Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



For the second time in as many episodes, RHOC opens on a half-finished kitchen and Eddie’s half-functioning heart. Eddie can’t do the things he loves, like extreme fitness and maximum extreme fitness and Tamra can’t wash a dish because the sink is barely installed. At least they have their love of Cut Fitness swag to shine a ray of light into this otherwise Orwellian tale. Vicki is determined to make things right between her and Tamra once and for all by rectifying things with Eddie. Attempt number one--she sends catering to Eddie after his not-so-successful heart surgery. Eddie sneers that he’d rather eat dog shit. Tamra’s like, cool as she scarfs down the Vicki-funded delicacies.

Meanwhile. Shannon is taking her daughters on a luxury vacay to Mexico. For some reason David is paying for this trip even though his divorce to Shannon is at Liza Minnelli/David Gest levels of animosity. All of Shannon's suitcases are about 40 lbs over the allowable limit and something tells me the weight of her physical baggage directly correlates to the weight of her emotional baggage.


This episode, we learn more about sassy lawyer Emily. She had terrible trouble conceiving so her sister carried all her babies for her; she wants another baby; she hates working out, and as far as I can tell her husband is a human-shaped cardboard cutout. What is with charismatic, smart women marrying total duds? Oh, right. Patriarchy. My bad. On their anniversary dinner, the man-shaped cardboard insists he doesn’t want any more kids and barely kisses Emily because he doesn’t want to mess up her lipstick. LIE DOWN AND BE A VESSEL FOR EVERYTHING EMILY DESIRES, YOU UNGRATEFUL AUTOMATON. You should consider yourself lucky that a woman like that would let you clean her toilets. And yes, I know, this schmuck does not clean.

Shannon calls Tamra from Mexico and invites her there on small bonding trip. She also plans to invite Vicki to get them all back to a good, trusting place. And to “have cocktails and get crazy.” Oof. Famous last words, Shan-Van. How much do you wanna bet Shannon and Tamra come to blows while Vicki ends up in another neck brace.


Tamra wants to be supportive of Shannon’s transition into single-motherhood but her husband has a bad heart and can’t do pull-ups anymore so this is all a little too much.

NEW HOUSEWIFE ALERT.  It’s Gina. She may look like a generic blond OC mom but she talks funny cuz she’s from Long Island. What a personality quirk! She’s got three kids and a husband that works full time in LA and that’s the way she likes it. Welcome to hell, Gina. It’s probably a lot like Long Island.


Tamra and Eddie head out for a romantic lunch and are abruptly interrupted by a call from Vicki who is driving over to apologize to Eddie for spreading rumors about his sexuality.

Vicki arrives and before you can shriek “Whoop It Up”, she’s pulled out bible verses from her purse and is quoting Deuteronomy about how she wronged Eddie and Tamra. Vicki has the cadence of a 13-year old boy reading his Torah portion at his bar mitzvah but instead of a congregation, we just have jesus-freak Tamra nodding along tearfully while Eddie looks bemused. Vicki is also dressed like the logical conclusion of Lindsay Lohan. Very furry. Very iridescent. Very raging against the dying of the light. It seems like most is forgiven so please someone turn up Celebration by Kool & The Gang and let the Manischewitz flow!


With one friendship salvaged, Vicki MUST ruin another. It’s the only way to keep the world spinning on its axis and the sky from falling. And so, she heads over to Kelly’s house for some wine and absolute insensitivity. Kelly heard a rumor that Vicki set up Michael, her ex, with a girlfriend. Vicki immediately goes on the defensive explaining that Michael was at a BBQ she hosted and met one of her friends there,  but she had nothing to do with that. Besides, Steve and Vicki have only gone on a few double dates with the new lovebirds, so what’s Kelly upset about? DOUBLE DATES??? Kelly is rightfully incensed. Not only should Vicki have told her Michael was dating but Vicki should not be hanging out with her emotionally abusive-ex. Vicki thinks Kelly is overreacting and calmly expresses this by screaming in her face. Vicki, Vicki, Vicki...Friends help each other through divorces; they don’t start hanging out with the ex post-divorce-Deuteronomy: 3:14