WILL YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND / GIRLFRIEND, CHECK YES OR NO (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)
JENNA LOOKS LIKE RITA ORA. I almost forgot how the first season of “UnREAL” was so good that it made me watch much of Kaitlyn’s season of “The Bachelorette” and a couple episodes of a random “Bachelor” season and the first thing that struck me was how so many of the contestants are dead ringers for celebrities. Where did that game go? I’m sure I’ve seen Annaliese’s big forehead on some- oh, it’s Rosemarie DeWitt, that’s where. This should be a drinking game.
This episode opens on the aftermath of Kendall trying and failing to make sense of Leo’s rhetoric. Grocery Store Joe comes around and he tells her: “You gotta deal with being frustrated sometimes.” I would like a Spotify playlist for only Joe’s voice telling me how to calm down.
Benoit is ... oy. I like him as a person, but he does not understand the definition of a relationship. I feel for Jenna because it must be hell stuck in Paradise after breaking up with a clinger. Benoit is cling packaged in a very nice accent and sexy vibes. He thinks that a date and/or a kiss equal a relationship. He goes over to Jenna to, like, what? Make her feel bad? He doesn’t ask any questions, just tells her that the syntax of her sentence should not be applied to him. She starts to cry. I don’t even understand what this conversation is about, even with Jenna telling it over to Jordan through her tears.
Jordan being Jordan sees an opportunity to be a hero that for once doesn’t emasculate him. He stalks over to confront Benoit. Wells does his first useful thing since they took away his puppets and backs up Benoit that there was no yelling in his conversation with Jenna. Oh, he also derails Jordan’s ridiculous briefcase metaphor in the smoothest way possible so that Jordan then explains the metaphor in literal terms. Colton would like a Louis Vuitton suitcase in this literal scenario, please.
Now that Benoit is roseless for all intents and purposes, he climbs into a hammock with Chelsea. She recommends tequila for getting through Paradise (duh) and Benoit takes that as an invitation to kiss her.
Then we witness the looooooongest date ever, featuring Eric and Angela in a hotel suite. This makes no sense until the last bit of the episode (you know, the part that should have been on next week’s episode). They don’t even canoodle. They just eat and swim.
Side point: Angela is not a stylist, I checked. I wondered because this entire season her hair has been down and blown out and beautiful and how is that even possible. She’s a model, btw.
Side point: Jenna’s pink hair from her entrance was clearly a rinse and I am Disappointed. #amateurhour
Chris steps up his game to woo Krystal after her date with Connor. He sets up a little yoga area for her to teach him in, because that’s her thing. And Krystal’s response is glorious. She says something to the effect of “You want me to work?” and I looooove it. She makes Chris try to lead her but halfway through, his stupidity and lack of yoginess motivate her to just get it over with and give him a comped class.
Now John in a hot pink sarong is sniffing around Kendall and Joe is sooooo unthreatened. Leo even pokes Joe about it and he barely responds. I love how unthreatened Joe is. John even kisses Kendall, and she promptly freaks out and runs over to Joe to psychoanalyze herself and excuse her kissing around as distractions from the fact that she’s falling for him. Joe tells her the same. In interview he says: “Hopefully guys stop kissing my girlfriend, that would be nice” and he is #unbothered #goals.
Leo the Lionfart is in no one’s good books. Everyone wants him gone. He knows he’s not getting a rose and now he’s gonna burn everythingggggggg. Yaaaaaaaaa. Tarzan buuuuuuurn.
It’s the rose ceremony and Annaliese and Krystal give some generic toasts. Leo calls their toasts clichéd – which, fair – and then before eliminating himself proceeds to say that Kendall and a bunch of other people there are full of shit. Then he says the promo thing, calling Joe “Grocery Store Bitch.” Joe takes this as a challenge and tells Leo to say it to his face, Leo repeats this diss of all disses, throws his drink on Joe, and ...
I’m not sure what happens. I feel like it was an Italy situation when Ron and The Situation are fighting and Pauly D laughs that neither of them knows how to throw a punch? Did anything happen? Security and a little producer in a Hawaiian shirt and baseball cap come running to save the day and pull them apart and was there any actual physical contact?
The funniest part for me was hearing Tia yell “Colton, go!” like Colton would know what to do/be inclined to do anything. Also Jordan fixing his face in the camera lens before his exclamation, fine that was funny too.
Leo leaves and Krystal offers everyone sage and crystals to clear out his offending stench. Three more men are getting eliminated tonight, so Benoit, John, Connor and David all descend on Chelsea. David makes a good case for receiving a friendship rose, and it would follow the pattern they’ve established thus far. John offers up his half-Asianess? Because Chelsea’s last boyfriend was also half-Asian? Then Chelsea teases Connor about his cleavage. Apparently no one knows about her kissing Benoit in the hammock. My money was on Benoit after all this.
But no! Chelsea picks John, presumably because he is half-Asian! And Benoit doesn’t even say goodbye before leaving. In the car ride home, he cries about being dumped over and over again. Sir, a dumping cannot occur if it is not preceded by a relationship. Per Leo, a kiss in a hammock is like a gently swinging handshake in Paradise.
The next morning (if these editors are to be believed) someone named Olivia arrives. All the girls desperately grasp at their men and caw to demonstrate physical possession. John doesn’t even care that Chelsea was kind of into him enough to give him her rose and he jumps on board. Honestly, should Chelsea even care if she goes home at this point? Isn’t Paradise almost over? Isn’t she sad and alone amidst all these glowing couples? This just wasn’t your season, Chels. Could be time to pack it up.
Also, if John breaks it off with Olivia after this date – apparently we’re trying to be more culturally conscious of our surroundings, since they crash a quinceañera, but I feel like it would be much more reciprocal if the Mexican partygoers became culturally conscious of The Bachelor franchise – like I was saying if John breaks it off with Olivia after this, there’s something up that isn’t just a lack of social intelligence. Either he’s the pickiest guy in the world or maybe there isn’t anyone in the world he’s interested in. Olivia was clearly worried she was scraping the bottom of the barrel with the only unattached guy in Paradise, but she seems pleased with him.
Did Chris call John a whore? Did I hear that right? Ugh, go away, Chris.
Tia and Colton work out in the morning before everyone wakes up and I’m reminded of that time I accidentally walked a marathon and saw a couple running with their baby in a stroller and I thought how nice it would be to be a couple who runs together and tried that a couple of times and it’s really not for me but still, these two are cute when Tia’s not joking already about having kids.
Cassandra returns to Paradise and Eric can’t control himself. He’s salivating. Eric, you were supposed to be one of the nice guys! What the hell! Even though it seems like he blows it with her between the what’s-your-nationality question and the line about his last name being “Bigger” (blech), Cassandra finds him tall, dark and handsome and also sweet and she asks him on her date. AND HE SAYS YES.
Eric goes over to Angela and he is Unapologetic. He claims that they never defined their relationship. She, thankfully, is not a doormat, and tells him they literally had a conversation where they decided they weren’t dating other people. Eric’s excuse is that he woke up feeling different. Again, you were supposed to be one of the nice ones, Eric. This is not good behavior.
Tune in next week for a special three-hour episode. Yup, you heard me.