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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

EVERYBODY POOPS (RHONY RECAP)

EVERYBODY POOPS (RHONY RECAP)

Oy Veh.  I thought last episode of RHONY was fecally-inclined but shit is proving to be the leitmotif of this season.

We open on Ramona’s redone house in the Hamptons, which she has spent the last year furnishing through online shopping and Jill Zarin rugs. Everything is white, everything is affordable, and everything is glorious...according to Ramona. Ramona is most proud of the fact that her dogs can poop anywhere because the rugs are poop resistant. Dorinda, who is touring Casa Turtle Time, notes that it would be easier to train her dogs to poop outside but Ramona isn’t bound by the yoke of commonly-held norms around cleanliness.

Luann and Sonja show up for the grand tour and Luann goes full Countess, quietly ripping the renovations for being way too basic. This from a woman who designed a clothing line seemingly inspired by Vera Bradley bags.

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All the women still have diarrhea from their trip to Cartagena but Sonja ain’t bothered because she’s been di-pin’. She happily wore a diaper on the plane home from Columbia and what’s more, she wears a diaper anytime she takes the megabus to the Hamptons cuz Lady Morgan would rather shit herself than use bus toilets. There’s so much poop-talk at the top of this episode that I’m surprised Bethenny hasn’t branded a line of Skinnygirl feces yet.

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Over at Carole’s place, Tinsley is still insisting the boat ride from hell wasn’t that bad. Poor Tinsley. She organized the Cartagena trip and it was a literal and figurative shit show. It’s clear that Tinsley thinks if she wishes hard enough that the trip was fabulous, it will make it so. Carole tells Tinsley her attitude is of someone who has a history of abusive relationships, which is a bridge too far and pretty cruel. Tinsley sits there, mouth agape, quietly sad-squealing, false lashes, firmly in place.

Sonja is still trying to rent out her townhouse and god love her realtor, Christine, who just came here to rent property but ended up managing the loveable but psychotic hoarding tendencies of Lady Morgan. (Out in theatres next fall. Take all your girlfriends.) Sonja declares that her dogs pooped in the yard during winter and now the snow is melting revealing mounds of shit so Christine must explain seasonal changes to potential tenants. Sonja could just pick up her dogs’ poop but that would be off brand for RHONY.

Bethenny has finally settled into her gorgeous NYC apartment and Dorinda comes by to fawn over Bethenny’s closet and bathrooms and icemaker. She also reveals that she’s still angry at Luann for being totally condescending about drinking in Cartagena. Luann was pretty sneering considering she herself is an alcoholic but Dorinda said atrocious things to Luann. No one wins this fight so let this go, Dorinda. Just go see your bf John at his dry cleaning business, have a romantic lunch in the back of the dry cleaners, and the two of you can do a few bumps like you always do. There, there, all better.

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Carole throws a party for her latest article in Cosmo. She has deemed the dress code “athletic chic”, which is mostly just track pants with heels, or anything the Kardashians ever wear. Naturally, Ramona shows up in a full cocktail dress because the athletic part of her outfit is her tight body. Adam, Carole’s ex, arrives with a homemade trophy for her that apparently he’d been creating for days (get a REAL job sexy salad boy) and the two have an awkward conversation with tons of weighty silence. Probably because they have nothing in common except boinking.

Later, Bethenny and Sonja visit the warehouse where Skinnygirl jeans are created and Bethenny is way too impressed that Sonja knows how to use a washer and dryer. Sonja reminds us that she went to the Fashion Institute of Technology back in the day. Probably where she learned to wear diapers so well.

Then we’re off to another party where Ramona is launching “Ageless,” her skin care line. This is just so rich because Ramona is regularly featured enduring painful facial procedures to stay fresh. Girl, you don’t look the way you do because of some lotion, but fine, hawk your wares. Speaking of peddling goods, Sonja shows up with boxes of her new shoe line because a Lady always usurps someone else’s event for her own financial gain. How else is she gonna pay for all that dog poop pickup?

COLTON'S GREAT LOVE ADVENTURE (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

COLTON'S GREAT LOVE ADVENTURE (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

NOPE, IT DIDN'T GET CANCELLED! (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

NOPE, IT DIDN'T GET CANCELLED! (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)