LIPSTICKS AND STONES (RHONY RECAP)
Another day in Cartagena, another episode of RHONY and still no boat disaster. I’m starting to think we’ll never witness the near death of the entire cast of RHONY and that makes me profoundly sad. At this point, I would even settle for Tinsley getting absorbed by one of those princess wedding dresses she loves so dearly never to be heard from again, save for a faint rasp each time a housewive finds real love.
We pick back up with Bethenny mid-breakdown, desperately trying to pull herself together by rubbing ice from the fridge all over her face. After adequately freezing her feelings, she and Dorinda head out to meet up with the rest of the women who are purchasing very expensive beach hats.
Carole whispers to Dorinda that she can’t continue to engage with someone who is always breaking down and Bethenny listens from in between a rack of clothes like an old-timey spy.
Sonja then spills to Bethenny that Ramona was bitching about her and Bethenny immediately calls up her boyfriend to charter a plane home. He calms her down and she heads off to grab coconut juice from a street vendor. Luann is appalled that anyone would deign to drink juice from a stand. According to the Countess, “Everybody knows you do not eat street meat or street juice.” This is very Phaedra Parks of her and I ain’t mad. Luann is all about reinventing herself these days and why not play the part of Bobby Brown’s former lawyer.
All the women meet up for an incredibly awkward lunch where no one makes eye contact because Bethenny is a weepy raincloud showering everyone she touches with her deep rooted sadness stemming from a bad childhood and a lifetime of destroying friendships with those she holds dear.
Who knows what these women do between meals because before we know it, they’re primping for dinner. Sonja is dressed in pepto pink short-shorts and is strategizing about the best methods for hiding camel toe. Never change, sweet angel. You are a true gift to the world of Reality TV and I see myself in you. Carole visits Sonja and tries to ply her with gaudy earrings in order to gather intel on why Bethenny has become so hostile. Sonja doesn’t really have an answer so she refocuses her efforts on making her nether-regions look right and tight. At some point she also declares that she wants to be eaten by a man. This woman has no nuance and it’s such a breath of fresh air.
The ladies regroup for dinner and apparently they’ve all entered a competition for whose ears can bear the most weight from heinous costume jewelry. Spoiler alert: They’re all losers.
Carole moves to Bethenny’s side of the table to finally hash out their issues. Carole has grown apart from Bethenny, Bethenny has lashed out, and Carole has no time for Bethenny’s tantrums. But WHO THE FUCK CARES because at the other side of the table, Luann notices that Dorinda is slipping from happy drunk into mean drunk and makes a snide comment about it. Well you get what you put out in the universe because Dorinda immediately morphs into the demogorgon from Stranger Things and yells a string of insults, including:
I’m not the one with the mug shot.
*Incomprehensible drunken screaming*.
She also tells Ramona to shut her mouth, which is ironic because for the first time in her life, Ramona is measured and quiet. Luann runs out of the restaurant while Ramona and Sonja try to tame the wild beast.
When Bethenny gets back to the house, Luann cries to her about Dorinda’s attack and Bethenny assures her that Dorinda is projecting her own drinking problem on Luann. It’s super odd to see these two bond. It seems like just yesterday that Bethenny was accusing Luann of being a whore. There’s nothing like depression and a few felony convictions to bring two feuding broads together.
Downstairs, Dorinda has smeared lipstick all over her face and has dumped all of her cigarettes on the floor like the glamorous Upper East Sider she is. She feels bad for attacking Luann but she also feels Luann had no business judging her drinking since she’s been sober for basically a day (and not even because in real time, Luann is back in rehab).
Of course, it’s hard to understand any of this through the slurring and the distracting face paint. Could it be that these friendships are irreparably damaged? Maybe nothing can bring these women back together now...except a near death boat ride which is GUARANTEED for realsies next week, right, Andy Cohen? You promised!