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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

LET'S HAVE A KIKI (RHONY RECAP)

LET'S HAVE A KIKI (RHONY RECAP)

Girl.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to get the image of LuAnn being manhandled by that cop! YOU GUYS. LOL. The Countess threatened a cop. Nah, Momma, money can't buy you class, but apparently it can buy you a whole mess of white privilege and a couple warehouses FULL of idiotic choices. What in the world was she doing in Palm Beach? ALSO? What in the world was she doing at the very hotel where she and Tom had a wedding brunch a year ago? AND? HOW IN THE NAME OF KELLY BENSIMON ... did she get out of her handcuffs? Imma have to get me a prayer circle so I can add her name to our prayer list.

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WHAT A MESS.

These girls don't have a prayer circle either, so they do the next best thing ... TIME FOR A GOSSIP SESH!

Bethenny is on her wait to the airport and she is epic monologuing her driver about LuAnn ... who is apparently in a 21 day program. PROGRAM. LOL. What's with this polite coded language. She's in rehab, my dudes. B is shocked, she's sad, OMG THE YEAR LU HAS HAD OMG. This poor driver. Is he Bethenny's only friend now?

Dorinda broke her foot by dropping a crystal salt grinder on it (WHAT IS HER LIFE ... a crystal salt grinder???). It turned her foot BLACK but that doesn't stop her from gossiping with Ramona. They review the Lu situation. They're shocked, they're sad, OMG THE YEAR LU HAS HAD. Ramona was in Palm Beach at the same time as Lu and she even ran into Tom A FEW TIMES. REALLY? Why didn't she stab that MF in the eyeballs? They move on to chatting about Bethenny because, well, Ramona. Dorinda is still a little miffed with Bethenny and her non-response to the nutcracker. She thought she and Bethenny were in a good place, until Bethenny didn't thank her for the gift. Ramona ... BWAHAHAHAHA ... she knows she and Bethenny are not in a good place, she just likes to talk to anyone who will listen about Evil Bethenny Frankel. You saw that epic phone call while her dog poor little dog tried to pee on the street ... Ramona is out for blood with this one and won't stop reminding people that Beth is El Diablo.

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Tinsley, OMG REMEMBER HER, was also in Palm Beach when Lu was there. She and Carole giggle about the whole thing over the phone. They're shocked, they're sad, OMG THE YEAR LU HAS HAD. Tins was just a few blocks away when the whole thing went down, but she didn't realize all the drama she saw was Lu. These two. I can't decide how I feel. Are they mean girls or nah? I might not actually care, I enjoy them.

But ... everything can't be about the Countess ALL THE TIME you guys ... so ... meanwhile back at The Townhouse ... Sonja is laid up in her bed surrounded by all her things. We've got bills, 10 pairs of reading glasses, a phone, lingerie ... a bowl of soup. The contractor is working on her place so there are plastic sheets hanging everywhere ... like her bed is completely covered/surrounded by plastic ... It looks like that scene in E.T when everyone puts on space suits and covers the house in a plastic bubble ... YEAH GIRL ... IT'S HIGH DRAMA ... just like you'd expect. She's allergic to dust, don't you know. She can't be hanging out here, and soon she'll be staying with Tinsley.

Nope. You read that right. TINSLEY AND SONJA: TOGETHER AGAIN.

Yeah. Now would be a real good time for that prayer circle.

ANYWHO ... Most of the girls are going to a Skinny Girl thing Bethenny is hosting. Well, everyone except for LuAnn, OBVI and Carole who is on vacay in California. Bethenny's back in her car with her driver and she's chatting him up again. This poor dude, I hope she pays him to be her therapist. He's real good at his job though. He's carting her around AND making noises and asking questions at all the right times. We discover B has reached out to Carole and it didn't go well ... so that drama is still happening. Bethenny is also aware of her nutcracker drama with Dorinda.

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AGAIN THO ... everything can't be about this petty gossipy shit so PRAISE THE LORD ... we have Sonja to break it all up for us. Ms. Morgan drifts into the Skinny Girl party looking like an extra from Dr. Zhivago wearing a fur hat and asks the bartender for an olive.

YES. BITCH. A single olive. I DIDNT STUTTER.

Lord.

Sonja is sure to tell him she’s only eating vegetables and there’s construction on her house and so there’s no food at her place. 'Cause, you know, bartenders love that shit. ALSO? She’s vegan now? Girlfriend is clearly starving. LIKE FOR REAL. She runs from her olive snack over to a cocktail server and starts stealing the garnishes from his drink tray. I don't know why she couldn't pick up Chipotle on the way to this party, BUT OK. This poor little dude (who is clearly delighted to be on TV) offers to get her falafel from the kitchen. Sonja gets REAL EXCITED about this and begs for them, but also apologizes because they’re gonna give her gas.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE ...

