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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

KISSING KENNY (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

KISSING KENNY (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

I need a Reality Check here. Does Chris look like one of my exes? Why do I hate him so much? Does his face remind me of subsumed trauma I sustained as a child? I literally have never rooted for someone to screw up this much.

First off, he pretty much gaslights Tia. He’s all “Yes I said I wouldn’t accept someone else’s date card, but that for sure means I can go kiss Krystal.” Krystal, to her credit, walks right up to the conversation and sits down and doesn’t come off as territorial as that action makes her out to be. Krystal is chill. Krystal brought her margarita to her interview. Krystal is practicing geometry back there with all her triangles and squares. Then we get a quick change to her crying look, which I don’t fully understand but okay? and yet SHE CAN’T SEE THAT CHRIS IS TRASH. I reeeeeeeally want Chris to screw this up with Krystal.

Chris asks Jordan if what he did was so wrong and Jordan’s answer is that Chris merely needs to vocalize his desires more into the world. FORESHADOWING.

Aaaaaaaaaaand Tia runs away from Chris right into Colton’s arms. Like, full-on flashback to the THREE SCENES’ WORTH of their relationship so far. And, like ... if this works out, great? If it doesn’t work out, I, like, don’t care anymore? They tease that either of them might go home if they’re not dating each other but come on, they’re clearly not turning down thousands of dollars per episode if they can stick it out.

Poor Jacqueline, though. This new contestant walks in so fresh that Bibiana is salivating over her. “Paradise is stinky and sweaty,” Bibi says, and in that moment Bibi is every girl on a road trip who expected to be Instagramming herself every day looking flawless in new locations but guess what you never have to look in the mirror on a road trip so you put on less and less makeup every day until you see the cute pictures you took and realize you’ve turned into a cavewoman.

Jacqueline asks Colton on a date – she asked around and was told he was available – and he says no. If I’m not mistaken, this is the first time someone has said no to a date card. Obviously there were times people should have said no to a date card and didn’t, but I don’t think anyone’s ever turned one down.

Jacqueline is crushed. She asks Kenny out instead. Thankfully, he says yes.

As soon as this happens, Annaliese perks up and realizes she could be getting a rose from Kenny. So she starts in on him, too. HEY CHRIS, KENNY BEAT YOUR KISSING RECORD THIS WEEK. Mostly because he’s giving them out like handshakes and honestly, I’d be taking issue with his amenability if I weren’t so stewed over Chris. (There’s a limit to how many people you can hate while you watch this show.)

So Jacqueline has a deep voice and opera glasses and she’s feeling “treacherously close to thirty” on this, her 27th birthday. Imma let you in on a secret, Jacqueline: you can pretend to be in your mid-twenties as long as you like, especially if you’re on a reality show. Don’t sweat it. You’ve got time. She makes Edgar Allen Poe references that Kenny actually gets, hey, yay Kenny! But then he points out that they just made Edgar Allen Poe references on Bachelor in Paradise and that kind of ruined it for me. But Annaliese has luchador costumes and let me just say, I don’t know if Kenny practiced that wrestling-into-making-out move, but I am duly impressed. Golf clap for the wrestling makeout move. No claps for Annaliese, because she’s trying way too hard.  

Bibi gets a lot of action this episode, but that doesn’t really mean much if there’s a rose ceremony and she doesn’t have a male Bibiana to save her for kindness’ sake. She convinces Colton to man up. When Colton and Tia make out on a daybed and Chris complains he was just a pawn in that relationship, Bibi bitches up and tells him it was never about him. (DUDE. IT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU. YOU WERE JUST TRASH.) But she’s still unattached. So when she finds out Kenny likes her body type, she, too, makes a move on Kenny.

In other contestants whose roses are being claimed many times over, John is steaming his shirt for the rose ceremony. I really hope he brought his own steamer because that would tell me even more about him. Caroline says “Sink or swim, bitch” and I wish she would show, not tell. Jubilee gives John a massage.

Kevin and Astrid are eating a weirdly phallic sausage thing and I have no idea why, but it was worth it to see them be comfortable and kiss with a mouth full of sausage. (Not a euphemism, but Kevin was certainly thinking it.) It’s pretty cute to see comfortable chemistry on this show. I mean, it’s boring, which is why we haven’t seen Eric and Angela much, or Joe and Kendall, but it’s still cute.

