HOMETOWNS (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
My favorite thing about Hometowns is the sneak peek into America’s interior design choices. I’ll never forget how surprisingly Wisconsin Peter’s family was with that sectional that was so large it practically ran from the front door through the entire house and then back out the garage, recliners and built in cup holders everywhere. You know what America loves? A floor urn with manufactured sticks jutting out of it. You know what America loves? Plastic topiaries from Home Goods, uplit plastic trees, brocade recliners, and one million Joanna Gaines for Magnolia Homes metal / plastic clocks. It’s a damn delight.
These dates however. Well.
Becca’s wearing a romper and ankle boots because she’s so basic it hurts. She mounts Garrett in her traditional greeting and I’ll never get over this behavior. I’ve never been this excited to see anyone in my life. I mean this is what an untrained dog does when it sees you, jumps all over and humps your leg in public. Control yourself, girl.
Garrett shows Becca some agriculture because he’s the salt of the earth (read Trump supporter). They plant some tomatoes on a giant squeaky machine. They envision their future kids also sitting on this machine. And then they plant a rose bush because obviously.
Time to go meet the family and relive the horror of Garrett’s marriage to THE WORST WOMAN IN THE WORLD. The way they talk about her, it's as if some real Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf type shit went down and George, I mean Garrett, just barely got out alive. If this girl does not sell her story to US Weekly after Garrett and Becca are engaged, I will be so damn disappointed. Like I’m hoping we haven’t heard from her yet because she’s smart enough to GET PAID.
You know Garrett's family is "traditional" because of their topiaries and brocade couches in neutral colors. Garrett gives a toast and says he’s so happy to be with the people he loves and is falling in love with and his mom’s face was LOL. He goes to chat with his sister who immediately breaks down in tears about his failed marriage. Whut. Then his mom is crying about his failed marriage. Whut. HE GOT DIVORCED Y’ALL, SHIT HAPPENS. Who is this invested in their brother’s romantic life? I can’t claim to understand Trump supporters.
My second favorite thing about hometowns is how one family member always emerges from the masses a star. Tonight that would be Steven, Jason's fabulous brother serving thick rimmed glasses, plaid, and flop-top touchable hair realness. Which begs the question, IF JASON HAS A GAY BROTHER WHY DOES HE HAVE THAT TERRIBLE 90s WALL STREET SLICKED BACK HAIR AND PERPETUAL OVERCOAT?
Ohhhh...so he’s got buffalo wing sauce in his hair. That’s what’s happening
Jason says he’s going to show Becca "the deep roots of his life" and that’s hockey. The thing about hockey is NOBODY CARES. Then there’s some Douglas Dorsey type skating – toe pick! – but unfortunately Becca is too boring to hit him in the face with a puck.
Then they make out on a Zamboni. What a world.
What a fucking emotional rollercoaster this was. Blake is only 28 years old but boy he's lived at least two full seasons of Friday Night Lights. Not only was he a high school athlete with glory days, not only did his mom bang his gym teacher, but he also SURVIVED A SCHOOL SHOOTING. He tells Becca all about this in a speech that would make a cynical person believe he's being groomed to become the next Bachelor. Becca listens dutifully to the horrors of the school shooting and then he leads her into a darkened auditorium where a bunch of people scare the shit out of her.
No joke, I would've hit the fucking floor because what the fuck, we were just talking about school shootings and why are we in a high school and this is all traumatizing. The only way this would've been ok is if there had been an 80s prom set up, thanks bye.
Then we meet the only person who matters, Blake's slutty mom.
Listen, I don't think she's slutty, but Blake's white bread, naive schtick is certainly painting her out to be the town harlot, so a joke had to be made. Honestly, I love Shelly and her Women Who Runs With the Wolves hair. DO YOU SHELLY.
One of my besties texted me that she thought it was soooo sweet that they went to the children's hospital on this date and that is how i know my heart is STONE COLD because I was like eye roll emoji eye roll emoji. Colton is a manufactured man-child full of shit he thinks America will like. Well guess what, A LOT OF AMERICA DOES LIKE IT. But the only thing I like is Kaley who is the most wonderful child ever and I adore her. Becca gives her a gift bag and she removes what's essentially a butter dish and says, "I’ll totally use this!" Kaley is a class act.
My other question is, are Colton's parents 38? Like when did they graduate high school? These are the youngest looking hometown parents of all time and I'm concerned. Is Colton a fetus? Did anyone check his birth certificate? Colton and his mom talk about his virginity since they’re the same age and best friends. I’m pretty sure Colton’s mom is drinking Mountain Dew.
BECCA’S GIRLFRIEND HANG ie A MANUFACTURED MEETING WITH TIA
Tia’s acting here is pretty good, lots of uncomfortable mouth twitching when Becca describes all her boyfriends. Tia and Becca go to the balcony to hash things out and after Tia says I still have feelings for Colton, how did Becca not respond "ohmigod did you know he's a virgin??" and then Tia's like "wha!?!??!!?" and Becca's like "I know!!!!" and Tia's like "This explains soooooo much about that one date we went on!" and then they giggle forever, drink rose, and braid each other's hair.
Instead we get pensive shots of Becca like she's really upset. PUHLEASE. I don't feel bad for you, you have THREE other boyfriends. Throw Tia a bone. LITERALLY.
WHAT IS BLAKE’S OUTFIT.
all black w a red bow tie? what in the damn hell?
WHAT IS GARRET’S OUTFIT.
an all black ensemble? is he an usher at The Cher Show?
WHAT IS COLTON’S OUTFIT?
a bright blue suit with a black t shirt? Is he a singer from Boyz II Men?
WHAT IS JASON’S OUTFIT.
Is he a used car salesman?
Colton’s not sure if he has to dick down Becca at the fantasy suite so he asks Chris Harrison.
GOODBYE FOREVER COLTON. OR UNTIL PARADISE.