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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

PARTY POOPERS (RHOC RECAP)

PARTY POOPERS (RHOC RECAP)

We’re back at Eddie’s red-themed birthday party where Kelly is still screaming that Emily’s husband Shane is a little bitch for getting in the middle of a fight between she and Steve. Emily, who is being held back by Gina, is threatening to kill Kelly for insulting her husband. Quite the prototypical RHOC party.

Tamra, who has been taking guests on tours of her bedroom furniture, rushes downstairs, despairing that she’s missed a great fight. It’s like drama is Tamra’s fountain of youth and she’s aged half a decade knowing she’ll never be in the middle of this melee.

Shane, half frat boy, half mole-rat, pulls Emily upstairs to cool off where he expresses his distress by shrugging incessantly and telling her to chill. Naturally Emily asks Shane how he would react if someone called her a little bitch and Shane’s all “we’d walk away and chill.” Emily’s stone-face twitches the slightest bit, hinting at displeasure with this response but Emily quickly buries that negativity in the place where she buries her body’s natural response to want to vomit when making three children with a mole-rat.

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Kelly, who is trying to cool off in another area of the party, exclaims that Vicki’s boyfriend Steve is only with her for the money. Kelly is the Brandi Glanville of this show, but for some reason I enjoy her so much more. I think it’s because she’s less coked-out-model-mean and more Moe, Larry, or Curly-mean. I appreciate the transgressions of a Bozo-the-Clown persona. Naturally, Tamra reveals this accusation to Vicki the next day because a woman of the bible always shares nasty gossip as a favor to Bravo producers-Corinthians 13:1.

Meanwhile, Shannon is on her way to a blind date, and sprained ankle be damned, she’s wearing fuck-me heels. She meets a nice guy named Tom who compliments her and Shannon’s all “What’s this funny feeling I haven’t experienced in decades? Could it be giddiness, pride, or perhaps the relief of no longer interacting with an emotionally abusive cheating husband who fat-shames me constantly?” Either way, the feeling doesn’t last because sweet Tom is a little too sensitive for Shannon and owns too many cats.

While we’re on the subject of cats, this one is out of the bag. This one being Gina’s divorce. She meets with Emily at her office to blubber a bunch of platitudes about no emotional connection and fighting and the kids and Emily nods along like she’s still puzzling over a word jumble she saw in this morning’s paper.

Across town, Steve chaperones Vicki to her surprise birthday party attended by all of their family and friends. Vicki is truly ebullient and all is lovely until she has one shot and starts squawking at Steve to propose. Everyone pretty much just stares at their feet hoping someone distracts Vicki with more booze and a large sombrero. Their prayers are finally answered.

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Kelly and Emily meet to discuss their fight and laugh it off in about five seconds. Somewhere Andy Cohen is desperately trying to add hungry dogs or more mole-rats to this RHOC version of the Hunger Games. They aren’t supposed to make up! They’re supposed to EAT EACH OTHER’S FACES.

Later, Gina heads to dinner with Tamra, Shannon, and Emily and spills about her divorce. No one seems surprised given that no one has met her husband and they don’t really live together. Somehow the topic of Vicki’s relationship comes up and Tamra declares that she doesn’t really love Steve.  

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Tamra is acting very friendly Vicki but this insult will come back hard in the blogs and in the reunion. Andy Cohen is starting to feel better.

The fight between Kelly, Steve, and Shane also comes up and Gina asks why Shannon she coached Kelly to talk to Steve. Shannon insists she was merely trying to keep Kelly calm and rational when she approached him, which went completely haywire. Shannon feels judged by Gina. Gina feels that Shannon set Kelly up. Shannon can once again hate on the new girl.  Andy Cohen grows stronger and more powerful. Balance is restored.

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