DOESN'T SHE HAVE PARENTS? (BACHELOR RECAP)
Honestly, why would anyone want to be the Bachelor? I’m constantly cringing in embarrassment and so is Colton. Like he was dying in that hot tub. DYING. When they’ve got him on ColtonCam, he barely remembers how to speak or what he’s even supposed to say. “I….believe………..in……???…..ummmmm….…this process!” And the girls! I mean 95% of these girls just want to sell laxative tea on Instagram and be done with it. Like wouldn’t you rather quietly put your p in a v back home in Colorado? Or maybe flee this madhouse with Billy Eichner and do the sort of exploring that would make this really the most dramatic (and most satisfying) season ever??
But then you wouldn’t get hazed by national treasures Megan Mullaley and Nick Offerman, so I take it all back, I see the appeal of FAMEEEEEEEEEEE.
Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion with a certain spring in his step. He yells “It’s a damn good day to fall in love!!” I feel like we need more info on Chris’ dating life, don’t you? Because I think maybe he could get it. But that’s because in my mind there is a whole other version of him where he’s a real big dick and thinks this whole mess is a farce and I’m turned on.
The Bachelor is doing storytelling! Related: storytelling has officially jumped the shark. Apologies to all my Chicago storytellers, it’s over, we’ll have to find something else to do with our lives because no one will ever tell a better story than Colton taking us through his truth and football players accepting his truth. But look, everything’s alright because Megan Mullaley and Nick Offerman are here and they are RELATIONSHIP GOALS. Even with that stupid beard.
The girls are gonna have to tell stories about their “firsts” in front of a live audience. “Have you ever spoke in front of people before?” Colton asks Elfin Hannah. SPOKE. The Miami chick thinks Colton will get to see how smart and funny she is through her storytelling and he’ll like that. Hhahahaha. Girlfriend, take it from me, dudes are not turned on by a woman who can command an audience. Too bad.
Here are the girls’ stories:
Old Ass Elyse admits she’s in her 30s and Demi thinks it’s “so brave”
Elfin Hannah tries to tell us about how she was never picked for dates in high school and then humblebrags about receiving the first impression rose
Catherine “drops the mic,” I guess, by knocking over the entire mic stand and I was like TRAGIC
Colton is not the first virgin Tracy has tried to date (that one didn’t go well either)
Demi closes the show in offensive pants. Denim with lace applique? She makes a whole thing about how when she wants something she goes after it and then she jumps off the stage and makes out with Colton. Icky. Will Colton become the face of the male #metoo movement?
At the group date cocktail party, Tracy begins her descent into insanity as Demi rises into her Bachelor-villianess glory. Demi acts like she’s watched a lot of high school movies and studied how the lead mean girl behaves. She waves around the group date rose and laughs like a crazy person, heh heh heh heh. Tracy CANNOT HANDLE the desecration of Colton’s group date rose. CANNOT.
Nicole from Miami tells Colton about her autistic brother and he’s nice to her about it. What a saint! She’s literally ready to propose to him after, she literally says that. It makes you wonder WHAT HAS THIS GIRL BEEN THROUGH WITH MEN BEFORE THIS? Old Ass Elyse gets the group date rose and Nicole cries because she did not.
Did you hear? IT’S HANNAH B’S BIRTHDAY!!!!!! Our little pageant baby has turned 24! And in all of those 24 years she’s never ridden a horse? Even though she’s from Alabama? What.
Hannah tells us with a massive smile on her face: “I’m very nervous. If something’s not perfect, I think I’m horrible.” And I think she just summed up what this show is doing to the women of America. Wow.
Of course they ride their horses to a hot tub.
Again, it’s Hannah B’s birthday, so Colton makes a toast to her birthday and their budding relationship and then wants her to make one too. She’s too self-conscious to say anything. ANYTHING. She’s just good at smiling and reflecting him back to himself. But when she needs an original thought it’s POOF. AWK-WARD.
They’re in the hot tub. He’s actually trying to get to know her and she can’t pay attention for shit and is picking crap off his face awkwardly. Lord it’s an eyelash. It was a lot of work for an eyelash. They have nothing to talk about and now Colton is questioning his entire life that has brought him to this moment.
POOF, his existential crisis is over, let’s have dinner on a boat!
Hannah keeps bringing up her birthday because she has nothing else to say. He tells her he doesn’t want her to feel like she has to be perfect. She lights up and says she couldn’t open up and there’s like a moment when it seems like she’s going to open up but instead she demands to know why he’s a virgin. LORD. DRINK.
If I have to see footage of Colton explaining his virginity to every single one of these women, I’m going to throw myself into the lake. I mean I know this show is not woke, but beating this virgin stuff to death is just like the unwokest thing ever. Shut the fuck up, who cares if he’s ever put his p in a v or a b? I literally do not care. this is me right now:
Then Hannah gives us her big reveal: she wanted to be a virgin until marriage, but she's been soiled. Her loins got the best of her, she will not be able to give this gift to her husband, tears. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IS KIRK CAMERON ABOUT TO JUMP OUT AND TELL ME WHERE I CAN GO FOR MORE BORN AGAIN INFORMATION?
HANNAH GETS THE ROSE.
Colton is chopping wood, not a metaphor, because the girls are coming to summer camp. Camp Bachelor.
Billy Eichner shows up to yell at everyone and I’m thrilled. He says what we’re all thinking, ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE NOT GAY. Colton looks sheepish and not all that sure to me, tbh. The girls run through some camp games and the losing team has to go home. Bye, bitch.
Heather Never Been Kissed is nervous to tell Colton about her never been kissedness. I’m like, calm down, you have something to relate to him with, girl. She tells him and sort of snorts right after she says it. She is ready for commitment, so don’t think she isn’t! He respects that.
Caelynn and Colton bond over something but honestly I stopped paying attention because Jeremy texted me “He’s a lot smarter than I thought? Like he ain’t dumb.” And I was like, what makes you say that? Was it when he said, “Have you ever SPOKE in front of people?”
NEVER BEEN KISSED GETS THE ROSE.
I’m exhausted. This episode is not sparking nearly enough joy for me. Possibly because I haven’t eaten a carb since 12/31/18 and am on my own journey to self improvement and actualization so these people seem just even more idiotic than ever. Perhaps I need more wine.
Demi wanders out in her robe and everyone is aghast. Tracy is gonna have a full meltdown over it. THIS IS DISRESPECTFUL. Tracy, girl, you’re on a reality tv show dating one man with 25 other heauxs. Like girlfriend, there is no hope for respect. If you want to be respected, I suggest you start dating women. Demi leads Colton upstairs in her robe and some girl says, “Does she not have parents? I’m just confused.” HAHAHAHAHHAHAAAHAH ICONIC.
This drama continues for a bit. Tracy goes upstairs to cry. Demi gloats to the girls that she gave Colton a massage. Demi says the Cougar Attacks of the old bitches are hilarious and that Tracy thought she was going to be the most mature person there and I gotta say, she’s got a point. But Tracy gets to stay one more week in CougarTown and four girls we don’t know go home. Bye, bitch!