AN OMINOUS CHAMPAGNE EXPLOSION (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)
Happy Rosh Hashana! I’m not an official card-carrying member of Jewish Twitter but in case you were wondering, yes, I do consider the finale airing over our sacred and holy New Year to be an act of antisemitism.
Remember last year’s finale? I don’t. I barely watched it. After the Corinne/DeMario hiatus, the only people to root for were Taylor and Derek and I was not rooting for them. Wait a second – if Corinne and DeMario start dating will Chris Harrison call them a Paradise success story too? This year’s season has been delicious. Long, but delicious. There was drama every episode and after giving up on many a Jersey Shore season, I can tell you it is an impressive feat for a reality TV show run on alcohol.
Jenna says she feels Jordan’s unconditional love but also that he squishes her into a little ball. No comment. JUST KIDDING – RUN, JENNA, RUN. In what I’m guessing was a producer maneuver to perhaps force Jenna to make good on her “I’m freaking out” catchphrase, she and Jordan are given a date card that’s actually a photo shoot that’s actually an engagement shoot that’s actually a wedding shoot. Jordan carefully examines Jenna’s angles to see if in their first photographs together she’s taking herself as seriously as he’s taking himself. Will she match up? TRICK QUESTION HE HAS A NECKBEARD AGAIN. Jenna, though, seems to think that Jordan is “more than what I thought that I wanted” and in that light, yes, you deserve more than what you think you deserve. They jump in the ocean in their wedding gear and Jenna gets a black areola box.
And theeeeeeeen ... Robby is back.
Nothing like Plastic Robby to make even Chris seem more palatable. Despite the fact that Jenna says no to him, Jordan still feels the need to stomp over and pretend to be an alpha again. Robby is like “Sure, dude” and then pulls every woman in sight except the one making eyes at him until he realizes that Shushanna is the only woman available.
Astrid throws some marvelous shade in interview for how Robby treated *a number* of her friends.
Shu and Robby go on their date and there’s OMINOUS CHAMPAGNE BOTTLES EXPLODING and OMINOUS BERRIES FALLING IN CHAMPANGE FLUTES and I guess it’s okay because Shu has embraced her witchy persona. Only a witch could get her accessories to match her nails that well, so I’m a believer. She smells Robby on her hair in interview. Shu and Annaliese have so much in common.
Cassandra asks Kiwi Jordan if he usually waits for the girl to make a move. Kiwi Jordan asks if she wants him to make a move. He ambles across the daybed to her and performs the human mating ritual of kissing.
Then we get to Kendall and Joe, who are the sweetest and the purest and now the saddest.
Joe is aware that Kendall is afraid of commitment, so his solution is to hint at getting engaged at the end of Paradise. Whooooooooa boy. Kendall freaks out and goes to bed. Then Joe freaks out because Kendall isn’t taking his feelings into account. But, like, you knew she was afraid? So, like, why did you push her? I’m not saying Joe is wrong in this situation, but I do think that he wanted assurances from Kendall and pushed her too far in order to get them.
What it comes down to is a whole bunch of miscommunication. Kendall is an asker and Joe is an intuiter. She loves him, but she doesn’t know if she’s IN love with him. (That seems like a totally normal concern, or have I just dated people for longer than I should have?) Joe is All In, though. He gave her the space she needed to go out with Leo but he hated doing that. Kendall wants to know why he didn’t say anything back then, which – come on, girl. She thought they were on the same page.
And then Joe says: “You need to stop saying ‘we.’”
READER, MY HEART BROKE.
He’s crying, she’s crying, they’re both taking it super hard. They both think the other one doesn’t care enough about them because Joe is in love with her and she doesn’t know if she is and she wants to be told that it’s okay that she’s not in love with him but he’s not gonna do that. They both go home.
At the rose ceremony, only Olivia’s is up for grabs and it’s between John and Diggy. Diggy gets a trumpeter for the two of them to dance and when he doesn’t get her rose the trumpeter keeps following him around and why is this shit so funny.
The next morning, Chris Harrison announces that it’s their last day in Paradise and surprise! Fantasy Suites are tonight. The day of reckoning has come. The couples each sit down to decide their post-Paradise fates.
John and Olivia decide to keep dating. They leave.
Kiwi Jordan sits down with Cass and is like “Sorry it’s not working, buh bye!” and she’s like “Uhhhhh okay then.”
Robby and Shu have been dating for two days, so he rightly says he’ll look her up the next time he’s in Utah. (Probably never.)
Kamil keeps giving mixed messages – his sentences start out like he’s going to break Annaliese’s heart but then he gives her exactly what she wants. He caves. They’re going to the Fantasy Suites.
Chris and Krystal go to the Fantasy Suites.
Jenna and Jordan go to the Fantasy Suites.
And thennnnnnnn we get to Kevin and Astrid. Kevin is having a meltdown because his last two Fantasy Suites were mistakes. Astrid is confused until halfway through the conversation she goes “Are you breaking up with me?” and Kevin’s answer is that he’s sorry. Like, WHAT? KEVINNNNNNN. NOOOOOooooooo. She’s mad that he’s blindsiding her, which is the one thing she asked him not to do. Astrid was actually a Cool Girl all along. She gets up to go and Kevin cries after her “Don’t leave me like this!” and I’m worried for his mental health. They both leave.
So all in all, only three couples head to the Fantasy Suites. Kamil says he’s falling in love with Annaliese (way to catch up, buddy). Jordan wants the answer to the Question before he asks it; he and Jenna exchanges “I love you”s. And Krystal is playing with a feather. Sure, why not.
Shana Tova y’all!