heauxs.jpeg

Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

DEDICATE YOUR WITCHING HOUR TO A 90s ROCK GODDESS

DEDICATE YOUR WITCHING HOUR TO A 90s ROCK GODDESS

Many witches dedicate their magical practice to a specific deity, drawing from Greek, Celtic, or indigenous myth. But I have a suggestion to spice up your next witching hour -- why not devote your practice to a goddess of the rock variety? Let’s take a look at the pantheon of 90s rock goddess and find a fit for your practice.

Tori Amos
Goddess of piano banging, red hair, breast feeding pigs

Tori_Amos-5-800px.jpg

A true witch, Tori stands out among her peers. She’s probably second only to Stevie Nicks in the rock witch rankings, and I decided not to put Stevie on this list. Just listen to that piano, then listen to her voice, at once reedy and powerful. Her lyrics occasionally skew towards the nonsensical side of things, but guess what: that’s because they are probably spells. She’s a Leo on the cusp of Virgo, and that explains her mane and roar, and her intricate playing. Tori Amos is vulnerable and powerful, a veritable phoenix that rises from the ashes. Her work as a vocal advocate for sexual assault survivors raised the consciousness about this subject in a real way. She spins pain into power, and that’s a true witch thing to do. She’ll help you face trauma and kindle a spark to burn the world.

Courtney Love
Goddess of chaos, throwing things, hidden acting talent

01-courtney-love.jpg

Of course she’s on here. Courtney Love remains a divisive cultural figure 20 years out from her peak, but that’s because she is an agent of chaos, here to destabilize the dynamics. Which dynamics, you might ask? ALL OF THEM, BITCH. Why does she do what she does? BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO, BITCH. Now duck this compact that just whizzed passed your head. Tabitha Soren better watch out. While Love appeals to the sloppy monster inside of us all, she also has secret and hidden reserves of talent. Watch that Jim Carrey doc about making Man on the Moon and revel in how stable she looks by comparison. She’s a Cancer, so that means she’s sensitive and mean. Invoke Courtney Love when you want to fuck shit up, or when you want to really surprise a bitch.

Alanis Morissette
Goddess of sexual revenge, annoying mothers, Canadians

alanis-morissette.jpg

Feeling angry and screechy? Need to cast a powerful revenge spell? Slip Bitter Little Pill into your discman and follow the directions. No one annoyed my mom more in the 90s than Alanis, and that alone makes her super powerful. Yeah, maybe she doesn’t understand what the word ironic means, but she certainly gave us something to think about. She’s also about transformations: from kiddie show Canadian to super platinum selling big time recording artist to health and wellness guru. If you want to change your practice, think about Alanis. Also, she was engaged to Ryan Reynolds and was railed by Dave Coulier. A study in contradictions, this one is. Another mean and sensitive Cancer, to boot. (Canada joke)

Fiona Apple
Goddess of truth telling, rapturous piano, altos

apple-e1496162225472.jpg

Upfront: Fiona is a Virgo. This explains so much to me. Precise and uncompromising, Fiona Apple is the goddess of truth telling. This world is bullshit, she announced at the VH1 awards, and that’s as true now as it has ever been. Men are weak: true. What I need is a good defense: TRUE. Fiona is not here for your lies, and you can bring her into your practice when you need to screw your courage to the sticking place. She’s not all pouting, though. Don’t forget that she hangs out with trickster Zach Galifianakis. She brings beauty with her, but she can be fun, too! Invoke her by scattering all of your dirty laundry around your basement and taking off ten shirts slowly.

Sheryl Crow
Goddess of the environment, having a little fun, breaking up with one balled cheating losers

3256525.jpg

Speaking of fun, Sheryl Crow brings a little lightness to the list. She’s way more on the pop spectrum than most of our other deities, but there’s nothing wrong with that. She’s an Aquarius, which means she’s big picture, explaining her devotion to the environment. She only uses one square of toilet paper, man! That’s some serious discipline. Sheryl Crow is here for fun, too. Need to get a little light-hearted? Do some day drinking at your local dive and segue into evening karaoke seamlessly. In that way, so shall you invoke Sheryl Crow.

Jewel
Goddess of dreams last so long, laying in bed all day, razor commercials

USATV0500378_640x480_01.jpg

Gemini Jewel thrives in her contradictions. At once a genuine Alaskan waif and a complete sellout, she lives in that odd 90s space. Like, how was a whole album of coffee shop songs one of the best selling albums of the decade? That’s the 90s, dude. It was like that all the time. Her voice is reedy, her guitar playing clumsy, but she’s a fucking powerhouse. Listen to “You Were Meant for Me” while PMSing and try not to spark a tear! You can’t do it. Invoke Jewel to rekindle your infatuation with a significant other that may be growing stale. You’ll be boning lazily in dirty sheets in no time. Need money? Grab a razor and follow your intuition.

Tracy Chapman
Goddess of travel, logic, soul

tracy-chapman-1522918701.52.2560x1440.jpg

Feeling lost? Aries Tracy Chapman is here to help you find a direction. Her rich voice and lyrics are about escape and what holds you to a place (or person). She knows what it is to want to leave, and she’s open to hearing why she shouldn’t. Invoke her when making a decision about a significant other. You can incorporate her into your practice by driving on straight roads, fast, and then turning right back around.

 

 

BONUS: SPOTIFY PLAYLIST OF OUR 90S ROCK GODDESSES

DON'T WORRY MOM, HE'S NOT A RACIST, HE WAS JUST KIDDING (BACHELORETTE FINALE RECAP)

DON'T WORRY MOM, HE'S NOT A RACIST, HE WAS JUST KIDDING (BACHELORETTE FINALE RECAP)

THE SHIT STORM (RHONY RECAP)

THE SHIT STORM (RHONY RECAP)