OSCAR, YOU MESSY BITCH.
Oh, my dear lord in Heaven. We’re scared to talk about the Oscars this year. There have already been so many screamy comments on the internet today. BUT WHATEVS. The 21st Century is apparently for SCREAMING about NOTHING until your eyes bleed. It’s just some dumb movies, my dudes. Settle down. The Oscars are fun, even when they are dumb and silly as all hell.
There’s no host for the Oscars this year (so far?). This might be the only good thing going for this year’s ceremony. Also, it might be time to own up to the fact that this isn’t 1940. You need an extra talented person to host an awards show. You can’t just pull somebody off the street and tell them to hit it. It’s for MASTERS like Tina & Amy.
This was a real turd of a year for movies, so you know we have some things to say.
Check it out …
A Star is Born
JEREMY: Dude, I’m genuinely stunned at how I’ve seen all but three of these movies. There are no movies this year.
ADRIENNE: I’ve seen every single one of these movies, except for Roma, which I’m not sure I want to see because I heard it’s one of those sneaky misogynistic movies. Like where it’s all about a Director telling a story of a woman, except he’s a secret misogynist and doesn’t even know it.
JEREMY: This is where I tell you it’s on Netflix and … how I fell asleep during the credits, so …
ADRIENNE: Yeah, like I can’t even pull myself into being interested. Girl, I have to tell you, if Roma and Green Book run away with all the awards, like I’m done with the Oscars permanently. Hollywood is so self-satisfied, and it’s like, y’all ain’t doing the work! Like let me stay home and watch a TV show for good storytelling.
Let’s break down each of these films. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY = A MESS. Rami Malek was GREAT as Freddie, but that doesn’t make an entire movie. The story was a mess, the gay shit was a mess, like I loved the music scenes, but I mean, yes, of course, I should’ve, that’s clearly the easiest part of the storytelling work. “Insert amazing Live Aid scene.” But like, as a biopic? What the fuck were they doing and as best picture? What?
JEREMY: LOL! Every couple years some bullshit like this happens. REMEMBER CRASH? Lord. What a hunk of junk. Yeah … Bohemian Homophobia as I like to call it was fine. It was great because that music is amazing. Rami was good, but who couldn’t be Freddie with those false teeth, dude?
ADRIENNE: GIRL HE WAS SUCKING THOSE TEETH WASN’T HE.
JEREMY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA … it’s the closest thing we got to him sucking a dick… which is all that movie should have been. DONT AT ME … I AM A HOMOSEXUAL.
ADRIENNE: I just screamed out laughing in my office and now everyone is concerned.
Ok, let’s get controversial: BLACK PANTHER. Girl. I saw this movie. I saw it twice actually. And like I KNOW people get real crazy for some superhero shit and I understand the cultural win of this movie. I do. I love that. But Best Picture? This is some real pandery shit right here. Like acting as if a big popcorn movie is gonna win the Oscars? We know it’s all old white dudes at home voting, please. (Your girl’s in a MOOD today.)
JEREMY: I think Oscar knows it is an important movie … and that’s why it’s there. Honestly, when I look at the nominees I’m like maybe this movie should win best picture. If Green Book or Bohemian Homophobia wins I’ll light myself on fire.
ADRIENNE: I mean let’s talk about an amazing movie that people aren’t talking enough about -- BLACKKKLANSMAN. That movie was amazing. I’m still thinking about the way Spike layered people’s faces over one another, like it was beautiful. And the story was amazing and executed with expert skill. I’ve seen it twice and loved it both times.
JEREMY: I need to see this for reals. Uh. I have nothing to say about that reverse Driving Ms Daisy nonsense. A movie where a white man solves racism by teaching a black man about fried chicken. NO MA’AM. I cannot. I loved Vice. How’s that for a transition? It was my kind of movie. I love a smart ass film that’s clever and knows it.
ADRIENNE: I saw GREEN BOOK and then spent like two more hours trying to explain to my parents why it was racist and a perpetuation of bullshit storytelling that makes racism or black stories palatable for white people. No, ma'am!
I also loved VICE. It was a lot of fun. Have you come around to A STAR IS BORN as Best Picture yet? I mean the forecasts don’t look good, but out of this list, what is your Best Picture?
JEREMY: Yeah, I’ve spent a lot of time making faces at family because Green Book is a racist hunk of junk. I’m not seeing it. I love A Star is Born, but it should go to either Black Panther or BlacKkKlansman. Maybe Favourite. What’s your favourite (lol)?
