SO MUCH WATER BUT NOT A DROP TO DRINK (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
Tonight Becca gets up close and personal with emotional labor. Invisible labor. The second shift. Whatever you want to call it, Becca's got it in spades as she's forced to Mother Hen her group of dummies along the Bachelorette journey to everlasting love. Throughout two group dates, a one on one, and a cocktail party she checks on their moods, helps them resolve conflicts, and is forced to speak to them like a soothing kindergarten teacher:
"I want them to use their time wisely," Becca says, a friendly admonishment I know my 9 year old hears at school ALL THE TIME.
"I want you to respect the other boys, Conner, or I’m going to have to send you home."
“How was that?” she asks Blake.
“It was fun.”
“Good," she pats his hand like a grandmother.
Becca rubs circles on Lincoln's back after his team trophy was ruined by the class bully and says he should "take some deep breaths."
I'm just sitting here like, doesn't our girl Becca deserve better than this? Or this is just what it means to deal with men in America? They're gonna flail around until you sit down and hold them to your bosom? YE GADS I'M ALREADY EXHAUSTED. I mean, and like SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED TO ONE OF THESE FOOLS. Her entire narrative is about how she was jilted and how ready for marriage she is and I'm a little like, maybe you want to slow your roll and rethink that, one of these dudes collects cologne for a job or something.
But it's time for Becca to go on her first date since Arie. She’s scared, obviously, but could it really end up any worse than last season? I suppose accidentally getting engaged to a Trump supporter on reality tv is maybe worse but only time will tell! The guys wait for the date card and assess their competition. The male model is still very gay. Lincoln’s already getting a lot of screen time as our sensitive villain. That guy from the band Extreme lurks in the background stroking his mane.
GROUP DATE #1
Becca says she's gonna pamper the guys and has them put on tuxedos in front of her, I guess because last season on her first date with Arie he grossly had her dress up like a Minnesotan Cinderella and prance around in front of him, you betcha. It was gross. This is also gross, but like in a different way. Like where dudes are obsessed with their own bodies and like flexing their biceps at you while spewing protein farts and trying to get their shirts on. Lincoln in particular seems to "struggle" with putting on his shirt for an extraordinarily long time, all nipples nipples nipples abs abs abs.
The model makes a big deal of showing everyone how to strut in a tuxedo, which is hilarious because let's be honest, these dudes will not be attending any fundraising galas, receiving any prestigious awards, or making any important speeches. These bros will need a tuxedo for one thing and one thing only: getting drunk at their frat brother's wedding in Naperville.
But through this demonstration we get this moment:
And then she laughs and laughs and it's 5 points for Becca. The model says no one is more comfortable in clothes than him, IT IS HIS JOB. I beg to differ motherfucker. I'm in some old ass sweat pants right the fuck now, no bra, and a raggedy t-shirt and I'm comfortable as fuck and writing this here recap LIKE IT'S MY JOB. I also have some crumbs from a Ritz cracker down my shirt. BAM.
And then he gives her a lecture about confidence and it's just like, haven't men done enough, when can I move to that planet at the beginning of Wonder Woman with my Queen Robin Wright?
Rachel and Bryan show up to prove that the Bachelorette journey works and introduce an obstacle course, because relationships and obstacle courses are both fun and messy! The obstacle course has wedding themed named obstacles and like, I don’t care about puns. Brian says at the cake tasting station they can’t use their hands to find a hidden ring and Rachel says, we don’t care about hands, it’s about WHAT DAT MOUF DO and damn when did Bachelor Nation get so woke? Cunnilingus for everybody!
Watching these dudes fall over with balls attached to their legs thrills me. They’re in ice water, and they're cold! Brrr! Lincoln explains his strategy: “Win. Win. Win. Win. Win. Win. Win. Win. Win. Win.” It appears Lincoln uses his hands to get his ring out of the cake (so I guess we have all the information we need there, amirite?) and he knocks some dude named David over on the slip and slide. Everybody thinks he cheated. And you know the bros will #neverforget.
Time for the “Can I Steal You Away” portion of the night. I’m confused by Becca’s hardcore pageant look. Usually she’s pretty tasteful but this red lacy jumpsuit is A LOT. Especially with the sleek hair and red lips, I’m like, I don’t think the 90s are back this hard, girlfriend. Jordan complains that Lincoln takes her off because this is a group date. Has he never seen this show?
During their time together Becca asks Lincoln: “You said a lot today that I bring out the best in you. What do you think it is that brings out the best in you?”
He spins like, oh, let me find some other clichés to give you, because obviously I don’t know you well enough to bring shit out of me other than a hard on for TV fame. She gifts him their wedding photo. Yeah uh, ok. It’s a cute picture. He acts as if he was just given a Maserati. She lets him kiss her. He says kissing Becca is like "flying to the moon on the wings of a Pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold." That's literally what he said. This fucking guy.
Lincoln displays his wedding photo for all the guys who hate him. Lincoln talks to his photograph and has it kissing his face. Of course the men think this is DISRESPECTFUL. They all argue about it. YAWN, MEN. Some dude throws the picture in the pool. I hope the producers orchestrated these dramatics and these idiots didn’t come up with this on their own accord because I’m just like, TRUMP IS PRESIDENT YOU FUCKING FOOLS GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE.
Lincoln bemoans how much the picture meant to him. “The picture is broken, my heart is broken. I don’t deserve this,” he says. For a second I think I’m watching Rock of Love. Or Flavor of Love. Hahahhaha. Like the producers might want to tell this fool to tone it down a bit, he’s a fucking cartoon.
