anyway. Showing a deep understanding of women, Colton is like, “I wanted this to be fun for everyone…. But seeing Demi coil up…. It wasn’t good.”
DRINKS! Colton and Tayshia say some shit to each other and make out. Colton talks to this Katie person who has been a total nonentity this whole time. WHO ARE YOU KATIE. It’s hard for her to show her emotions, she says. She thinks she may appear monotone… and like, YES, GIRL, CORRECT. She cries. Then she’s like, I could see him meeting my family. Bitch I haven’t even met you.
Hannah B has her craziest smile on and yawn snooze she tells Colton she’s complicated. Sydney and Tayshia talk about how so many of the girls are just “shiny objects.” Demi’s like, let’s call my mom who just got out of prison together. DEAR LORD. Demi is happy her mom is out of prison and being “a good girl.” Sydney goes to talk to Colton because she NEEDS MORE. He’s like poor me, I don’t have everything figured out. And then the NBA CHEERLEADER says, you’re making the easy choices with these other dumb heauxs and sends her own ass home. HE’S REELING. This does seem like a new record of heauxs leaving on their own accord, amirite?
TAYSHIA GETS THE ROSE.
Kirpa runs down the beach and goes for the mount and is it just me or did they both seem to have trouble executing it? Kirpa is no longer wearing the band aid on her chin but she feels worried about her slow connection with Colton. Kirpa reveals she was engaged to a virgin for 8 years so she’s cool with waiting for marriage, and he’s like, wait, hold up, I’m not waiting for marriage, I was just waiting for national tv, okurrrrr! He’s like can you get engaged at the end of this, and she’s like, sure. These two have spoken maybe twice in their lives.
KIRPA GETS THE ROSE.
BACK AT THE RANCH
Demi puts on her shortest shorts and lipstick to SEDUCE COLTON. She threatens that after tonight he might not be a virgin anymore. CONSENT IS AN ENTHUSIASTIC YES DEMI GAWD. She drops the I’m falling in love with you moment. And he’s like, I appreciate that and then dumps her. She definitely does not see that coming and must be comforted by her sister-wives.
NO COCKTAIL PARTY THEY ARE SHOOK.
Goodbye Katie, we hardly knew ya. Doubt begins to overwhelm Colton. So much so that we get to see him talking to a producer with a real dumb look on his face. Next week he finally—