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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

HOW MANY HOURS A WEEK DOES THIS SHOW AIR?? (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

HOW MANY HOURS A WEEK DOES THIS SHOW AIR?? (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

What day is it here? Time has ceased in Paradise. We know not how many days or moons or ceremonies our contestants have been here.

It's the same day as when Becca came to visit – we know this because she continues the Torture of Colton. You know what's weird? When all of the contestants have the exact same opinion about Colton going home. His conversation with Becca turns out well in the end and he emerges with what looks like closure. He's confident and relaxed walking back up to the other male contestants, who are all happy for him. Except Chris, whose mouth quivers in anger at the news that Colton won't be leaving any time soon. Chris thinks that being a virgin makes Colton emotional. Uhhhhhhh no, Chris. If anything being virgin makes you better at NOT jumping into relationships for which you feel unprepared. But more on Chris's stupidity later.

The missing bonds of time in Paradise create a curious Schrodinger's Relationship for many. While in the real world boundaries might be clearly communicated, out here our contestants can be both “in” and “not in” a relationship at the same time.

Take, for example, Jordan and Annaliese. At the last rose ceremony, they already had a pet together. Annaliese was finally emoting in a way that didn't involve PTSD. Jordan's little flower was blossoming before our very eyes, and he seemed in it to win it.

UNTIL Miss Co-co-nuts arrives. Jenna is the rose gold-haired self-proclaimed alien who arrives to what sounds like a Jessica Rabbit theme song. There's some nice camera work catching Jordan's face when she walks in – like a cartoon character with bug out eyes going VA VA VOOM. (Even Nysha gets in a funny comment about being a nurse and not having time to fix that situation.)

It's almost as though the producers knew he would make such a face.

It's almost as though Jordan told Kevin three times that he was waiting for Jenna to arrive.

Should I have been trusting David this whole time? Was DAVID the one who had Jordan's number all along? But then Jordan and Jenna have a “fantastic” date frolicking in the waves and making out nonstop and you'd think that would be an indication that maybe other fellows should back off of making moves on Jenna. Nope. Not our David. He comes in with a little birthday cake for her (side point: if I am jet lagging on a daybed and you come and wake me up THE LEAST you can do is bring me cake) and they have a nice little conversation, until Jordan stalks up to them. Jordan sits down stoically and suddenly David is doing that thing where you're pretending not to see the person you're avoiding enter the room and you're trying to act as though you're having an amazing time even though you're not even sure yourself what kind of time you're having. Instead David just keeps repeating himself, but in a super nonchalant way. So, I guess you can be right about something and still do super annoying stuff. Jordan muses about possible reasons why David is targeting him and suggests it's because he matched with David's mother and I have to say that comment is on point. Is this a man crush? Or a gay crush? Are the women for whom these two vie merely code for “I want you”? Maybe it's a competitive dude thing that us wee girls wouldn't understand.

Now how does Jenna feel about all this?

I ask because I have no idea. She smiles and laughs a lot and in general seems like a people pleaser so somebody please do right by her and point blank ask what she wants. I fear we will never know otherwise.

Meanwhile, not even the other contestants remember Annaliese. They literally sit around talking about how Jordan and Jenna are so suited for each other WHILE SHE'S SITTING THERE. They crowd around Jordan, wanting to hear all about his love *coughlustcough* at first sight. Honestly, what I think is going on is that the other contestants are enamored by this expression of actual feeling. I think a lot of them have been playing a part, or fooling other people, or fooling themselves into believing that they feel something when really it's far too early to understand any of that. (Or is it? There is no time here.) They want even the proximity to this unbridled lust that Jordan is exhibiting.

Annaliese keeps talking about how she and Jordan might be the strongest couple in Paradise. Oh, honey. It's bordering on delusional … I suspect there is suspect editing here. Anyhow, when the rest of the contestants remember she exists they start feeling super bad about it. As night falls, Annaliese realizes she's in trouble and the waterworks start up. Jordan comes back from his date and has what he describes as a healthy conversation. He tells Annaliese how much he freaking likes Jenna and how Jenna is going to get his rose and how he's never felt like this before Jenna. Annaliese doesn't say a word. Not a word. Which Jordan translates as “taking it well.”

