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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

WASTED AWAY AGAIN IN MARGARITAVILLE (RHOC RECAP)

WASTED AWAY AGAIN IN MARGARITAVILLE (RHOC RECAP)

Years go by, marriages fail, and friendships crumble but one thing is for sure—Americans will always act like drunken troglodytes at Mexican resorts.

Vicki and Tamra have been invited to join Shannon in Puerto Vallarta for a quick friendship-affirming jaunt around the beach while wearing sombreros and mainlining tequila.

On the way to the airport, Vicki defends her choice to keep secret the fact that she and Steve have been going on double dates with Kelly’s ex, Michael. Tamra understands why Kelly is so upset but Vicki is adamant that Kelly has overreacted and Vicki is just trying to be a great friend to everyone. Meanwhile Kelly is leaning on her 12-year old daughter Jolie for support about Vicki’s betrayal and Michael’s dating life. Rule #1 in a divorce: Always complain about your child's other parent directly to their face. Brava, Kell. Jolie gives Kelly sound advice about being polite but distant with Vicki and Kelly nods appreciatively like she will absolutely turn around and try to fight Vicki on camera.

Shannon arrives at the airport to greet her guests in a sombrero and three tequila shots. She stands longingly, waiting for her friends to alight the plane. She looks simultaneously tired and battered and like a little girl in line to see Santa. It’s what the last tiny iota of hope looks like right before it’s snuffed out by the cruel realities of a bruising divorce and raising three teenage daughters solo. Salud!

Finally, just as Shannon is about to turn into a donkey who lost its tail, Vicki and Tamra lumber into the airport, squealing and snorting. The ladies take a shot of tequila, fall over, and break the glasses while numerous airport employees stare in disbelief. Of course, some poor airport staff has to clean up after them. If this ain’t a metaphor for American imperialism or environmental impact on global warming, I don’t know what is.

Back in the good old U.S. of A, Gina and Emily are in some god-awful workout class called Strides and Strollers, where moms work out while their kids whine and try to distract you from working out. Get a storyline or get off of my screen, ladies.

Shannon, Tamra, and Vicki (the three amigas) end up at a bar called Andale, which seems to be Señor Frogs for señior citizens. The amigas down about 15 shots and Tamra flashes her boobs numerous times. Vicki is more subdued because boring boyfriend Steve told her not to do anything she wouldn’t do in front of the grandkids. It’s killing Vicki. All she wants to do if flash some nip.

Vicki then orders tacos on the street while Shannon weeps drunkenly about her divorce as her breasts fall out of her shirt. God, this makes me miss college.

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The ladies stumble back to the resort where Tamra undresses and jumps in the hot tub. Lady is fit but not fit enough to avoid injuries that are bound to occur when you drink a tub of hard liquor in your 50s because she breaks her foot jumping around. She takes herself to the hospital after the other amigas pass out and comes back with a confirmation of breakage, a cast, and none of her dignity intact.

The next day, the ladies regroup over breakfast and I seriously can’t believe no one has been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. At least one of them should have died. Vicki and Shannon attempt to carry Tamra to the beach and once again have to rely on the kindness of a Mexican hotel employee for assistance hauling their dumb friend around. Something tells me these three are terrible tippers so I’m starting a GoFundMe for staff at this hotel to support therapy costs for what they witnessed during filming. Those scars last a lifetime.

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The last day of the trip is sort of ruined because Tamra is on painkillers and can’t really move. She falls asleep during dinner so the other two amigas put her to bed and then assemble in their living room for a tequila tasting. Some put-upon hotel staff walks these too boozers through an educational tequila tasting while Vicki makes disgusting lizard faces each time she takes a sip and Shannon shouts unintelligibly.

The tasting is over and so Ms. Shannon is ready for another good cry. She weeps to Vicki about David moving on with a younger hotter version of herself so quickly after 20 years together. I don’t mean to be snotty (yes I do) but David actually moved on DURING the marriage when he had a torrid affair, but that’s neither here nor there. It all still hurts. The amigas hug and kiss secure in the knowledge that their friendship is solid, their futures are bleak, and tequila is the fountain of youth.

THE SHIT STORM (RHONY RECAP)

THE SHIT STORM (RHONY RECAP)

LIPSTICKS AND STONES (RHONY RECAP)

LIPSTICKS AND STONES (RHONY RECAP)