heauxs.jpeg

Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

DEJA LU (RHONY RECAP)

DEJA LU (RHONY RECAP)

If you’re curious about the events of this week’s episode of RHONY, look no further than last week’s recap which was basically the same episode except this week’s was slower with no reference to Slob Kabob anywhere. It really let me down. And America down. And that’s saying a lot because we live in a tire fire in the seventh ring of hell where the only movie available is Kangaroo Jack and it plays on repeat 24/7.

We begin our episode at the Mayflower Inn and Spa where Luann continues to reintegrate into high society after an embarrassing arrest and stint in rehab. The ladies open their day with yoga where they practice calming mantras like “Ramona, you instagrammed a picture of all the women out at dinner last night and people will think Luann, who is facing four felony convictions for harassing a cop, is out partying, you dummy,” and also “Om”. Ramona really has no idea why posting a pic of Luann out for dinner could be damaging because everyone looks so pretty in the picture. Ramona has the logic of a McNugget. No offense, McNuggets.

Later, Bethenny tells Dorinda she doesn’t “feel safe” around her which may explain her defensiveness or aggressiveness towards her. Dorinda just feels like Bethenny doesn’t want to engage with the group, and Dorinda exclaims she engages with everything, everything, ya hear, including this coked-out pile of mashed potatoes.

JohnGif.gif

Speaking of engagement, the women head out to dinner and Bethenny asks Tinsley if she is secretly engaged because she heard Tinsley was trying on wedding dresses a few weeks ago with her mom. Tinsley explains it was just for fun and all the women agree they are way too superstitious to try on wedding dresses for fun. Which is like saying you’re health conscious while lying in a tanning bed as you shovel raw sewage into your mouth. Most of theses women have been married multiple times and boinked half of New York so quaint old wives tales about nuptials should be discarded, just like the extra layer of skin Ramona lasers off once a year. Bethenny jokes that trying on wedding dresses without being engaged is the equivalent of trying out coffins. This triggers some visceral pain in Tinsley and she starts shrieking about how mean this is and then Bethenny starts shrieking back and all I hear is a chorus of animals in heat who are full of vodka and antidepressants.

hyenas.gif

Meanwhile Dorinda is still upset that Sonja Morgan wears the Morgan crest and uses the Morgan name since she divorced her Morgan husband long ago. To Dorinda, only people whose marriages end due to the tragic death of a spouse can deign to wear a family crest, and Dorinda doesn’t even do this. And then Sonja starts shrieking at a dog-whistle level and they almost come to blows screaming “Family. Family. Family”. I’ve never seen The Godfather Part III but I imagine it’s a lot like this.

They calm down, Dorinda apologizes, Bethenny calls her out for a fake apology and then Bethenny and Dorinda shriek for a bit and all balance is restored in the world.

Luann then accuses Ramona of insensitive intagramming and general cruelty because Ramona still hangs out with Lu’s ex, Tom. Though it takes a while, Ramona also offers up a fake apology and fake tears. She then tries to evade responsibility by claiming she’s adept at business and inept socially. LuAnn ain’t having it. And frankly, neither am I. This was a snoozer of an episode and the only thing keeping me going is the midseason preview for the disastrous RHONY trip to Columbia where the women almost die on a boat. I am LIVING for that.

boat.jpg
  BABY, OPRAH, SHOTGUN, WOLF (HANDMAID'S TALE RECAP)

BABY, OPRAH, SHOTGUN, WOLF (HANDMAID'S TALE RECAP)

READ FOR FILTH: THE HOUSE OF IMPOSSIBLE BEAUTIES

READ FOR FILTH: THE HOUSE OF IMPOSSIBLE BEAUTIES