MIDWESTERN HOSPITALITY (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
The only person more exhausted by dating than me is our girl Becca. When Chris was losing his damn mind and fighting with Wills about who was going to get to talk to her for "two minutes," Becca just sat there silently, evaluating all of the life choices that brought her to this excruciating moment. SAME, GIRL, SAME. When Wayne Newton showed up and held her hand for too long, she looked wildly about, screaming internally, are they going to make me date him too???!?!??!?! When Jordan and David, two men put on television exclusively to fight over her, spent the entire time fighting with each other -- over what exactly? -- her hair looked great, but her will to live was so beaten down that all that was left was some good ol' Midwestern hospitality.
Lord. I'm worried about our girl and couldn't help but wonder, is any man worth all this effort?
We open in Las Vegas. Becca's wearing skin tight pleather leggings, and just the sight of those leggings makes the Bellagio fountain erupt prematurely. She is surprised. I hope this isn’t a metaphor. I ask myself, who will be the first bro to yell VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS and that would be Chris. A man oozing frat boy "charm," teeth, and over confidence. He says Vegas is the perfect place to show Becca another side of him. Will this be his hungover and farting side? I can't wait to find out!
Blake says Becca is his "lady luck" and is quickly ashamed of himself and I'm charmed. #TeamBlake.
Our little fame whore, Colton, gets the first 1:1 and is driven off into the desert to be killed. I mean, ride camels with Becca. Obviously. Becca mounts him while wearing tiny overalls and then she mounts the camel. She's so skinny that the camera between her knees and directed at her face only gives us elegant shots of collarbones and jaw. Gross. They have a hard time holding hands ACROSS TWO MASSIVE FUCKINGCAMELS and Colton is “frustrated.”
Colton and Becca get in a hot tub to talk about Tia. THE ROMANCE! He says Becca deserves a great week and she is so excited by this bland sentiment that she mounts him again. At dinner he tells her Love = Pain and she's all <wide eyed sad scared nervous horny emoji> and I'm like, jesus christ.
COLTON GETS THE ROSE.
The boys are taken by Hummer to the estate of one preserved-in-wax Wayne Newton. They're like who? Seriously Bachelorette producers, you couldn't get Celine Dion? Wayne gallops up on a horse and I don't know how any of these people are keeping a straight face, especially Wayne. Seriously -- what the hell has he done to it? His upper lip is both swollen, oddly colored, and immobile. The only thing that moves on his face are his eyes, like a creepy doll in a Saw movie. And dear god, don't get me started on his wife and their make out.
Anyway, at Wayne Newton's house the boys are going to write songs for Becca and perform them later "in front of a live Vegas audience." I mean if they were going to perform in Vegas, obviously it should've happened at Magic Mike, which I still contend was a musical. I can't help but feel personally hurt and attacked by the Bachelorette producers. Obviously I came here to see these boys taken to the Magic Mike theater, taught some shirtless choreography, and then writhe around and hump the floor while I feel vaguely bad about myself. THAT'S WHY I COME HERE, FUCK OFF WAYNE NEWTON.
Instead the boys lurch around the stage and sing terribly while Becca smiles and cheers like the good girl that she is.
Becca and Garrett hang out at the after party and they're like mumblemouths in love, I have no idea what they’re saying other than like “you didn’t forget about me” “ I can’t stop” “I don’t want you to stop” “smiles!” Blake drops the “I’m falling in love with you bomb” which feels a little soon but they make out anyway, and like i said, I'm #TeamBlake so I'm ok with it. Chris sits back and doesn't pursue his woman because he's a privileged asshole and no one's gonna make him bend over backwards, SHE NEEDS TO SHOW HIM, MMMMKAY. Good luck with that.
BLAKE GETS THE ROSE.
JORDAN / DAVID 2:1 and NO ONE CARES
This is so silly because we know these guys don’t care about Becca and she doesn’t care about them. GIVE ME KRYSTAL OR GIVE ME DEATH.
Dear god, send both of these idiots home.
The guys are fighting, who cares, little bitch this, little bitch that. There’s a whole convo about “settling." Jordan says, direct quote, “Your voice is so nasally. You’ve been a bitch ass. Love is the greatest power on Earth. Being me is my greatest power. Being you isn’t your greatest power," and Becca sends David, the man who fought not only a bunk bed but also a floor for her, home.
David is left in the desert to die. Unfortunately this date with Jordan continues.
Jordan takes this dinner as the perfect opportunity to really get to know Becca by telling her all about himself. He tells her he spends his free time at the gym and working on his skincare and hair and that Zoolander is a documentary basically. He runs through some facial gymnastics for her and then is like “I wish I could get my portfolio out for you!” This is the most entertaining dinner conversation ever on the bachelorette ever. Jordan is like the only one who doesn't get how awesome and hilarious it is. TELL ME MORE, JORDAN. This is like what an actual date with a douche looks like. She finally dumps him, hurrah. He can’t believe he’s going home, he lists his qualities “I'm fit, I can walk, I can speak, I don’t know what she doesn’t like about me.”
OH MY GOD WHITE DUDES.
Does Becca own anything that isn’t shiny? She’s like a drag queen with all these sparkles.
Becca’s got to deal with Chris because does he want to be there or not????! He opens with “You owe me 50,000 kisses,” which is like ewwwwwwwwwww and she's like ewwwwwww and every woman everywhere is like, GAH-ROSS, I don't owe you shit, tooth-man. They start sort of fighting and she gets annoyed and sends him away and then Chris cries. Garrett the Racist gives a speech about wanting an emotionally stable partner for Becca, lol forever.
Then Chris comes back to talk to Becca but she's talking to Wills in a plaid suit and the boys fight over their toy while she sits there silently. UM GROW A PAIR BECCA WTF.
Chris goes to talk to Becca again and continues to meltdown. She adjusts her hair.
He continues to flail around. GIRL. SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. People go where they want to be, brah.
Becca gives Chris the rose and I'm choosing to believe it was straight up producer coercion because our sweet, lovely, kind, John who built Venmo is going home. Fine, John is boring TV. But I think he's gonna be an awesome partner, so dry those tears John, Becca wants a dude who plays intramural football and has a Delta Chi tattoo he DOES NOT REGRET and that ain't you cause you're perfect and never forget I was rooting for you.