Reader: she did not take it well.

But the next day – or maybe it's the day after that? – she's chatting with Jenna about her other options so, I don't know, maybe she didn't care all that much about Jordan anyway. Because if a guy I was seeing dumped me to see another chick I sure as hell would not be gabbing away with her by the poolside.

Then we have John. Angela gave John his rose at the last ceremony, but now Angela's getting shoulder massages from Eric and they seem to be hitting it off nicely. So John's available to share his seltzer with Caroline when she arrives. David's clearly interested when she walks in, but she just goes “I already know you!” and the look on his face is comically crushed. She asks John on her date because he's not like the other guys she's been with recently. He's nerdy and says things like “Come hither!” Caroline is Invested by the end of the night, even though she is 100% distracted from his serious conversation by every animal that passes by.

The next day – or the day after that? – Jubilee arrives! I am a little obsessed with Jubilee, which is miiiiiight be a projection of my Nicki Minaj obsession. Jubilee was in the military. Jubilee plays the cello. Jubilee's look is on point. This is a woman who is Put Together. I was very upset when she got sent home from season three. She does not blink when Caroline tries to pee on John by cuddling with him and just kind of sidles him out of her grasp to ask him on a date.

John and Jubilee do a good job of pretending that zip lining is fun. The producers do a horrible job and do not show us how the two of them got into that ridiculous tandem zip line where John's legs were wrapped around Jubilee's waist. I feel robbed. After the physical activity, they chat and bond over the fact that they were both odd ducks on their respective seasons. Then Jubilee finds out that John built the Venmo app and asks him: “John, what are you doing here?” and my heart melted for them both. It doesn't feel like a run-of-the-mill Why Are You Still Single question; it feels like an honest You're Too Good For These People question.

Then we get to Chris. I knew I hated this guy and his stupid face.

Chris tells Tia he knows what he wants and that's to serve her until his dying day. No, Chris, you don't know what you want. You know who does know what she wants? Krystal.

Krystal, apparently, is the mature one out here in Paradise. Who saw that coming? After their luchador date (How long after their date? No one knows.) Kenny sets up a lovely little candlelit snack for the two of them to show he's serious. Krystal takes the opportunity to pump the breaks a little, citing a lack of chemistry. I get that. Kenny is adorable but he sweats buckets and is kind of corny. He takes it well in her presence, but then complains about getting friend zoned afterward. Eric fuels his fire and then they enter into an ill-advised cheese metaphor that I think is meant to preemptively shade Krystal if she comes back to Kenny in time for the rose ceremony. Did I understand that right?

So Krystal is feeling like a free agent. She seeks out Chris, who she's interested in. Now this might be a bad edit – remember, time does not exist – but it feels like Chris just came from telling Tia he wants her to trust him to making out with Krystal. Not only that, but he tells people about it the next day, even boasting about the stupid line he used on her. Dude, if she didn't already want to kiss you, there is no way that line would have worked.

What we have here is Chris doing the same thing that he accused Colton of doing. And the look on Colton's face when he hears about it is one of the most honest moments this episode. He does not know how to feel. He does get great pleasure out of informing Tia, however, who then goes over to where Chris and Jordan are apparently planning a feast in which they cannibalize – sorry, KISS – every girl in Paradise. Tune in next week to hear Chris's stupid defense.

Random moments shown and not remarked upon further:

  • Becca telling Colton she'll tell Garrett he says hi

  • John and Krystal doing what looks like a handshake

  • Colton accidentally telling Yuki, who's bartending, that he's slept with as many girls as there are in Paradise

HASHTAG COUNTESS AND FRENEMIES (RHONY FINALE RECAP)

HASHTAG COUNTESS AND FRENEMIES (RHONY FINALE RECAP)

MY DOCTOR SAID I'M FAT AND I CRIED

MY DOCTOR SAID I'M FAT AND I CRIED