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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

POKER FACE (RHOC RECAP)

POKER FACE (RHOC RECAP)

When a significant portion of a RHOC opening is dedicated to Vicki Gunvalson’s life as an insurance salesperson, you know this season could be painful. Bravo needs to go in hard on the sad dating lives of Kelly and Shannon or they need to pack up and leave. I don’t need another Vicki is a boss scene; I need a montage of Shannon sabotaging dates by indiscriminately weeping while Kelly chastises her tween daughter for studying when she should be listening to Kelly’s misadventures in gold digging. But for now, we just have Vicki and her put upon son, Michael, working side by side at Coto Insurance.

Vicki loves that Michael is working for her because she’s got a bad case of empty nest syndrome ever since her daughter, Briana, and the grandkids moved across country. Vicki bought Briana a house, took care of the grandkids and gave them money, but moving away from Wack Job Gunvalson, priceless.

Meanwhile, Shannon and Kelly take a quick trip to LA to try to get their groove back at some cheesy cocktail lounge. Like two liberated divorcees, ready to live it up, Shannon cries to Kelly about her body and Kelly cries to Shannon about being lonely. Hurry up, men of the OC. These ladies won’t be on the market for long!

Gina “I need a storyline” Kirschenheiter goes antiquing with some friend. Gina loves this friend because she’s fun unlike all the loser moms in the OC. Loser OC moms take themselves too seriously. Did you know Gina has a friend back home in Long Island with a goofy vagina? Everyone laughs at her vagina and the friend finds it hilarious. No moms in the OC would ever laugh at their vaginas. How lame! Gina knows funny and these women aren’t funny.

Speaking of sad OC moms, Tamra meets up with Shannon to help her buy home workout equipment that she’ll only use to weep on. Tamra admits that she’s hurt that Shannon didn’t invite her along for the LA ladies night. Shannon immediately deflects by breaking down into a puddle of tears and shame. If only one of her QVC frozen meals could help with mood control.

Did you know that Emily is a lawyer by day and party planner by night? She plans parties in that she invites people to her house and has a company set up a party for them. Tonight, she’s hosting a poker night for all the ladies and it’s dull af. Except Shannon’s outfit. This. Now this is gold.

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The ladies get a little tipsy and Fun-Gina becomes loud, squealing Gina, which I guess is her storyline now. She yells about how all the women but her have had work done on their faces, which is true, but also says “Fun-Gina ain’t here to make friends.” Kelly and Vicki begin to bicker again about how Vicki set up her ex with a friend and Kelly breaks down. She’s lonely and wants someone to care. They all head outside, save Fun-Squealing-Gina who’s still doing shots and cackling. For some reason, Emily’s mother-in-law is ever present, hugging and caressing Kelly, like a tiny loving leprechaun.

Party’s over but Gina ain’t ready to go home and has to be asked to leave. We learn this the next day when Emily and a grey bowl of oatmeal that is doubles as Shane, her husband, debrief on the party. Shane doesn’t like drunk women, loud women, or women over 30 so he hates Gina. He helped kick her out of the house after the party and she is not welcome back. Buddy, if you hate this type of woman so much, you’re on the wrong show. You’d do much better on a show about mole rats.

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In more depressing news, Eddie’s latest heart procedure didn’t work and he’s super depressed. Tamra has faith and hopes that Eddie can turn to Jesus during this trying time. Eddie doesn’t want Jesus; he wants a second opinion. If anyone needs Jesus, it’s the person who dove into a hot tub nude and broke her foot.

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MY DOCTOR SAID I'M FAT AND I CRIED

MY DOCTOR SAID I'M FAT AND I CRIED

COLTON'S GREAT LOVE ADVENTURE (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

COLTON'S GREAT LOVE ADVENTURE (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)