Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



35 contestants. THERE WERE 35 BLOODY CONTESTANTS. Oh my lord. That is a lot of people. And only eight of them have what the show would like us to consider a “successful” go of it.

We land in the Tell All/reunion special, aka the instant gratification epilogue for us ADD people. There are women in the audience wearing cheese shirts for Eric and bandanas for Chris. WHO ARE THESE WOMEN AND WHY DO THEY HAVE SUCH TERRIBLE TASTE. Where are the firefighter uniforms for Kevin? Chris Harrison informs us that we’re going back to Paradise to watch the remaining three couples commit or not commit to each other.

First up is Kamil and Annaliese. I guess this is the one situation where it’s possibly a good thing that women forbidden to propose on this show, because we all know Annaliese would be drunk on the power. Kamil shows backbone for the first time this season and actually does NOT propose, as Annaliese has made clear she is expecting him to do. He very maturely asks her to continue dating outside of Paradise. She dies a little more inside and agrees.

Jordan says he knows what Jenna wants, even though up until this point we have no indication of what Jenna wants. Every mention of marriage or babies sends her into a tailspin but hey, maybe we missed some crucial detail of her personality. Jordan proposes to Jenna and she says yes. It’s the first time Jordan exhibits an actual emotion this entire goddamn season: he cries.

Krystal is scared going into her time with Chris, as she should be: Chris pulls a fucking fake out on her in the middle of his proposal. They get engaged.

We travel back to the Tell All where Wills goes “I missed a lot of shit” and we are all reminded of Wonderful Wills, who gets to say barely anything else the rest of the night. That’s more than Leo can say, who doesn’t get to say anything at all. Jubilee isn’t even there. Neither is Kiwi Jordan. WHO IS BOOKING THIS SHOW. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT.

Everyone who got into a long-distance relationship is struggling after living on top of each other all summer. John and Olivia Facetimed for a while, but apparently he told he just wants to be friends. BUT HE’S BEEN FACETIMING CHELSEA. How does Chelsea feel about this little tussle? We’ll never know because she gets to say NOTHING.

Next Eric apologizes to Angela. Wait, was Cassandra even there? What is going on??

Next Benoit and Jordan go at it and Benoit says Jordan raises a bunch of red flags and Jordan just steamrolls him – as he does – until Benoit shuts down.

Tia, no longer beholden to the spell of potential she felt around Colton, has gained some self-awareness and looks like she’ll be able to move on in a satisfactory manner. Colton says he has no regrets. He has crazy eyes. All of this is supposed to make Colton seem refined and well spoken in preparation for his run as Bachelor and none of it makes me want to watch him ever again.

Next David and Jordan hug it out.

You’d think that at the pace we’re going and with the lack of meaningful commentary that we’re headed to some serious stuff that needs a lot of air time, but I’m sorry to report that this is not the case.

The couples start appearing in the hot seat, beginning with a rather uncomfortable situation with Astrid and Kevin. Astrid says all she wants is for Kevin to take responsibility for his actions. He claims that he had PTSD from the last Fantasy Suites and that she got blamed for that. He went to therapy and recognizes his own baggage and wants to keep going.

Did Kevin apologize?

I did not hear an apology, Kevin.

Astrid looks very put-upon but ends up agreeing to try and rebuild trust with Kevin. This feels like coercion.

Next Kendall comes up. She experienced immediate regret after her breakup with Joe. She flew straight to Chicago (REPRESENT) to plead her case to Joe. He comes out on stage looking very dapper because they are back together and very in love. That pesky long-distance thing is an issue, though, which Chris Harrison tries to fix by getting Joe a gig on “Dancing with the Stars” so that he’ll be in LA with Kendall. Awwww!

And then poor Annaliese comes out. Annaliese is literally a tragic figure this season. She appears to have come to terms with reality post-Paradise, telling Chris Harrison that she and Kamil are not engaged but it miiiiiight be further along down the road. She seems to have made peace with that.

Then Kamil comes out.

What does a guy do when he knows exactly what his girlfriend wants? He breaks up with her on national television.

Kamil comes out and he’s looking good and he starts his patented technique of sounding like it’s bad news but then telling Annaliese what she wants to hear. Except this time it doesn’t end that way. This time it’s only bad news. Kamil doesn’t feel the same spark they had in Paradise and the long distance is bad. He finally grew a backbone and it’s the worst timing ever. Did a producer convince him that it would be better to do this on television? Did he get paid more? Who else would think this is a good idea? Annaliese, after leaving the stage and then coming back, says she tried to break up with him two weeks ago and he convinced her to stay. There is no good way to look at this. After Kamil gets kicked off the stage (and boo’d out the door) Chris Harrison summons the harem of female contestants to heal their own.

Next Jenna comes out dressed like a bombshell. She and Jordan have a nice little video package in which they build a vision board of them as an alien and a golden retriever having four babies. This was all so weird and uncomfortable and I couldn’t figure out why until I realized that it’s because they’re wearing clothes. When they’re not all over each other, this couple makes even less sense. They ask Chris Harrison to officiate their wedding next summer.

Chris and Krystal come out and he can’t stop crying and she calls him “My Goosey.” He says that after the second rose ceremony, Krystal told him that if he doesn’t open up and stop being a dick then he won’t have a girlfriend or any friends at the end of Paradise. Their little video package is of Chris meeting Krystal’s dogs. When I saw how well trained they are, it suddenly made sense because Krystal trained Chris, too. Their moms are cute, btw.

And that’s it, folks! Paradise is closed. And we’re sure gonna miss ya. See you next year!