THAT TIME MILLENNIALS TRIED TO CONVINCE US RICHMOND IS EXCITING (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
We find our Bachelorette in Richmond, Virginia, or “the RVA” as the cool kids are calling it these days.
Let’s get two things out of the way: one, the Virgin is not revealed in Virginia, and two, racial tensions do not boil over (or even show up) in the Capital of Confederacy. Because, let’s face it, either of those things might have at least been interesting. Instead, we have a bunch of horny fuckbois pretending to be turned on by colonial American history. I mean, couldn’t they have at least worked a Hamilton reference up in here? THROW A SISTA A BONE PEOPLE.
While I’m relieved to be done with that Dave-Jordan mess, we still have WAY TOO MUCH CHRIS to deal with this episode. But first, a long-awaited one-on-one date with Jason. Now I will admit I have a huge bias against guys who use more product than I do, especially in the slicked back way. (He’s edging dangerously close to Drumpf son territory with this ‘do.) But DAMN if I didn’t get ALLLLLLL the feels at his reaction to his homies surprising him in that bar! That shit was damn near magical. The only semi-original, not completely contrived, not involving a no-name contemporary country singer move that they’ve made this season. (P.S. Don’t millennials like ANY other genre of music? WTF???)
So Becca’s finally got starry eyes for Jason (now that she seems able to remember his name) and maybe I do too. Shit, at least he seems to have a brain and a real job and not be a violent psychopath. Sad how low the bar is going this season. Emotional vulnerability, smooch, smooch, rose.
Then the group date reveal, which tells us that sweet Leo is getting a 1:1. (I’m legit jealous of his curl pattern.) But first we must suffer through the worst Bachelor franchise group date idea since Arie’s “Best in Show” date, the “Beccalection.” These fools pretend to debate the merits of this woman they all hardly know and really just want to bone until…THE DRAMA. Chris airs all the dirty laundry and humiliates Becca in front of the Governor of Virginia and like 100 other people. Lincoln spends the rest of the day trying to lie his way out of things. It’s a good look for exactly NOBODY. The other guys are understandably pissed that Storm Cloud Chris just keeps showing up over their heads. Garrett can barely form sentences, Wills is about to cry he loves this girl so damn much, and Colton just relies on his good looks and continues to withhold a KEY piece of information. Which of course earns him a rose. Ugh.
Then we are treated to an actual date with an actual man, which of course is overshadowed by Becca’s Chris-Lincoln hangover. But Leo is extra adorable and extra vulnerable and all of a sudden he’s my absolute favorite except he needs to find himself a lady on the west coast and get the hell out of this TV show. (Maybe that other Bekah? Ha ha!) Dude, she’s out there, keep looking. He is clearly falling, though, and frankly I’m unsure if it’s good or bad that he gets a rose because he ain’t making it to the finish line. Mark my words. He comes home, and Chris pops off the couch, putting his Top Secret plan into motion.
Cue Crazy Chris trying to convince Becca he’s not the violent stalker type by, um, showing up unannounced and uninvited to her room late at night. Dude. Get some self-awareness, and while you are at it, some anger management classes too. She does the right thing and tells him to GTFOH, finally, but I know I’m not the only one who was worried that he was gonna try something (and then I remembered there were like 4 camera people and 6 producers in there so homegirl was safe). Good riddance.
I should’ve guessed by the short amount of time left on the old DVR that Becca was going to forego the cocktail party, but I was still a bit surprised by that. I can hardly remember the name of the bland white dude who threw the picture in the pool, but in a nice ironic twist he and Lincoln both finally get the boot and most of the true dead weight is gone. (Oh right, Connor. Literally had to look that one up.) So we’re down to 6. Usually when I watch the Bachelorette, I get more invested as the season progresses but I’m barely holding on here. But I will hold on, because I want to see side by side images of Becca’s face when Arie unceremoniously dumped her on national TV and the moment when she finds out about Colton’s “status” to see which she actually finds more shocking. I predict all traces of melanin and curls to be gone by hometowns leaving (sweet but kinda boring) Jason, (Instagram racist) Garrett, (virgin) Colton, and the guy who I hadn’t even thought once about in the course of this recap…(bland) Blake. Limping to the finish line.