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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER (BACHELOR RECAP)

THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER (BACHELOR RECAP)

DID CHRIS HARRISON JUST SAY THIS IS THREE HOURS LONG?

Um, losing your virginity takes 15 minutes tops.

There are so so many things that are uncomfortable about this episode, but possibly the most glaring is the Super Bowl-esque roll-out. We’ve got fan parties all over the country, we’ve got Goose and Breathy-Voice in a hot tub, we’ve got Chris Harrison’s mom, we’ve got multiple fan betrothals, and we’ve got literally hours of white people trying their hardest to convince us that Colton losing his virginity is THE MOST IMPORTANT DRAMATIC EVENT OF 2019.

For all the hype they were throwing at us, you’d think I’d feel, well, something.

Instead I just felt like this:

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and like this:

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Colton’s got to meet 30 women tonight. Dear god, that’s more than the entire U.S.A. Olympic Women’s Hockey Team. But before we can meet the contestants, we have to get to know Colton.

We meet him the old fashioned way: nude and in the shower. He brushes droplets of water all around his head and face and chest and presumably virginal tweens all around America flood their basements. Old bitter broads like myself are like, who cares? We already know he hasn’t had a lot of (any) sex so I know he’s not good at that. How about show him doing the dishes, vacuuming, balancing his checkbook, contributing to a high-earning retirement plan, putting gas in the car, taking out the trash, making his bed, composing a list of his accomplishments that don’t involve football. NOW I’M TURNED ON.

Alas, all we get is Colton’s hot bod and a sob story about how he used to be a chubby little kid and that turned him into the man he is today. GIRL. If this is all they could dig up to establish some pathos for this guy, we’re in for a LONG season.

Also, somebody hit dem Crest white strips hard over the break, okurr!

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LETS MEET THE LADIES!

Demi
She’s the one who says she hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12 and I am still completely confused about what we are supposed to extrapolate from that??

Heather, never been kissed
Never Been Kissed? All I can think is Hairballs in the Shower. Her hair is so so long. She’s also gorgeous, but side eye to the whole first kiss on The Bachelor storyline.

Nicole
Speaks in Espanol. Havana ooh la la.

Caelynn
Pageant heaux. Miss North Carolina, or MISS UNDERWOOD IF YOU’RE NASTY. (What? Are you too young for a Janet Jackson reference? Damn.)

Cassie
In a floral romantic dress, with a box of butterflies. I literally sprang up on the couch like:

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Apparently Cassie is not a Drag Race superfan because hers were fake. But for some reason I like her, I find her compelling. She’s gorgeous in a kind way and has a real job. He must like her too because he pockets one of her butterflies, not a euphemism, he has not lost his virginity yet, I mean we’re gonna be here at least through March, amirite.

Caitlyn
Brings a red balloon and pops his cherry and like EW GIRL NO. Pretty sure no guy is gonna be turned on by this, #patriarchy.

Some Chick in a Cop Car
Says she’s the wardrobe police but is wearing a crop top. Let’s him keep her handcuffs for the fantasy suites and now I know literally no one on this show has realistic expectations of Colton.

Alex
Cue cards because she’s sick, doesn’t say a word.

Bri the Fake Australian
A lot’s been said about this and I’m very lol at how riled people got about this “lie.” LOL, a fake accent is where you draw the morality line? PLEASE.

Annie
Knows how many points you get when you score a touchdown.

Jane
Photoshopped a pic of her dog with Colton’s dog. Immediately tells the girls: “You guys, my dog is all I’m thinking about! Colton as well. BUT MY DOG!” ICONIC.

Catherine / Jennifer Coolidge
Gives Colton her dog, everyone is like SO. JEALOUS. Looks like a blow up doll and laughs like a blow up doll. Heh heh heh.

Chick in a Cinderella Carriage.
Looks old at 28. I think this says more about the cast than her. Leaves a shoe. Dumb. He’ll probably like it. He stares at the shoe thoughtfully.

IS COLTON READY THE GIRLS WANT TO KNOW?

He walks into the mansion and all the girls squeal, it’s a nightmare, the only one I relate to is the sloth.

It’s time for the epic “Can I steal him?” portion of the evening where it’s a round robin of gals in sparkly dresses trying to mount Colton.

Erika with the fishtail braid thinks it’s SO WEIRD he’s a virgin. She demands he calls her “McNut.” She demands to know why he’s a virgin. He says he’s waiting for the right person. She advises him to keep his virginity special in a way that makes it clear that she obviously did not. SAVAGE.

He kisses Miss North Carolina after complimenting her eyes. She’s thrilled.

Chris brings in the first impression rose and the girls go apoplectic.

The sloth is moaning in a tree. I fucking LOVE HER. My 9 year old son says she’s the girl he would want because she “loves animals.”

Tayshia puts on a snorkel and blows a whistle and screams, “COLTON, I HEARD YOU WERE DROWNING IN SOME BITCHES!” so apparently she is now our queen.

The sick girl croaks at him about her dog rescue in Vancouver. He gives the first impression rose to the tiniest blonde Hannah. She looks like a twelve year old elfin girl. Her energy “lifts him up.” He bestows a kiss on her.

ROSE CEREMONY

Some heauxs stay, some heauxs go home. But I guess I will continue watching this season just to see Colton jump that fence in one fell swoop and all the internet’s ensuing memes! BRING ME YOUR BEST.

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WHO DAT PINEAPPLE? (THE MASKED SINGER RECAP)

WHO DAT PINEAPPLE? (THE MASKED SINGER RECAP)

HANDICAPPING THE DRAG RACE FANTASY LEAGUE

HANDICAPPING THE DRAG RACE FANTASY LEAGUE