Sonja rounds a corner and sees a raw bar full of clams and oysters and lobster and EVERYTHING EVER (Hi. Bethenny does not mess around with food at her events). She grabs a plate and starts going to town … and tells us … she’s vegan, but she allows herself to have shellfish because they’re raw. YOU GUYS. She even grabs a piece of seaweed garnish and puts it on her plate to eat, because, you know: VEGAN.

I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

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 LALALA ... back at the BETHENNY SHOW ... B talks to the crowd about how excited she is about all the women who are helping her with growing the brand and pulls a bunch of them up on stage. She goes on and on about the product they're launching, but there is one problem.  This is the launch of her Skinny Girl Jeans ... but she never really says that's what's happening? Yeah. I know. It says jeans EVERYWHERE ... but she doesn't? It's weird.... what's that about?

All the ladies are together and there's MORE LUANN TALK. We hear AGAIN how Lu went to Palm Beach to prove she's OK with all the drama she's had in the last year and that she's strong. BUT. DUDES. She stayed in the hotel where she had her wedding brunch, she partied on the boat where she got engaged. We keep getting new details of how desperate and terrible this Palm Beach trip was ... no wonder she cracked. If this happened to me, I'd threaten a cop too.

I've been real hard on Bethenny the last couple of episodes because she's A LOT. BUTTTTT. My favorite thing about her, which is maybe THE BEST THING about her, is that she's got no time for dodging an issue. She cuts right to the heart of whatever is happening. She goes up to Dorinda and asks if she's mad at her. They hash out the whole nutcracker drama. D was hurt in the moment, but she got over it. There is some entertaining back and forth AND YOU KNOW Bethenny had to drag some old junk out to hurt Dorinda (OMGAH WHY DID SHE BRING UP DRUNK DORINDA IN PUERTO RICO WHAT AN ASSHOLE), but they get past it all and hug it out in the end.

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Apparently Bethenny has been watching Iyanla because she is fixing her life left and right in this episode ... the next day she meets Carole for lunch. She arrives, like always, wearing a giant muppet. What is the deal with this?! LOL. I guess the coat is cute but like ... STOP KILLING MUPPETS IT'S SO MEAN.

Bethenny, as you know, has no time to waste so she gets right to it with Carole. Again, I love this about her. She's difficult AF, but she wants to move past it. Carole runs through her side of what happened … which … you already know … she didn’t know about any Adam drama, she donated to the charity etc etc etc. Something must have happened to B over the holidays because she admits she was too aggressive about Adam and said really nasty stuff, and regrets it.

What really bothers Carole is how Bethenny interpreted Adam's actions in a negative light and didn't talk to her about it ... she gossiped about it to everyone else. Here too there is a bit of back and forth, because you know Bethenny ain't gonna take a conversation lying down. It looks like maybe they work through everything? Maybe? They end up hugging it out. I'm nervous about this one though ... Carole is clearly changed by the whole thing. I'm wondering if this is going to come back to haunt us. PLEASE LORD let this stick. I can't have them fighting. I love them. Their fighting was too much for me.

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HAD TOO MUCH DRAMA? Well, You're in luck. Sonja is back. She arrives at Tinsley's place ... LOL ... Tinsley's HOTEL ROOM. Let's hope this time is better than the last time they were locked into a confined space together. Tinsley sets the rules for staying with her which are ... THERE ARE NO RULES.

Then? Tins surprises Sonja with her very own penthouse suite. It's a giant room with an upstairs, AND T has also gifted Sonja with a Louis Vuitton overnight bag full of supplies. Sonja runs around the suite like a kid in a candy store. She's so excited and happy. It's fun to watch. So, this is it, we've come full circle.

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Then we end with Dorinda hobbling around Central Park with this ridiculous boot on her foot. Am I really supposed to believe she's going to walk around the park like this? Not only is she walking through the park, she casually sits on a bench LOLOLOL THIS TOO WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. While she's there? LuAnn calls. Yeah complete coincidence. They talk about Palm Beach, the bad year, the bad choices etc etc etc. Lu has got to get it together and come back.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S DRAG RACE

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S DRAG RACE

A MOTHER'S LOVE (HANDMAID'S TALE RECAP)

A MOTHER'S LOVE (HANDMAID'S TALE RECAP)