Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



Well, the walking peroxide bottles are here for another season, pulled-back-eyed and bushy-tailed, with new leases on life. As I watch their blonde heads bob around their cul-de-sacs trying desperately to hold onto their youth, I can’t help but wonder if they all voted for Trump or if some opted out of voting altogether. No, these women aren’t the storied out-of-work coal miner or the small town hit by opiate addiction but they set off my Spidey senses in a way that tells me they’d never vote for a woman and they like that man’s pussy grabbin’ style. But nevertheless, I persist in watching this trash.

Tamra and Eddie are moving into a new home. Yay! Eddie has also developed atrial fibrillation, an abnormal heart rhythm that prevents him from working out 24/7, though it doesn’t prevent him from wearing Cut Fitness swag 24/7. Sad! Tamra’s trying to get the new house finished before Eddie’s surgery but she has no kitchen sink and barely any furniture so Eddie will be spending his convalescence in what looks like the three-quarter mark on any Property Brothers episode. Eddie’s surgery goes well but the doctors find out that his heart isn’t working that well so more procedures await. The sequel to Untamed Heart just wrote itself.

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Speaking of making a house a home, Vicki is desperately pressuring her boyfriend Steve to move in permanently; Shannon has downsized post-David divorce from a 40,000 square foot home to a measly 4,000 foot home; and Kelly has moved into an adorable two-bedroom flat with her daughter Jolie, post-divorce from Michael. Whew. That’s a lot of real estate news. Market is hot hot hot from sad sad lives.

There’s a quaint little montage where we see that Kelly is a great mom who can’t help her 6th grader with factors (adorbs); Shannon’s daughters are already playing Shannon and David off of each other (so sweet); and all the women are friends with Vicki again (hurray?).

Vicki and Shannon meet at what appears to be the lobby of a boutique dentist office for egg whites and avocado toast and Shannon confesses that David has a young girlfriend. She doesn’t care though. She may be crying but she DOES. NOT. care. Shannon is fine. Shannon is an independent lady doing it for hersel...oh god, Shannon is outside yelling at clouds again. Someone get the Xanax and a bag of healing crystals, STAT!

Later, Tamra checks in on Shannon only to find Shannon still wearing her wedding ring. Shannon exclaims that it’s not because she’s holding onto her marriage; it’s because it represents the fact that she was a wife and mother. Oh Shan-Van. Anyone can take one look into your sad, tired eyes and see that you bore children. It’s the mark they leave on us. Tamra and Shannon spend about five minutes removing the ring, which is stuck on Shan’s finger, a metaphor for so much shit on this show that it can only be explained through a Sunset Boulevard gif.

Oh look! Someone new. It’s Emily. Party planner by night, lawyer by day. Mom and wife. Agreed to marry her husband over Gchat. Fashion inspiration: Delta Burke on Designing Women.


Emily once had a falling out with Tamra for inviting Ricky--spreader of rumors that Eddie was making out with guys--to a party. But now everything is fine. Hi Emily. Bye Emily. See you later this season. Hope you make it. So far, you’re way better than Meghan King Edmonds (good riddance.)

Kelly has a brilliant idea to build trust between the gals and invites them all to participate in the fine art of ropes-coursing. The women arrive ready to tackle anything and immediately Vicki trips over her own foot. And GOD BLESS the Bravo TV producers because there’s an EPIC montage of Vicki falling throughout the years and I’m reminded how much crap I’m willing to watch if it gives me 30 seconds of hilarious physical hijinks.

Shannon, who is totally fine everyone, has a goddamn meltdown on the ropes. Then Vicki gets her finger caught in the ropes and howls like she’s Wolfman and Kelly and Tamra shriek and it literally sounds like there’s an ambulance in my living room. Somehow they all get down and agree that ropes-coursing was an amazing experience.

I don’t know where this season will take us but it’s better with Vicki on the ins than the outs. And it’s better with those shitty husbands on the outs than the ins. Onwards you vapid crones!