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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

A LITTLE RESPECT (RHOC RECAP)

A LITTLE RESPECT (RHOC RECAP)

Finally! An episode of RHOC that doesn’t open on Eddie’s bum heart and Tamra’s bum renovations. Sadly, it’s hardly a step up because we’re now in a doctor’s office where Tamra’s bum foot is being examine by a “hot” doctor. I feel like hot in the OC is “creepy member of rowing crew with whom you wouldn’t leave a drink unattended” everywhere else. Vicki Gunvalson accompanies Tamra to her foot appointment because she wants to be sure Tamra can “whoop it up” as soon as possible. A fair weather friend would be concerned with Tamra’s broken foot; a real friend like Vicki is focused on the deep stuff--drinking in excess with another middle-age woman trying to stave off the forces of time and gravity.

Meanwhile, Emily the lawyer is attending a workout class with a lot of her in-laws. I don’t approve. Emily’s mother-in-law, Pary, who is more facelift than face at this point, bemoans the fact that her son-Emily’s husband-Shane has not passed the bar. Emily tries to remain diplomatic which blows my mind because everyone, including Shane’s own mother, can see he’s just a soggy cardboard excuse for a human who does nothing but take up air on god’s green earth.

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Vicki and Kelly meet to make amends over the fact that Vicki went on double dates with Kelly’s ex- husband and kept it a secret. Kelly wants Vicki to understand that keeping secrets about a friend’s ex is wrong. Vicki wants Kelly to understand that no one is allowed to be mad at Vicki ever, for any reason. Vicki goes all Don Corleone on Kelly with some rant about respect until Vicki backtracks and finally apologizes and they agree to move on. For now.

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Poor Shannon Beador. She secured a deal with QVC to sell frozen prepackaged weight loss meals. She asks her daughters to sample the dinners and they are trying to be supportive but gagging at the same time. Shannon prattles on to her three teenage girls about how these meals can help with weight loss and the parent in me wants to crawl through the TV and drop kick her. Let your daughters have one more day without body shame. They have you and David as parents. That’s shame enough.

In other depressing news, Gina from New York, NOT NEW JERSEY, YOU HEAR ME, takes her kids to the zoo with her mom. Her husband is still away on business and Gina is sad. Gina pours her sadness into extreme nails.

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The girls plan a dinner where everyone will meet new housewives Gina and Emily. Tamra gently introduces the idea of new girls to Shannon, who has literally hated everyone new she’s every met so this should go well.

Dinner is fine, if not a little awkward, until Kelly arrives and she turns up the discomfort to eleven or KELL-even, if I may and I will. Kelly immediately reveals Vicki’s doublecross to the table and the women are unanimously appalled that Vicki would set up Kelly’s ex with someone new and go on double dates with him. Gina, in particular, verbally wails on Vicki and it’s so glorious. But now the awkwardness gets turned up to twelve or Kellve (?) because, Rick, the man with whom Kelly has been on two dates shows up to crash girls night. This guy looks like if a muppet got his eyes done and shopped at Bonobos.

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He sits down and proceeds to make out with Kelly while all the other women slowly back away from the table, out of the restaurant, and back to their sad lives, reassured that the grass isn’t always greener; sometimes the grass is creepy-faced Rick, and I wouldn't even let a dog near that grass.

FAT HEAUXS ON BIKES

FAT HEAUXS ON BIKES

DON'T WORRY MOM, HE'S NOT A RACIST, HE WAS JUST KIDDING (BACHELORETTE FINALE RECAP)

DON'T WORRY MOM, HE'S NOT A RACIST, HE WAS JUST KIDDING (BACHELORETTE FINALE RECAP)