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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

COLTON'S GREAT LOVE ADVENTURE (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

COLTON'S GREAT LOVE ADVENTURE (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

Bachelor in Paradise is usually about the women. The women crying, the women scheming, the women putting on makeup. The women must be preserved and put on a pedestal and worshipped as the celestial creatures they are. Oh, I’m sorry –

I mean girls. Or, as Jordan calls Annaliese, little flowers.

The girls are the ones crying, scheming, and makeupping because apparently THERE ARE NO WOMEN IN PARADISE. All these guys are looking for “good girls” and every time they say it I just imagine a dog wagging her tail. It makes sense that a woman could ostensibly wear a bikini every day of the month and none would be the wiser, but I don’t actually know a woman like that in real life. Why is ABC showing me commercials for cars and phones when clearly they should be hocking the DivaCup, or that sponge thing from the escort’s AMA on Reddit.

I digress.

This week, Bachelor in Paradise was not about the women. It was about Colton.

Colton. Colton. Colton.

Like, you were in a relationship with Aly Raisman. I think we have a bar for “too good for you.”

To be fair, I personally don’t think Colton did anything wrong. Well, he kissed Tia on last week’s episode without having long-term goals for their relationship, but Diggy did that to Lacey last year and he didn’t get sent to Bachelor prison. Here’s what Tia did: had only Colton in mind when she went on a television show about hooking up with as many people as possible, convincing one of them you might want to spend the rest of your life with them, and then going home and breaking up. (Statistically speaking, anyhow.) Here’s what Colton did: went on a television show about hooking up with many people with the goal of hooking up with many people. He and Tia have a history that he might or might not want to pursue. He tried to tell her that, but apparently Tia is reeeeeeeeeal slow on the uptake and we had to sit through that 10+ minute conversation of her literally repeating things Colton had said in order for her to understand that he wants to date other people. Colton didn’t want you in his back pocket anything, Tia.

Everyone has this narrative that Colton is indecisive. Jordan, Nick and Chris (the only one with skin in this game, since Tia gives him her rose) decide to lecture Colton about Tia’s feelings. What in hell do they know about Tia’s feelings? How do they know she deserves a good guy? Whence did this weird need to defend her honor come? Colton says, “This is Paradise, bro,” which is some low-key “Welcome to the O.C., bitch,” but less impactful. Chris is a goose. I really am not invested in Chris. I might even hate Chris and his stupid similes and metaphors about Tia being a doll and a book and a whatever.

BUT Colton is not indecisive – he’s cowardly. He should have told Tia he wasn’t ready to jump back in. It’s possible he doesn’t know this and is just being avoidant, but Colton very much knows what he wants in this situation. He does not want to put a ring on Tia at the end of this. He does want to date other people, one of which could have been Tia if she hadn’t cornered him and tried to threaten him by telling him that if she doesn’t pick him, he’s gonna be sent home. Obviously.

Of course, we’ve already seen Colton hit it off with Angela, the one with the big lips, so I wasn’t even slightly worried this drama would end any time soon. But lo! SOMEBODY has been badmouthing Colton to Angela and she don’t want none of that drama! I mean, the question of who did it is really a nonstarter, but whatever.

Colton slowly turns into a supervillain before our very eyes, his own non-blinking crazy eyes looking like that guy at the bar who you laughed at for asking a dumb question and then feared for your life. He tells the camera: “I walked into a f***ing swamp of drama.”

So no one picks Colton at the rose ceremony, until Bibiana picks up the last one and decides to save him in a friendship angle we did not witness at all leading up to this. Did Bibiana’s vagine whisper something to her about Colton? I have no clue.

THEN, Becca the Bachelorette shows up and Colton’s demons of hell are unleashed. Side point: do all the Bachelors and Bachelorettes call former contestants their exes? It’s kind of sweet, but I was expressly told not to refer to people as exes if we were dating less than, like, six weeks.

So Becca and Tia have a reaffirmation of their sisterhood now that that pesky man isn’t between them anymore. And Colton is having a full-on meltdown. That camera pushing in for a full minute on the tears cresting in his bright blue eyes was both the laziest and most brilliant storytelling of the episode.

At this point, we’ve had Flirty Colton, Cornered Colton, Shamed Colton, Angry Colton and Supervillain Colton. Now we get Sadsack Colton and honestly, it breaks my heart a little. He is NOT over Becca and he didn’t know that until some producers shoved her happy glowing in-love romper in his face. I guess he should have expected they would do that to him, but from his speech about portraying perfection, Colton is not the most self-aware contestant. Tune in tomorrow night to see what Becca has to say to him, because Colton might be going home.

AND THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT. Can we stop talking about Colton now? Kenny the wrestler gets a date card, so he asks Krystal and they actually are super cute together. Also, Kenny’s gots skillz. Sweat, too, pouring from his temples, but we’ll forgive it because of his skillz. At the lucha libre match they go to he rips his shirt off and flips around the ring and is Very Impressive. Even Krystal is sweating after that.

I’m gonna guess that if Colton’s not getting a Bachelor push right now, something horrible is going to happen to Kenny- and Krystal’s relationship and then we might get our first black Bachelor? Hmm? You think?

Kevin gets insecure about Krystal going off with Kenny (I will NOT make a KKK joke, though I did thoroughly enjoy BlacKkKlansman) so he starts talking to Astrid. Astrid, I’m sorry to report, is fully invested in the drama this week. She is no longer an innocent bystander. Fare thee well, audience stand-in.

I thought David was going to be a continuing shanda to the Jewish people, since he went to (ineffectively) rat out Jordan to Annaliese. But then he goes up to comfort Colton and I think there might be more to him than that blissful lack of self-awareness. Also, I think he and Nick pissed off a producer somewhere because Nick also got a really unforgiving edit. (See how I’m being forgiving by not just assuming he’s actually a bitch?)

Chelsea gives her rose to David, after (I assume) some very unimportant scenes of them bonding that never aired.

Jordan and Annaliese are hitting it off and he gets the best line of the night. In an effort to help her overcome her dog trauma, Jordan brings her a giant stuffed dog and then drops very heavy hints asking about whether or not he’ll get a rose. She says he will and then he deadpans, “We have a pet now.” Well played, Jordan.

Angela gives her rose to Not Colton John, the guy who invented Venmo, who comes off like a very pleasant chauvinist. Maybe he’s not. He comes off that way, though.

Kendall gives her rose to Grocery Store Joe, after a very funny moment when she does a Hulk voice for him.

Nysha gives her rose to Eric. (See: Chelsea and David, above.)

Nick goes home (yayyyyy) and so does Wills (awwwwwww). Can’t wait to see who Miss Coconuts is from the promos.

POKER FACE (RHOC RECAP)

POKER FACE (RHOC RECAP)

EVERYBODY POOPS (RHONY RECAP)

EVERYBODY POOPS (RHONY RECAP)