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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

FISH OUT OF WATER (RHONY RECAP)

FISH OUT OF WATER (RHONY RECAP)

AH. MA. GAWD. America has waited with bated breath, fists clenched, salivating for the much hyped boat-capsizing event extraordinaire in Cartagena, Colombia. Yet another episode of RHONY has come and gone and the women are still unscathed...mostly. Hear me now Andy Cohen--give me near death experience or give me death!

Tinsley has organized a trip to stunning Cartagena, one of her favorite places in the world outside of wedding dress shops. We are treated to the always dependable packing montage with lots of closet porn and then a big reveal that Ramona has sprained her foot. Ms. Singer refuses to wear sensible shoes and insists on being carted around in a wheelchair while sporting heels. A thirstier Mariah Carey, if you will.

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The ladies arrive in glorious Cartagena to a dazzling mansion and my Pavlovian response is to become sweaty and anxious. Ten seasons of this BS has programmed me to know that luxury travel involves all-out brawls over who gets which room. Not to fear, Tinsley has devised an ingenious solution. She lays out seven Tiffany boxes, each with a necklace inside. The women foam at the mouth and fall in line. She then has each woman open a box in each room and whoever’s initials are on the necklace inside gets that room. The women are placated. Tinsley wins the day! Imagine being so spoiled and ungrateful that the only way you won’t fight over luxury accommodations is if someone gives you Tiffany jewelry. I hope to be that out of touch someday.

The ladies get settled and Ramona screams at the house staff to hang up her clothes because it’s not a RHONY vacation if Ramona isn't degrading the help. Bethenny complains that the house seems a little grimy which Dorinda later relays to Tinsley because Dorinda will implode into vodka and sparkles if she holds onto someone else’s negative opinion for more than a millisecond.

The women gather for lunch and Ramona tells Bethenny there’s chicken in the soup when really it’s fish, to which Bethenny is pretty damn allergic. Bethenny itches. Bethenny pukes. Bethenny lies on her bathroom floor half-naked and moaning. Ramona insists it was all an accident but girl is too calculating for accidents. First she instagrams incriminating pics of Luann then she poisons Bethenny--Ramona is the Arya Stark of this season. Ruthless.

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Everyone suggests a little white wine will clear up Bethenny’s allergic reaction. I can’t wait for these women to be in a life-threatening boat situation. There’s no one I’d rely on less for my health and safety.

Karma’s a bitch because soon after the attempted murder of Bethenny, Ramona gets stuck in the house elevator and though we can audibly hear her screaming, the women do nothing. Probably because Ramona is always screaming, even when she’s at her most reserved, so who cares. Tinsley gets ready with the help of her glam squad which Scott paid for because Tinsley is his little doll. It seems kinda gross, though if my man sent a glam squad to make me look my best on vacation, I wouldn’t say boo. But my man didn’t. So I’ll judge this hard.

Luann appears dressed in a wig, channeling Sofia Vergara because apparently dressing up as Diana Ross wasn't enough cultural appropriation for one season. Also, she’s way more Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman than Modern Family milf.

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The ladies head out for a night on the town, hair done, nails done, wheelchair on point.

It turns out that Brian, the red-scarfed dude who was heavily pursuing Bethenny during last week’s speed dating event, has gone on a date with Carole, and has allowed Ramona to throw herself into his moving car for a not-at-all desperate attempt to have drinks. Carole recounts how nice the date was, and Bethenny (who is not interested in Brian) asserts that he has been texting her nonstop. Carole insinuates that Bethenny is jealous; Bethenny insinuates that he and Carole are losers. You can cut the tension with one of the lasers Ramona uses to keep herself looking taught. The real lesson here is that a man who pursues multiple real housewives is a fame-hungry creep. Red scarf is a walking red flag. Shouldn’t he be hanging out with Harry and Tom? Be gone, boy!

Bethenny decides to head back to the house with Luann and Sonja in toe, who then convince her to go drinking with the other girls. When they return, Tinsley approaches Bethenny about her complaints about the house, which sets Bethenny off at Dorinda because Dorinda is basically a talking parrot dressed in Pucci.

The next morning, Scott sends Tinsley a huge heart-shaped bouquet with 365 roses for their year anniversary. Luann makes the surprisingly incisive comment that it looks like a funeral arrangement. It totally does look like something that would be featured next to granny’s casket. Maybe the bouquet will come in handy in case someone dies in the upcoming boating fiasco. Before the ladies go shopping, Bethenny breaks down about her impending custody battle, moving condos, her deteriorating relationship with Carole, and her generally insanity. All the other women just want to go buy stuff. Next week’s previews are played AND STILL NO CAPSIZING. Enough of Bethenny’s tears. WHERE IS MY BOAT EMERGENCY?

COULD NOT CARE LESS (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

COULD NOT CARE LESS (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

AN OVERINFLATED SENSE OF IMPORTANCE WILL ONLY GET YOU SO FAR (HANDMAIDS TALE RECAP)

AN OVERINFLATED SENSE OF IMPORTANCE WILL ONLY GET YOU SO FAR (HANDMAIDS TALE RECAP)