ADRIENNE: I loved A STAR IS BORN. For me it’s like, THIS IS A MOVIE. It had all that heightened emotional drama of a real movie movie. I loved it. I also loved The Favourite, it was probably the best time I had at the theater this year. And BLACKKKLANSMAN is excellent. So Imma be good if any of those win. I’d like a big A STAR IS BORN sweep, but that’s not gonna happen, so I’m just hoping Gaga doesn’t show up looking like she put her head in a toilet bowl again.
Mahershala Ali “Green Book”
Sam Elliott “A Star is Born”
Adam Driver “BlacKkKlansman”
Richard E. Grant “Can You Ever Forgive Me?”
Sam Rockwell “Vice”
JEREMY: I love all these people, but Mahershala is going to win. Do we even have anything else to talk about here? He was great AND this movie is a nightmare … the should give him two Oscars for this shit.
ADRIENNE: I agree Mahershala is going to win, but it’s all sort of strange. Like we don’t like this movie because it’s racist and fucked up and really Mahershala should’ve been the star, not the supporting, so here’s an Oscar, let’s make this all go away? It’s weird. But honestly, I’m not sure any of the others are especially Oscar worthy, though Sam Rockwell’s George W. Bush was great.
JEREMY: Totally my other fave here is Sam, but also I heart Sam Elliott for being Sam MF Elliot.
ADRIENNE: Omg he’s the best, but like, he didn’t do all that much in that movie hahahaha.
Amy Adams “Vice”
Marina De Tavira “Roma”
Regina King “If Beale Street Could Talk”
Emma Stone “The Favourite”
Rachel Weisz “The Favourite”
JEREMY: Academy be like … let’s make extra double sure Regina gets this one by nominating both those girls from that British movie.
ADRIENNE: Hahahahhaahahahahaha, that’s the truest thing that’s ever been said. Love me some Regina!
JEREMY: LOVE. 227 FOREVER. All these other people I’m like aiiight, good job.
Christian Bale “Vice”
Bradley Cooper “A Star is Born”
Willem Dafoe “At Eternity’s Gate”
Rami Malek “Bohemian Rhapsody”
Viggo Mortensen “Green Book”
JEREMY: You’re welcome Christian Bale.
ADRIENNE: Sorry if you portrayed a fictional character this year, you are out. This is a real toss up between Christian and Rami and their portraits of Cheney and Mercury. Vice is the better overall movie and Christian completely disappears into that roll and is amazing. But Rami’s Freddie was also pretty historic and has THOSE TEETH.
Yalitza Aparicio “Roma”
Glenn Close “The Wife”
Lady Gaga “A Star is Born”
Olivia Colman “The Favourite”
Melissa McCarthy “Can You Ever Forgive Me?”
JEREMY: Melissa McCarthy being nominated makes me so happy I can’t even deal with myself.
ADRIENNE: Did you see that movie? I mean I love her and she was good, but girl, this is Gaga’s or Olivia’s IMO. “Why’d you come around here with an ass like that?” Only Gaga could do that line justice.
JEREMY: It’s gonna go to Glenn. It’s all about Gaga, Olivia, and Glenn. BUT … I adore Melissa and it was good to see her name here.
Spike Lee “BlacKkKlansman”
Pawel Pawlikowski “Cold War”
Yorgos Lanthimos “The Favourite”
Alfonso Curaron “Roma”
Adam McKay “Vice”
JEREMY: Folks be losing it this morning because Bradley wasn’t nominated here. I hear that, but also … that movie was the 4th remake of that story and like … I don’t know I get him not being nominated. GOOD JOB, but like … nah
ADRIENNE: I think it’s snobbery. Like, you’re an actor, stay in your lane. I loved A STAR IS BORN and so I would’ve liked to see our boy here as well, especially after the movie’s shutout at the Golden Globes.. But my vote is for THE FAVOURITE or BLACKKKLANSMAN. The artistic choices in both blew my mind.
JEREMY: I totally agree. The Oscars are snobby like that. But whatevs. I want Spike Lee to get it.
ADRIENNE: His acceptance speech is gonna be lit.
LOL That’s it my dudes. Now you know all you need to know about this year’s Oscar race. You know what to do. Set your DVR for Sunday, February 24. You can hate watch right alongside us. HAPPY TV SCREAMING, EVERYBODY!