Then we get into the Jordan drama.

I think he didn’t anticipate people laughing at his red floral vest-and-pants combo. He looks like Kim Kardashian when she was pregnant at the Met Gala. He looks like a couch. He looks like he bought the suit because the pants fit and he didn’t have enough time to get the vest tailored to fit him.

But laugh the peopl did, and as we learn this episode, Jordan cannot handle people laughing at him. In the credits scene after the episode, it’s clear that people are laughing at him about how seriously he takes his hair, but then he’s so generous and shares his product with all the guys so their mirth became begrudging admiration. See, in that situation he thought he was the alpha instructing the lesser males. Not so in this situation.

In addition to Jordan’s unfortunate sartorial decision, David decides to give Jenna a gigantic stuffed dog. “A sweet girl deserves a sweet toy,” he says in the interview, and for a second I forgot that I’d seen the scene already in the promos and I was disgusted that he was referring to himself. So not only is David wooing Jordan’s marked territory, he’s also stealing Jordan’s moves from his time with Annaliese. Surprisingly, though, he accidentally hits on one of Jenna’s love languages and she’s appreciating it. Jenna may have stood by her man and his suit, but she is not immune to another man speaking her language.

We’re finally getting information from Jenna! She likes David, too! Except Jordan then proceeds to have a temper tantrum and she clams up again. Way to go, Jordan. He stalks over in that weird angry walk where only his legs and arms are moving and without a word tosses the stuffed animal into the ocean. David just watches, which makes me believe he was actually just messing with Jordan. Either that or he’s really scared of confrontation.

See, if that was all, it would have been “That’s So Jordan” and done. But then he comes back and he sees that everyone is laughing at him. The disrespect over his outfit combined with his tantrum makes him LOSE IT. Rather than address David only, he attacks Chelsea and Jubilee, who were talking trash. Jordan gets mean. He tells them to shut up and makes references to the fact that they’re both going home tonight. (Neither of them do.) This is a guy who thought he had power, who thought he was “killing it” here in Paradise, and who just got knocked down several pegs.

Then we get a total hive mind, where all of the other contestants agree that Jordan was out of line and we get a bunch of people talking about how it’s inappropriate to disrespect women like that. That gives Annaliese the courage to walk over to him and tell him he needs to apologize. She is so obviously happy to not be in this drama. She goes over to Jenna and is just milking her glee for all its worth, you can just see it. So Jordan comes back and apologizes to everyone and then the hive mind decides he should be congratulated for that. Because he’s so prideful, it must be so freaking hard for him to apologize. Uh, with the quick turnaround that happened tonight, I’d hazard Jordan has had many occasions to practice apologizing.

At the rose ceremony, Jordan apologizes again to Jenna and she accepts his rose. David gives Chelsea a rose back and I’m kind of interested in this arrangement. Did they agree that if no one better comes along for either of them they’ll just keep exchanging roses in perpetuity? Kevin and Astrid are cute, he gives her a rose. Chris (vomit) gives Krystal his rose. John breaks Caroline’s heart and gives Jubilee his rose and I am so glad he made the right decision. Joe and Kendall, obviously. Colton and Tia, obviously. Eric and Angela. Then it’s Kenny’s turn and apparently his kiss with Bibi wasn’t enough, his kiss with Jacqueline wasn’t enough, but Annaliese with her mysterious appeal is. Annaliese gets his rose.

So Caroline, Jacqueline, Nysha (poor, introverted Nysha, who never stood a chance) and Bibi are going home. Bibi, honey, go find that nice jerk from Winter Games. OR AT LEAST TELL US WHAT WENT WRONG.

(Note to producers and/or editors: We know you’re playing with time when Tia is wearing the same swimsuit on two different days because she would NEVER. Jussayin.)

ENOUGH WITH THE METAPHORS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

ENOUGH WITH THE METAPHORS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

DOWN WITH MEN. YES, ALL MEN. (RHOC RECAP)

DOWN WITH MEN. YES, ALL MEN. (RHOC RECAP)