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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

RED SCARE (RHOC RECAP)

RED SCARE (RHOC RECAP)

Labor Day has come and gone but somehow we’re still in the middle of a golf course fight between Shannon and Tamra. To recap, in case anyone still cares (god knows I don’t) Shannon is upset that Tamra has not defended her from accusations about disparaging comments she may have made about about Emily’s husband/mole-rat Shane. Tamra is upset because Shannon can only focus on her own problems and seems to have no interest in Tamra’s struggles. In typical Shannon fashion, she locks herself in the golf course bathroom for a good cry, while Kelly Dodd stands on the other side of the door shrieking at her to come out.

Tamra and Vicki then meet up with Vicki’s boyfriend-Dull Steve-and Tamra drunkenly asks if they fuck like rabbits over and over and over and also when he’s going to marry Vicki. Steve looks deeply uncomfortably while Vicki seems optimistic and hopeful. What a match! Vicki confesses triumphantly that she stuck George Clooney on her vision board and three months later Steve arrived. Sure, George Clooney and Steve are so alike. George Clooney from Syriana with the personality of the Economics teacher from Ferris Bueller’s Day off, that George Clooney? And I’m being generous.

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Back at Tamra’s house, Tamra is busying herself with preparations for Eddie’s birthday party. He’s stopped taking his heart medicine since he doesn’t like how it screws with his workouts so Tamra’s pretty afraid he’s not long for this world. Never one to miss an opportunity to show restraint and solemnity, she makes the theme of the party red hearts and orders Eddie a suit covered in hearts so we can all laugh at his limited time on earth.

Over on the Real Housewives of New Jersey Do Orange County, Vicki visits Gina for dinner at her house and it’s all meatballs and screaming kids. Vicki senses something is amiss with Gina’s husband living and working in LA, which is like sensing a storms-a-coming while drowning in a flash flood.

Shannon meets up with Kelly to complain about the state of her friendship with Tamra, while Tamra does the same with Gina. It seems that the stage is being set for a massive confrontation but alas, it is not to be. Soon after, Tamra and Shannon meet and resolve their issues with empathy and patience. Shannon apologizes for dumping on Tamra without being supportive in return and Tamra shares her pain about Eddie’s sickness. Incidentally, Shannon has sprained her ankle so she also has a little scooter to match the one Tamra uses for her broken foot, which reaffirms their status as besties.

Eddie’s birthday party is here and Emily is excited for everyone to get to know the real Shane--he’s not just a mole-rat; he is also snarky. Emily compliments her husbands outfit and he returns the compliment by telling Emily her outfit is red. What a prince!

But before Shane can wow everyone with his charm and wit and tiny mole-rat claws, Kelly spots Dull Steve across the room. Dull Steve makes Kelly mad. Kelly hates Dull Steve. Apparently Dull Steve is still friends with her ex and spoke to Page 6 about Kelly. Kelly wants to destroy Dull Steve. Shannon helpfully provides Kelly with a little coaching to stay calm and mature. Kelly sashays across the backyard to interrupt Steve and Shane’s conversation to explain to Steve that she’s upset but Steve gets defensive and walks away. Kelly is left at the table with Shane who suggests Kelly was causing a drunken scene, which is one of Kelly’s 2500 triggers. So all that coaching from Shannon falls by the wayside and Kelly turns into Jerry Springer guest #4500 and starts screaming that Shane is a dweeb, a dork, and a little bitch, losing whatever credibility she had.

Meanwhile Gina is confiding in Emily and Vicki that her marriage is in trouble. It’s hard to be invested in this storyline because we’ve never met her husband and we barely know Gina. My one hope for Gina is that after this divorce she can make better eye makeup choices for her confessionals.

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Emily comes outside in time to hear Kelly screaming at Shane that he’s a little bitch. Emily loses her mind and lunges towards Kelly while threatening to kill her. Good. Kelly makes a living off of saying petty disgusting things about people. She should have to eat some shit from someone once and a while, even if it’s in the name of defending a mole-rat.

AN OMINOUS CHAMPAGNE EXPLOSION (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

AN OMINOUS CHAMPAGNE EXPLOSION (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

SUMMER IS GARBAGE (THOTS & PRAYERS FOR HEAUXS)

SUMMER IS GARBAGE (THOTS & PRAYERS FOR HEAUXS)