Lincoln lurks in a stairwell to tattle on the boys. The way that Lincoln explains the situation and Becca’s reaction has me thinking about how my son’s third grade teacher resolves problems. Asking probing questions when the story makes zero sense and the tattler is taking zero responsibility. Lincoln says he feels threatened physically. Someone call the paramedics because I’ve fallen over dead! WELCOME TO THE SECOND SHIFT BECCA.
Connor, the picture thrower, has to explain himself to Becca and she asks, “Have you ever reacted this strongly in the past?” I mean, with her questions she seems smart and like she understands psychology but then she helps Conner onto the path of playing well with others and I'm like, I would have NO TIME for this shit. Conner says, “There’s no way I’m going to get the rose,” and it’s the most accurate moment of self reflection he’s ever had in his life. Reality TV ain’t working out the way you thought, eh, Conner? Thought you’d throw that picture in the pool and be a star? LOL, WELCOME TO HELL.
Jean Blanc tells Becca she’s his missing puzzle piece. LOL you met this bitch for one minute. Tell her about your cologne collection and see what happens.
JEAN BLANC GETS THE ROSE.
It’s the next day and THEY’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT THE PHOTO. Lincoln is really trying to work up a tear while he talks to the dudes. He says the photo was like a trophy to him and DEAR GOD FINALLY SOME FUCKING TRUTH. Then he cries.
I’m mad at Lincoln for making the male model seem sane.
Brendan Fraiser’s body double Blake is going on this one on one while wearing your dad’s sweater. They’re gonna go to a rage room and smash some shit of Arie. Goddamn I want to be a Bachelor producer and just pitch wacky ass shit and have people be like, YASSSSSSSS, not only a rage room, but a rage room that plays out your broken relationship! The producers even brought the couch that Arie dumped Becca on. Suddenly Lil Jon pops out of a garbage can and hugs Becca for too long. Lil Jon screams into a mic while she hits a car and we’re treated to a music video of slow mo shots of Becca hitting shit. Honestly, Becca fucking loves the rage room.
Blake and Becca go to dinner in some sort of overwrought room where they pretend to eat on a pedestal. Blake looks like a little boy in an overgrown giant body. I’m sorta into it tho. But then he says “like” five times in one sentence and recounts his last relationship for us -- he got dumped on a Tuesday, his girlfriend was in the bathroom, but he’s capable of loving and he’s not scared of being vulnerable. Lol. Becca thinks Blake wants to get to know her for her. He does seem sweet. He thinks tonight is the beginning of their love story and they make out against a wall.
GROUP DATE #2
Instagram Racist Garrett describes what the date card says like he has to think real hard about it. “love….it comes at you….hard….and….fast.” I wonder if he knows how to spell any of these words.
They head to a school where child actors run them through some dodgeball drills. These kids are the best. When one dude fails to catch a ball the kid yells, “TRASH!!!! YOU THINK BECCA WANTS TRASH???” and I’ve found my spirit animal.
They head to an “arena” in a “strip mall” to have a bachelorette dodgeball championship. The boyz are wearing neon outfits like they’re extras in a TLC video. Leo spends a lot of time trying to secure his hair. He can’t see shit as his locks swing all around, lol. Between his outfit and hair, this is a true Extreme / Andre from the Real World moment.
“Winning doesn’t come from bicep pulls and tricep extensions,” Leo educates us, “It comes from your heart.” Then Leo takes a ball to the ass and loses it for the pink team.
At the after party some dude named Alex says Becca’s got her shit together and that he doesn’t normally go up to girls with their shit together. Finally, someone with a healthy and accurate self image. I applaud you, Alex.
Becca checks in on Instagram Racist Garrett to make sure he wasn’t upset about receiving the first impression rose and then having to go on a group date. EMOTIONAL LABOR. He says she’s the girl version of him and I am hoping Becca doesn’t have a MAGA hat at home.
Some dude in a silk floral bomber jacket sort of pounces on Becca's face to make out with her with his legs all manspreaded across the couch and I’m so uncomfortable.
Colton is full of all sorts of secrets. He wants to tell Becca he dated Tia who is one of Becca’s close friends. Also, according to the internet he also dated an Olympic gymnast. Colton gets around, mmkay! She doesn’t love this "I dated Tia" info. When’s he going to drop his "I’m a virgin" bomb?
SILK BOMBER JACKET GETS THE ROSE.
Becca has worn SO MANY SEQUINS this episode, but this blue cocktail party dress is a real stunner. She looks gorgeous. And also like a Chrismukah ornament.
Clay makes her go outside in her gown and heels and play football. So selfish. Did the Venmo guy just read a poem? The dude who threw Lincoln’s photo in the pool has her throw his photo into the pool. Hardee-har-har he’s a changed man. The male model wants to make an impression so he takes all his clothes off. He's a little light in the loafers if you know what I'm saying. He struts around the pool in his Andrew Christians and walks up to Becca and she laughs and laughs and laughs -- just the impression you want to make when you roll up to your beloved in your undies. He sits down and talks about himself endlessly. What a nightmare. “I just want to come here and be me," he says. "And talk about having a mini me or something.” DEAR GOD.
She finally gets him away from her and he announces to the men that he’s MULTI DIMENSIONAL. Some nerdy dude is going to confront him for walking around in his underwear and I’m too tired to go on. Then the two dudes have a really hard time saying “ingenuinity” which they think is a real world, which it is not, and continue to correct each other on the pronunciation of this made up word. Jesus fucking Christ.
Becca sheds a tear over Colton because he dated Tia. It seems like an over-reaction since there are like 24 other d-bags right there to go out with.
Goodbye to some dudes I do not know.