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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

A NIGHT OF A THOUSAND DOUCHEY HATS (RHOC RECAP)

A NIGHT OF A THOUSAND DOUCHEY HATS (RHOC RECAP)

As far as I can tell, Orange County is an endless maze of cul-de-sacs, bad blonde-dye jobs, and strip malls with inauthentic Mexican food, so it seems fitting that the signature accessory of the OC is a boater hat worn at night. The women of the OC wear these as if to say “In case you thought I did anything original, allow me to make my basic-ness KNOWN.”

Speaking of basic, Tamra’s still hobbling around on a broken foot. Kelly accompanies her to her doctor’s visit where she fawns over Tamra’s doctor who looks like a waspy Anthony Weiner. I guess when you’re divorced, lonely, and living in the OC, even Gumby can be a prospective lover. Kelly tells Tamra that she is still mad that Dull-Steve spoke to Page 6 about her divorce. And then she drops a bombshell much to Tamra’s gleeful surprise--last year, Vicki and Steve broke up for a minute and Steve moved in with his mom because he has no money. Let this be a lesson, do NOT cross Kelly Dodd. She’s got the heart of Cersei Lannister and the vocabulary of Tila Tequila.

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Emily, Gina, and their kids head to a farm to pick produce and I have no idea what the purpose of this scene is except to show us how boring the new additions to RHOC are. Well if that was raison d’être for this scene, mission accomplished. ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Vicki and Tamra meet for wine and sassy girl talk and Tamra happily broaches the rumor of Steve and his broke-ass. Vicki brushes it off--obviously Steve has more money than her and he moved in with his mom because he had rented out his house and they broke up because Vicki was so busy but they got over that hump and now they are deeply in love and nothing anyone can do or say will come between them. Whew, methinks the Gunvalson doth protest too much. This is typical Vicki, defending another crappy bottom feeder because even living with a con artist is better than living alone. What really struck me though is that Steve is a former cop so it’s possible he has some money but Vicki is supposed to be an insurance titan. So if Steve has more money than her, Vicki is patently bad at insurance. And this is the reveal we’ve all been waiting for, right?

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Meanwhile no one understands why Gina is getting divorced. Her husband is hot, rich, and they get along well, so the fact that Gina and Matt fell out of love is blowing the botox right out of these women’s faces. This comes to a head when Vicki has everyone over for an Italian dinner prepared by Chef Delmonico with whom she shamelessly flirts. The women all swear to Gina that divorce is terrible and she’ll become a shadow of her former self--sad, bitter and broke. Gina is like “Sorry ladies, I actually think it’s going to be good for our family,” which whips the ladies into manic hysteria. Their glares seem to scream, “the hubris, the arrogance, the unbroken spirit of Gina. Mark our words, in a year, she’ll be desperate and 20 lbs heavier.”  Then Vicki, who has multiple divorces under her belt and has made a living spreading damaging lies about people decides that she has some moral high ground and insists that Gina made an oath in front of god to stay married and she owes it to God to try. Gina tells the ladies she doesn’t believe in God and these heauxs almost fall out of their chairs.

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Oh, the HYPOCRISY.  These ladies are on one of the the skeeviest of reality shows; God abandoned them all a LONG time ago. Gina is shaken by how cruel the women are and runs to the bathroom to call Matt who comforts her, because though they’re not meant to be married, they’re still two decent people who never faked cancer and covered it up. Ahem, Vicki.

In other news, Emily invites Kelly over to make up with her mole-husband Shane after Kelly screamed obscenities at him a few weeks ago. Kelly does a good job apologizing and Shane just sits there smugly doling out backhanded compliments and lame insults. Kelly doesn't lose her cool, which is huge for Kelly. Perhaps she sees it’s not worth it. Perhaps she knows that when fighting with a mole-rat, everyone loses.

TRICKS AND TREATS (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)

TRICKS AND TREATS (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)

EPISODES 1 & 2, WE'VE BEEN BUSY OKURRR (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)

EPISODES 1 & 2, WE'VE BEEN BUSY OKURRR (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)