CRAZY BORING WHITE PEOPLE (BACHELOR RECAP)
ALERT ALERT ALERT: this Crazy Rich Asians sequel is BORING AS HELL.
We’re back in the Bachelor Mansion and Chris tells the girls that they’re going to a place that the show has never been before. IS IT BOYSTOWN??? Nope, it’s Singapore. The girls lose their shit, squealing and writhing, and I’m like, not one of these bitches could find Singapore on a map. NOT ONE.
Elfin Hannah appears and asks the camera, where is Singapore? And like HAVEN’T ANY OF THESE HEAUXS SEEN CRAZY RICH ASIANS OR HEAVEN FORBID READ THE DAMN BOOK. Girls, this book is for you. It’s for your exact reading level. Try it.
HOLEEEEEEEE SHIT. These two Einsteins walk up to a beach. They walk to the shore. They put their matching white sneakers in the wet sand. A wave slowly rolls in and wets their shoes. They jump back SHOCKED. “My feet are now soaked!” Tayshia says. Um, yes bitch, that’s what happens when you put your fucking foot in a wave, what the hell are you thinking?
Colton says they’re gonna go bungy jumping (BUNGY? BUNGEE. BUNJI. VANGIE.) and she can’t believe it. YOU’RE KIDDING RIGHT?? I mean, shut your mouth, have you ever even seen this show, obviously this is what you’re doing.
Colton then tells us that not only did professional football hold him back from losing his virginity, it also prevented him from doing adventurous things like bungee jumping. WAHHHHH THE SACRIFICES HE MADE.
They jump, they feel like heroes, wheeeeeee. She’s very grabby on him on the beach, he doesn’t seem all that interested. Her swimsuit is cute tho.
At “dinner,” he wants to know how she is so confident. Is this what the producers told him should be his standard opener? Because we started dinner off with Elyse in the exact same way. Tell me your backstory, Tayshia, why do you like yourself? “There’s a lot to me that makes me me,” she responds. JESUS CHRIST.
Then she literally says, “Being a Christian woman, you think you’ll get married once and that will be it…”
Tayshia is divorced, y’all. DIVORCED.
SOMEBODY HOLD ME BACK FROM THROWING THIS TV OUT THE WINDOW.
Colton affirms her decision to get divorced because she knows what makes her happy. PATRONIZING PATRIARCHY. They get on the giant Singapore ferris wheel and make out. It gives me the heebie jeebies. Lots of kissing with no tongue and it’s so awkward.
It’s time for 14 Americans to walk around Singapore going “ew!” “gross!” “weird!” Demi takes a leech to the tit in a demonstration of ultimate fidelity. A psychic sort of person tells Colton that Cassie is his past life sister and finally these two goons have something to talk about. Hannah B gags on a fish eyeball.
A series of STEALING COLTON AWAY yawn snooze blargh. Hannah B starts talking about noble character and her long stupid earring swings back and forth wildly like a metronome of insincerity. They make out. Demi is ready to confess her life story. Her mom was released from federal prison, sob. Colton tells her he’s not judging her mom at all. PATRONIZING PATRIARCHY.
COURTNEY IS SPIRALING WHY HASN’T COLTON COME LOOKING FOR HER? She feels sad so she decides to fight with Demi, which is really just a bad choice. Why not pick on someone completely unstable like Tracy? Courtney ends up looking like an idiot. She calls Demi immature and Demi generally comes off better than all the bitches who attack her. They are not even a speck in her lip gloss.
DEMI GETS THE ROSE. Courtney’s all blink blink blink.
It’s a PRETTY WOMAN date! Every woman’s dream! Having a mildly successful man make them try on clothes and twirl! There are lots of crop tops and white jeans and gowns. Buying it all! The producers send her back to the hotel room to show off her loot and make the girls jealous. Even Cassie cries.
Then they go to dinner and Caelynn tells him her backstory of being raped at a college party and it’s very upsetting. It’s an awful experience, one that way too many women can relate too, and talking about it on this platform is both brave and sincere and icky and exploitative. Especially when Colton then starts crying about his ex gf Aly Raisman’s sexual abuse and it’s like GIRL, THIS IS NOT YOUR STORY TO TELL. I wonder how much Aly and her crew hate Colton, cause it’s got to be a lot. And then he relates rape and sexual abuse to his virginity in an equation that’s like
They spoon at the dinner table.
COCKTAIL PARTY SNOOZELES
WHY IS EVERYONE 23.
Elfin Hannah makes out with Colton on his bed in a pretty steamy exchange. She says “He acknowledged me in the biggest way ever,” and is she trying to tell me he’s got big dick energy? NAH, she’s just like, cause a guy dry humped me, it must mean he liked me stupid. Don’t worry Hannah, we’ve all been there.
Hannah and Caelynn agree to disagree and hug it out, sorry, I fell asleep.
Demi and Courtney yell at each other and I’m looking at drag queen wigs on Etsy for funsies.
Onyeka gets the final rose and it’s bye bye to Blink Blink Blink Courtney and Olive Oyl Tracy.
Next weekend they’re going to Thailand and Heather Never Been Kissed is gonna try and get kissed. SAY IT WITH ME NOW, CONSENT IS AN ENTHUSIASTIC YES. Thank you and good night.