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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

TRICKS AND TREATS (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)

TRICKS AND TREATS (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)

It is supposedly All Hallow’s Eve in our luxe bunker, and it’s time to break down the episode by TRICKS and TREATS.

We start off in Langdon’s interrogation room, as we quick cut between our cast of characters being interviewed/lorded over.

TREAT: Mallory (Billie Lourd with dumb Dr. Suess hair) discovers that she is a witch by throwing Devil Boy Langdon (Cody Fern) across the room and then making a fire explosion. Langdon responds by going full demon face at her and asking her who she is. To which she tearfully replies IDK.

TRICK: Langdon saved Mr. Good Boy and Ms. Good Girl from their summary execution off screen.

TREAT: Dinah Stevens (Adina Porter) the talk show host, is a witch, but apparently a weak one. Langdon is mildly threatened by her, but he assures her that she will be going to the Sanctuary. This is as if we found out that Meredith Vieira is a witch. Which she might be! Exciting!

TRICK: Andre Stevens (my forever Bitchelor, Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman) is Dinah’s son. This is a big fat trick that I don’t care for at all, because we have seen zero mother-son interaction between these two. Dinah is sort of vaguely maternal and condescending to everyone on the show, so I was surprised, bitch in an unpleasant manner. I had assumed that Andre was merely a rich person, not a son of a witch. (Lol I kill me) Also, he talks mad shit about his own mother, trying to angle for a spot in the Sanctuary.

TREAT: Mr. Gallant (Evan Peters with a dumb, dumb name) has had his granny murder smoothed over by Langdon, who used his devil powers to make it look as if Joan Collins passed peacefully.

TRICKS: Joan Collins was on two episodes. Also, Langdon whispers a lot. Too many Dutch angles. Mallory’s single glycerin tear.

After Mallory reveals her witchiness and Langdon snarls demonically at her, we get a demonic version of Facetime, in which Langdon cuts himself while nude and asks his daddy, Satan, what to do about this living witch he just found. The trick here is that this show has not yet decided to show full frontal nudity. We must stick to butts for now.

After that, there is a cute little flashback to the past of known robot bitch, Ms. Mead (Kathy Bates): Ms. Mead (Kathy Bates), childhood Halloween, her first date (and covert boob grab, and overt source material shout out to Rosemary’s Baby), and her first kill, which brings us back to recently concluded FX hit The Americans, as she engages in a vicious fight in a suburban kitchen. This is all treats, no tricks. Mead and Venable (Sarah Paulson) discuss her robot-ness, and Mead swears her allegiance to Venable. (Spoiler: that is a trick!) She also calls Mr. and Ms. Good Boy/Girl relentlessly boring, a sweet treat, and hatches a plot to kill everyone so the two of them can go to the Sanctuary together.

We cut to the hellscape outside, as a former Top Chef finalist and a special ed teacher get ready to chomp on a human leg on the beach. What follows is the most heavenly treat of all: Billy Eichner as the radioactive Road Warrior. He has Versace’s hairline, face full of sores, and a badass trench coat/shotgun combo. After he questions the beach cannibals about the luxe bunker, he wastes them, then sees a two horse carriage gallop by. Intrigued, he somehow gets underneath it, and goes straight to the luxe bunker. Inside the carriage is a magical box of apples, because this show is so, so subtle. Mead decides to use the apples to poison all the other assholes, and Venable jumps right on board. Why, they’ll throw a party and dole out the poison apples! Mawahahaha. Trick: the literal giant, a nutrition blogger in her former life, is murdered when Eichner springs from under the carriage and stabs her. Another trick: where are all these horses coming from? Isn’t there a better mode of transportation? I’m upset to see all this fine horseflesh going to waste.

Mead and Venable announce their Halloween party, which will be in the style of a Victorian masquerade ball, which is a trick in itself, because every day in the luxe bunker is a Victorian masquerade ball. Why can’t we have a cool theme, like Smooth Cannibal? There is a minor treat when Gallant pretends like he’s bummed that his terrible grandma is dead.

We have to watch Coco St. Pierre Vanderbilt (Leslie Grossman) acts like a total asshole to Mallory when she talks about her witch incident. Don’t forget, the majority of these characters are terrible people! There’s a nice little Fox cross-promotion when Mallory suggests she might be some sort of Dark Phoenix (coming to a theater near you in February!)

At the party, everyone ogles the apples, which have been poisoned with snake venom and pressed into service for my least favorite seasonal party game, apple bobbing. (PS snake venom doesn’t work like that, show.) An extremely costumed tall person enters the party, and Coco thinks that it is Langdon, so she comes on to him and offers analingis to secure her spot in the Sanctuary. Off they go to her room, and surprise, bitch, 1) Coco got into Harvard and 2) it’s actually Road Warrior Billy Eichner, there to stab her in her stupid mean head. Which he does, after she compares him to another thing that she loves and can never have again, sushi. She deserves that head stabbing.

Meanwhile...TRICK. All the other dummies chomp into their apples and puke all over the place and fart and die. Venable and Mead smirk down on the scene, and head off to murder Langdon, who is in his room, catching up on email, because he doesn’t want to go to their dumb party. Hashtag IntrovertLyfe, am I right? Anyway, TRICK, because Langdon programmed Mead to come up with the murder plot, betray Venable, and be loyal to him. Mead shoots Venable straight in the tits, and feels bad about it until Langdon reminds her that he is her robot creator, and that he modeled her on someone he loved in his devil childhood. They hug and it’s a treat.

One thing about Langdon is that he brags about his father a lot. Like, “My father this...my father that…” as if his father were a famous person, which I guess he is, because Langdon thinks his father is Satan. But his actual father is a murder ghost played by Evan Peters. He’s like a spoiled kid “Do you know who my father is?” I’m just saying...what if he turns out to be slightly incorrect? I also want to wildly speculate that Mead is based on Jessica Lange’s season one character, who stole the little baby devil child and raised him.

Anyway, we have a wonky shot of the dead idiots downstairs, and then the radio crackles and the Rolling Stones fade in. Outside we zoom, into the foggy wasteland, through which three cloaked figures stride. Who should it be but our Coven witches: Cordelia Fox (Sarah Paulson, blonde version), Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts), and the magnificent Myrtle Snow (Frances Conroy in a beautiful red wig). Now, last we saw in season three, two out of three of these witches were dead: Madison strangled by a Frankenstein Evan Peters for being a bitch, and Myrtle Snow burned at the stake for killing another witch. “Balenciaga!” she screamed as she went up in flames. Sometimes this show is too wonderful.

We are quickly reminded of how, perhaps, these witches have returned from the dead, when Cordelia tells them to find “our sisters” and they lay Coco, Mallory, and Dinah in front of her. Cordelia is the Supreme (the true head witch in charge) and she brings the three women back to life. We already knew that Dinah and Mallory were witches, but Coco being one is what I’d call a TRICK. I’m also afraid her power will be “influencing people” and I will hate this show forever.

Mallory springs back to life, and Madison “Surprise, bitch” Montgomery Surprise Bitches her, saying, “I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.”

What a night of delights! It truly was a trick and a treat! So many are dead, and what are we to do? Heavens to Betsy, I hope they can write themselves out of this one!

HAPPY 38TH BIRTHDAY, BIG THREE (THIS IS US RECAP)

HAPPY 38TH BIRTHDAY, BIG THREE (THIS IS US RECAP)

A NIGHT OF A THOUSAND DOUCHEY HATS (RHOC RECAP)

A NIGHT OF A THOUSAND DOUCHEY HATS (RHOC RECAP)