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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

DOWN WITH MEN. YES, ALL MEN. (RHOC RECAP)

DOWN WITH MEN. YES, ALL MEN. (RHOC RECAP)

Try as they might to beguile us with their storylines of blow jobs and eyebrow-scaping, this season of RHOC is once again about Shannon working to extricate herself from her tragic, emotionally abusive relationship with David Beador. I tune into Reality TV to GET AWAY from reality, not to be confronted with cruel patriarchal tropes that cut deep. If I wanted that, I’d watch the news.

Shannon is trying to reclaim her life by launching a QVC frozen food line. Today is her QVC photoshoot and QUELLE SURPRISE, Shan-Van feels bad about her body. She yells about her stomach sticking out and wearily grabs at her curves. There are sad flashbacks to Shannon weeping in a sports bra at the gym while her trainer ogles in disgusted delight because he’s nabbed a client for life. I hate men. Yes, all men.

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Tamra, Emily, and Kelly come over to support Shannon’s QVC venture and Shannon reveals to them that David has opted not to hire a lawyer in order to slow down the divorce proceedings because he’s a disgusting control freak. To gild the lily made out of angry ball sacks, he also texts Shannon terribly offensive insults and threats.

Speaking of shitty husbands, Emily tells the ladies that her man/mole rat Shane kicked Gina out of their house at the end of poker night because Gina was a little drunk and rowdy. The other women are gob smacked--they would never tolerate their men kicking out a girlfriend/never tolerate Shane speaking rudely to them/never tolerate anyone screwing with their drunken debauchery. Basically all of these women are drunk and rowdy most of the time and no man, let alone a mole rat, should stand in the way of them and their sweet sweet buzz.

Meanwhile, Vicki is recording a radio ad to promote Coto Insurance and her BF Steve and son Michael join her at the studio. Steve seems to barely tolerate Vicki but he’s always around so that’s gotta mean something, right? Maybe he’s the strong, soulless type. Vicki starts chatting up the crew about blow jobs and Michael seems unscathed because this is old hat. A series of quick flashbacks where Vicki is slurring about sex to Michael, to his friends, to the world, to plants, to dirt, to insects pretty much explain Michael’s dead eyes and lack of emotional engagement.

Emily and Gina meet up to clear the air regarding poker night. Emily clearly knows her husband is a dick (and a mole rat) but can’t cop to it, probably for fear of his mole rat fingers and teeth. Meanwhile Tamra and Vicki gossip about Shane’s Mormonism and agree that he must be deeply disturbed because he’s a Mormon and doesn’t drink. One thing RHOC is always good for is spreading religious tolerance.

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But back to the really dark stuff. All the ladies meet for cocktails and Shannon recounts how traumatic the divorce has been. Tamra wants Shannon to start dating and invites a matchmaker to meet with Shannon at the cocktail bar. Shannon tells the matchmaker that she is focused on finding a meaningful loving relationship and Tamra pipes in that Shannon also LOVES SEX AND NEEDS SEX. SOMEONE GET SHANNON SOME SEX STAT. That’s what trashy friends are for, right?

Emily has to leave to relieve Shane of childcare duties and the other ladies take this opportunity to tsk tsk at what seems like a controlling, unworthy husband. But what can you expect from a mole rat?

Kelly then meets up with a very hot extremely boring dude for a date. He’s literally a milkman and spends most of the date listing off Mexican food he enjoys. He looks like he walked right off the set of Vanderpump rules but with fewer drug dependencies.

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Shannon’s next court date is here and though we don’t see inside the courtroom, we see Shannon after the proceedings crying, shaking, and blubbering. David went into a blind rage in court after the judge ordered him to pay Shannon $30K a month. Shannon felt bad and they brought the amount down to $22,500 but honestly, this abusive dickweed didn’t even get a lawyer. BLEED HIM DRY. Fuck, this season is sad.

KISSING KENNY (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

KISSING KENNY (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

HASHTAG COUNTESS AND FRENEMIES (RHONY FINALE RECAP)

HASHTAG COUNTESS AND FRENEMIES (RHONY FINALE RECAP)