Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



Who are we to justify the ways of Chris Harrison? Bachelor in Paradise is back, and man have I missed watching fit white people and their sunburns, flat butts, and hair frizzing slowly in the punishing sun. Actually, this season features a not-embarrassing number of people of color, so yay ABC for committing to diversity even without understanding how to properly vet contestants! Obviously, Corinne won’t be joining us again because she’s still being tortured by Sacha Baron Cohen, but there are plenty of larger-than-life personalities to keep this boat a-floating. For some, this will be Paradise Lost. For others, Paradise Found. (… in tabloid headlines six months after their engagement airs. *cough* Taylor and Derek *cough*) Who will rise and who will fall? Let’s find out!

The cast this episode is large – like, twenty people large. The first rose ceremony, which does not happen in this episode, is Eve’s Choice so you can expect a lot of kissing up from the guys in hopes that they will not be cast out. Let’s look at the main players:

TIA: Like Raven last season, Tia is poised to be the Southern Queen Bee on the Beach. But her preoccupation with Colton ends up taking precedence and instead she becomes a hot mess, torn between waiting for him to show up and moving on. Spoiler alert: she does both. Like, would it not have been easier to just, I don’t know, CALL HIM ahead of time instead of saving drama for a reality TV show to bare your soul to an audience so that you can sell them products on Instagram afterward? Oh right ... yeah, that makes sense. By the end of this episode, Tia’s got both Chris and Colton vying for her fickle affections.

JORDAN: If I knew I would get some accompanying sound effects, you better believe I’d be taking advantage. Jordan is wisely utilized as a narrator for parts of this episode because if Jordan spit it, Jordan wrote it. Unlike other narcissists who have appeared on the show, though, he seems genuinely interested in finding someone. 

BIBIANA: Okay, Bibi. I have issues. You talk like your uterus needs action, and you brought bathing suits to “kill them with booty,” but you are not interested in any of the hot people around you. Your vagine did not whisper to you. Am I missing something? Also what happened with the New Zealand guy on The Bachelor Winter Games?? Anyhow that post credits scene with Eric helping her get a booger off her face was super sweet (ignore Jordan retching in the background). Honestly, the sweetest parts of BiP are often the coed friendships – think Nick Viall and Ashley Iaconetti. Speaking of ....

KEVIN: This Canadian firefighter first crossed over our borders for Winter Games, where he and Ashley I. hit it off in a major, she-might-have-lost-her-virginity-to-him kind of way. And now he claims Ashley kissed Jared while they were still together! Does that make it more or less sweet that Ashley 100% sabotaged Jared’s relationship with Caila in season three? Does Kevin’s saltiness make him more or less attractive? He makes a very strong move on Krystal this episode, which she seems to enjoy lots, so I’m reserving judgment.

GROCERY STORE JOE: Shout out to Chicago! I love how every thought that enters Joe’s mind is visible on his sweet, open face. Like when Kendall tells him her favorite place to picnic is in a cemetery. Yes, you did lose him there, honey. But apparently this wholesome Chicagoan is into Kendall’s wholesome weirdness because they’re making out by the end of the first day. Also, kudos to Joe for not wasting time! He speaks to all the female contestants, and when Kendall says she was expecting more aggro behavior re: territory marking, Joe is totally like “What do you think I’m doing, bitch” but in a super nice, wholesome way.

KENDALL: Yeah, I’m definitely missing something about her allure. 

KRYSTAL: Lordy lord, am I glad to see you. There is something so cathartic about watching a walking makeup tutorial slowly unravel when the Chicagoan she wants is making out with somebody else. Krystal still ends up pulling someone – Canadian Kevin – but I really wish she would unleash the catty diva she’s fighting to hide. 

CHELSEA: A mom! All hail this mom. I’m not sure what Blonde Nick was going for, but he tries in a really roundabout, kind of drunk? vaguely offensive way to come on to Chelsea when they’re sitting on one of the daybeds and she is NOT having it. She is facedown bored. She is irritated. And she is tired. She tells him she’s going up to her room and #thanksbutnothanks DO NOT FOLLOW ME. Chelsea, I support you.

KENNY: Too pure for this world.

DAVID: Wants to marry his mother.

There are some other peeps who will hopefully make themselves known – Astrid, the tea sipping audience stand-in; Wills, the best dresser; Chris, who thinks he’s a goose but I can’t be bothered to care about. Who will be our Adam and Eve? Who will be the snake who causes its own downfall? Will bisexuality be weirdly touted as a wild card again? Will we ever learn the difference between a sunburn and a drunk flush? Until next week, HEAUXS!!