SNOOZE YAWN GOODNIGHT (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
All my friends are telling me how they stopped watching this season of The Bachelorette because Becca is SOOOO BORING. Up until this point I honestly didn't find her all that boring. I actually liked watching her approach problems, drama, and inconsistencies reasonably because I'm a reasonable person. Wasn't it sort of a breath of fresh air to have a Bachelorette note red flags and ask the questions you yourself would ask when your Bumble-date tells you about his skincare routine or his anger issues?
I love being reasonable.
When you're reasonable, not much ruffles your feathers because you're calm and approach problems methodically and know that most things blow over with a little time. You believe RuPaul when he says life is just an illusion and you opt out of drama rather than stir the pot. You may delight when other people make poor choices, but you usually choose a safer route, even if it's less fun, because you're reasonable and reasonable people like things a little placid. I love being reasonable! Being reasonable is an awesome quality for improving your quality of life and being a productive, meaningful member of society. IT IS NOT AN AWESOME QUALITY FOR THE LEAD OF A REALITY TV DATING SHOW.
This is the week where Bex and the producers really started to lose me. It was that hour of a 3:1 date where we were asked to believe that any of these people care about each other at all. Who is Jason? I don't even know this dude's name other than I remember a few episodes ago I noted he looks like Mike Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, an assertion I stand behind. Who is Wills? A guy who thinks he's falling in love with Becca? WHAT. You had one date with her and she was hung up on other dudes, brah. Who is Leo? Other than a poor-man's John Stamos and a dude that was sorta good at dodgeball?
Watching her make out with Jason, a dude she clearly doesn't like all that much, had me so uncomfortable and exhausted I started scrolling wallpaper samples on Etsy and thinking about how much I loved Katelyn for boning Nick
and for making Shawn get naked during mini golf.
I mean the craziest shit Becca does is wear stacked purple heels on a boat.
Becca comes to collect Colton the Virgin for a date and the expression on Garrett the Racist's face is PRICELESS. It was like he was stifling a fart while smelling a fart. Colton and Becca hop on a boat and immediately Titanic at the helm because of course they did. The rest of this date is all about dat conch and it's a real fucking nightmare of pun and innuendo, worsened by the fact that the producers encourage Becca to go on and on about Colton's hot bod and how she wants to bone him while we're sitting at home knowing he's a 26 year old virgin and great, now Becca looks like a real creep who can't respect boundaries.
A Bahamian dude rolls up on a boat and mounts their boat all I'M THE CAPTAIN NOW. He tells them that conch is Bahamian Viagra and we’re all embarrassed for Colton the Virgin because maybe his dick is for Jesus WE DON’T KNOW. Becca says she’s really impressed with Colton and that he knows how "to work that conch." And then they eat the really gross pistol thing for Colton’s dick. Then I'M THE CAPTAIN NOW makes them a conch salad, not a metaphor, and I'm all conch'ed out.
At dinner it's time for the big reveal! Colton says he spent a lot of time working on Football Colton and not Personal Colton. He stutters out, I am a virgin and she’s like “Really?” but she keeps a really straight face. He says he’s proud of it and she’s like thanks for telling me. Lol. Then she excuses herself from the table to call Tia. LOL JK but she does do some heavy sighing on a balcony.
When she returns she asks the most reasonable question ever: Why didn't you bone your ex girlfriend? And we all know this is the Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman so we're like at the edge of our seats but the answer is "fehsdjfhskdljh." At least that's what I heard. And then 26 year old Colton is like, my virginity is a gift I want to give someone and I jumped into the sea.
COLTON GETS THE ROSE.
Back at the hotel there's a knock at the door. Who could it be? It's this accent table!
Garrett gets the 1:1 and Blake cries and pouts.
Ladies, not every single one of us has to be Ruth Bader Ginsburg but we also don't have to fucking mount a man as a greeting.
They’re gonna go on a seaplane and his mind is blown. Garrett says their relationship is “taking off.” They make out in swimsuits on a swing. They make out in the ocean. Basically all they do is make out and I’m worried I'm gonna accidentally catch a glimpse of his awkward swimsuit boner when he walks out of the sea.
At dinner Garrett says he doesn’t let things get him down. This must explain his “fuck those Parkland kids” Insta-attitude. Becca wants to know more dirt about his ex. He’s like, she’s screaming and yelling and hot headed. WHERE IS THIS BITCH ON TWITTER I MUST MEET HER RIGHT NOW.
He drops the I’m falling in love with you and she’s like baby voice you made my night and she’s very smiley. She’s super excited to meet his family and I AM TOO. WILL THEY BE WEARING MAGA HATS.
Becca strips off her jumpsuit right after dinner and I gasped. Oh, apparently she had a swimsuit on under there and they're going back into the ocean to make out more.
GARRETT GETS THE ROSE.
Blake's been losing his goddamn mind all episode because HE LOOOOOOOVES BECCA and like why isn't she paying any attention to him??? So they go to a concert and Blake's white dude dancing is just a messy embarrassment and I applaud the producers for that, it definitely cheered me up.
TIME TO MAKE OUT ON THE BEACH.
Blake’s like what’s your connection with other guys cause I’m pouting. And she’s like, I sympathize with Arie because it’s hard to care about all these dudes and he’s like bye I'm gonna jump into the ocean now and never come out.
Over dinner Blake reveals all his parents' dirty laundry and I'm like, wow, I've definitely reached an age where I find this totally inappropriate! Don't go on national TV and talk about your mother, Blake! Blake’s parents are divorced so he’s wounded. His mom was boning his basketball couch and English teacher and he seems real confused about it, like he hasn't worked this out mentally or emotionally at all. He’s sweet. But naïve.
He says falling in love is fun but staying in love is more fun. HAHAHAHAHHA HE’S SO STUPID. Then he’s like, I’m in love with you and I’m so conflicted because he’s like a dumb puppy but I might marry him myself.
BLAKE GETS THE ROSE.
Leo’s got a real floppy top knot as he explains to us the seriousness of this date. THREE MEN GO TO THE BEACH, ONLY ONE RETURNS. Then Leo tells us he can't offer Becca a nice house or an easy lifestyle, but he can offer her love. BWAHAAHAHAHA. Becca has enough sense to be like, thanks but hard pass, and sends his ass home.
I don’t really want to go on the rest of this date. The stakes are SO LOW. COULD NOT BE ANY LOWER.
BLAH BLAH Jason feels so strongly and he’s so confident blah blah.
Wills gives a speech and I can barely pay attention because it’s the 392340932840 speech of its ilk tonight.
Becca gives Jason the rose and poor Wills cries. I'm crushed because I was hoping for some manufactured drama like she gives no one the rose because who really wants to go on an extra flight and meet the mother of a dude you don't care about?? But apparently we're gonna meet the Damones anyway. LEMME SEE THOSE HOMETOWN PREVIEWS. Remember when Jojo’s mom was drunk and drinking straight out of the bottle till her husband took it away? Remember DEAN'S DAD??
HOMETOWNS ARE THE BEST.
Except these look boring as hell! How the hell are we going to make it to the end? If Garrett and Blake don't fistfight, it will just be hours and hours of deep sighs on balconies and pageant dresses. DAMN YOU, CHRIS HARRISON.