Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



Colton is looking for a STRONG WOMAN. His whole life he’s been around STRONG WOMEN and it’s time for him to finally put his p in the v of one of them. But. Does anyone actually know what a STRONG WOMAN looks like to Colton? Because so far the only admirable strength I’ve seen here is the blase attitude with which these girls lounge around ON CAMERA in tiny bikinis. Heather Never Been Kissed’s swimsuit is cut up to her fucking armpits, and there she sits with her long ass legs sticking up like a praying mantis. Why isn’t she worried that her vagina might fall out and scar Colton forever? Why is no one worried about back fat or like, how their ass looks when a cameraman is trailing them from behind?? This is not my life, I do not understand this life, is this the Fyre Festival Lyfe, I am shook.


These heauxs are going on a PIRATE ADVENTURE! I will not lie to you, I love shit like this. Love it. Give me a turkey leg I gotta eat with my hands while a theater kid jumps around in period wear and I am in heaven. Of course this is The Bachelor, so today they are going to be searching for the greatest treasure of all: LOVE. Colton does some very poor acting and swings down a zipline and it’s all squeal squeal from the ladies.

The gals put on their sluttiest pirate outfits and grab some gladiator poles because it’s time to try to knock each other over. Hannah is so competitive, she’s knocking everyone off, and it’s weird because it looks like it took no effort. She barely swings the mallet and a bitch hits the mat. Somehow this does not win her the lead in tonight’s show for paying guests - that goes to her arch nemisis Caelynn and Olive Oyl Tracy.

Colton’s face is all of us.

Colton’s face is all of us.

At the evening cocktail party, Demi continues to haze Tracy about her age. I love that it bothers Tracy. Like girl, it’s way better to be 30 than 23, calm down. When I think of myself at 23, all I can think is EMBARRASSING and POOR CHOICES. First of all, I was a 23 year old child bride, I wore backless shirts in January, and I said the stupidest shit with an imperious tone - all - the - fucking - time - thinking I was smart. TRACY! Why aren’t you feeling bad for Demi who is leading the #notallmen #metoo movement??? CONSENT IS AN ENTHUSIASTIC YES, DEMI.

giphy (2).gif

Caelynn and Colton redo their first kiss. He can let his guard down around Caelynn. I’m worried her tit is about to fall out of that top. But it’s time for Hannah to tell Colton: THIS IS NOT CAELYNN’S TRUE SELF. Hannah has the craziest speaking style. She says, “I just want to tell you something that’s bothering me,” smiling like she’s the Cheshire cat. Like she basically looks unhinged all the time. Obvie Colton doesn’t like any of this information because girlfriend is not nearly the master manipulator she thinks she is. Caelynn cries and definitely comes off as the winner in this little tete a tete and for her efforts receives the group date rose.

The drama between Hannah and Caelynn continues and we get zero concrete information about their breakup. I’m obviously hoping there’s a whole, we were secret lovers angle, because otherwise this is just a real #thisis23 NIGHTMARE.


No bitch. It’s not a hot air balloon. DO THESE PEOPLE WATCH THE SHOW. It’s a helicopters IT IS ALWAYS A HELICOPTER.

These two lovebirds arrive in San Diego and he makes her run to the entrance of an amusement park and she’s wearing massive heels and I’m very worried she’s gonna sprain an ankle. He tells her it’s a group date, but obvie it’s a fake out and a bunch of kids show up. I’m so glad I’m not on this date. If I had to take care of 30 kids while wearing those heels, I would die. Colton tells Elyse that this is very close to what he does all the time. I guess that means hanging out with other people’s kids all the time? YUCK. I don’t even want to hang out with my own kid all the time, amirite?

Basically, I hate roller coasters and children and Elyse has a lot of Botox.

They retire to a discarded set from Beauty and the Beast for “dinner.” Colton wants to know why Elyse is the way she is because she seems so confident and he wants a STRONG WOMAN. Her sister died of cancer that she got when she was pregs.




Colton is shirtless and looks like a little boy who drank the Alice in Wonderland potion and his body exploded but his head stayed the same. The girls SHRIEK SHRIEK SHRIEK in appreciation.

It’s the Bachelor Strongest Woman competition and, let me tell you, it’s a snooze. I’ve watched those real Crossfit documentaries and let me tell you, these girls and their pretty sports bras are no Katrín Davíðsdóttir or Sara Sigmundsdottir, okurrr!

At the evening cocktails, Caitlin has literally nothing interesting in her life to share with Colton, so he sends her home. Bye bitch, sad piano. Caitlin thinks he’ll regret his decision eventually and it’s like, girl he has 25 other girlfriends, probably not.



You’re telling me at no point when Colton was doing cannonballs into the pool and knocking women off their floaties that no one was like, ew, is he ten?

Elfin Hannah was so worried she didn’t get a date, but he’s so confident in her kissy smoochy.

TIME FOR MORE PAGEANT DRAMA. See, kids, this is why you shouldn’t do pageants unless you are in the world of Dumplin’. Otherwise, you’re just in this world and ye gads, what a snooze. Hannah B tells us her secret inner monster is coming out. Girl, your “tank of rage” isn’t nearly as hidden as you think it is.


Caelynn tells Colton some adjectives to describe Hannah, Colton relays those adjectives to Hannah, Hannah says one of the adjectives actually describes Caelynn, and yells JUST FREAKING TRUST ME. Colton is shook.

Colton wanders off with a producer and Chris Harrison has to intervene backstage. Is Papa Bear really just always around??? He’s got a little 5 o’clock shadow and it’s the first time I’ve been turned on all night.


Almost fell asleep during this, so boring

Stifler’s Mom is going home, the fake Australian, and some other girl I don’t know. Hannah B will stick around long enough to chase Colton over this fence. CAN’T WAIT.

giphy (1).gif