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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

MIS-BEE-HAVIN' (RHOC RECAP)

MIS-BEE-HAVIN' (RHOC RECAP)

Welp, I have whiplash. What didn’t happen on this episode of RHOC? We cried, we raged, we showed boobies, we laughed, we repented, we loved, we showed more boobies, we dabbled in beekeeping, we drank to excess, we squeezed breast milk out of friend’s still lactating breasts, which involved yet more boobs. I’m exhausted. 

Tensions are high from the jump. The ladies are deep into their wellness retreat in Arizona and so far, the gang has aired grievances, wept, and visited urgent care. Very namaste.

After a rousing aerial yoga session, Vicki and Kelly bicker about Vicki’s incessant lying. When Kelly storms off, Vicki claims that she has proof that Kelly is a terrible person. She recently learned that Kelly isn’t allowed to enter her daughter’s school. Emily uses her high-priced lawyer skills to suss out that Vicki is once again making up vicious rumors...basically Vicki has no answers to “Where did you hear this rumor?” THE PROSECUTION RESTS!

Emily, Shannon, and Tamra remind Vickie that it’s wrong to make up or repeat damaging rumors and Vicki is like “I wasn’t repeating it. I was REpeating it. See the difference there.”

Emily tells Kelly about Vicki’s lie, and Kelly flies into a fit of blind rage, which culminates in her calling Shannon to scream about Vicki’s psychosis. Vicki, who is also in the room with Shannon, is like, “Why would Emily tell her I said that? You don’t repeat things willy-nilly. That’s wrong.” Vicki, you myopic, amoral creature from another dimension, repeating things willy-nilly is the ONLY currency you deal in. GET A GODDAMN GRIP!

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To shake off the warmongering, the ladies head out to a beehive where they harass a hot beekeeper and learn all about the sex lives of bees. Which honestly sound a lot tamer than the sex lives of these cougars. Kelly hangs back in the hot tub to decompress, and she strips down and facetimes her teenage daughter, as one is wont to do. Kelly asks a few compelling questions this episode: Why do Tamra and Shannon continue to invite Vicki out if Vicki has been so vicious to Kelly? Do they actually care about Kelly? Unfortunately, a lot of this gets lost in translation since Kelly almost exclusively communicates in curse words and high-pitched howling noises.

After the bee excursion, Emily and Gina apologize for fighting with each other and snuggle for a while. Emily seems so vulnerable and kind and her shitty husband and her shitty friends make me love her all the more. I would totally be part of a show about a  brilliant, goofy, big-hearted lawyer starting over in a new town and defending the innocent...A Dick Wolf Production.

The ladies come together for some make-your-own drinks-and-salads. One thing I know about salads is that they don’t absorb alcohol very well, not even for grizzled old drunkards from the OC. The ladies get absolutely tanked and Braunwyn concedes that she’s still lactating and lets Kelly milk her at dinner to prove it. As one is wont to do.

During dinner, Kelly regales the table with her Vegas escapades, which included visiting a car-crushing yard, painting Vicki’s name onto a car, and crushing it. And then, just like that, a dam breaks. Kelly wails that she doesn’t want to fight with Vicki anymore. Vicki wails that she surrenders. They hold each other. Tamra and Shannon look smug AF, like somehow they brought forth this reconciliation. Which is TOTAL BS because those two have been fomenting strife between Kelly and Vicki forever to create drama on the show. The only thing they should be taking credit for is keeping the tequila industry thriving and cultural appropriation.

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Then everyone but Gina gets pretty naked and they all go hot tubbing. Braunwyn reveals that for her husband’s 40th birthday, they had a threesome. Gina, Tamra, and Emily, are like “Who? How? With What? Does that mean you’re gay? Am I gay? Am I real? Is there a god? Are you hungry cuz I could go for a burger?”

After this episode, so could I. 

BUH BYE, ELLEN. (THOTS & PRAYERS FOR HEAUXS)

BUH BYE, ELLEN. (THOTS & PRAYERS FOR HEAUXS)

THE BONK HEARD ROUND THE WORLD (RHOC RECAP)

THE BONK HEARD ROUND THE WORLD (RHOC RECAP)