SLOB KABAB: NOUN; A FADING NYC SOCIALITE (RHONY RECAP)
We’re two days post-rehab and Dorinda pays our newly sober Luann “Money can’t buy you class but it can buy you good legal representation” De Lesseps a visit. Though the Countess has been charged with four felonies, she’s feeling better than ever. Rehab was all yoga and therapy and spas and acupuncture and I’m convinced that I’d much rather spend next Thanksgiving in rehab than with my family and a dried-out bird.
Speaking of dried-out birds, Dorinda invites Luann to join the other housewives at the Mayflower Inn and Spa for a luxury retreat. Dorinda envisions this getaway as Luann’s reentry into society, like a debutante ball with more botox and despair.
Luann reveals to Dorinda that she heard Ramona was also in Palm Beach on the night of her arrest and was trying to score an invite to Tom’s New Year’s Eve party, on the VERY SAME BOAT where Luann and Tom celebrated their engagement. Dorinda refers to this behaviour as “Slob Kabob,” a term which I never won’t use every day for the rest of my life. “Pull up your pants, you Slob Kabob.” “Register to vote, ya big old Slob Kabob.” “Tinsley, when you and your mom cry over pictures of your frozen eggs, that’s pretty Slob Kabob.”
The other women are on their way to the the Mayflower and they are downright giddy at the prospect of interrogating Luann about her drunken arrest. Lucky for them, Luann spends most of the episode recounting that drunken night over and over and over. This episode is like Groundhog Day without the charm or humor of Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell. A real “Slob Kabob” of an episode.
On the drive to the spa, Luann details every minutiae of her arrest to Dorinda, including drinking too much, going into the wrong hotel room to hook up with a Polo player, scaring the maid, resisting arrest and ending the night in jail with guard tossing her a bologna sandwich. I think the real story here is that Luann bit into a bologna sandwich. I bet her next single will be “Bologna, c’est la vie.”
Bethenny and Sonja arrive at the Mayflower and Bethenny quibbles with Dorinda about waiting until all the women arrive to choose rooms. These two are totally neurotic in really uncomplimentary ways and need to find a common enemy that can unite them. Bring back Kelly Killoren Bensimon, anyone?
Tinsley, Ramona, and Carole finally arrive and Luann recounts her long-ass arrest story again. Like true emotional vampires, with every sentence Luann utters about that dreadful night, the women seem to grow younger, firmer, happier, and richer. They are sustained by the suffering of a once-great, now washed-up, sad shell of a former Countess.
Then the ladies pick their rooms without excessive drama. THANK GOD. I cannot handle another season of Ramona hysterically trying to claim a perfect room like it’s the last spot on a lifeboat off of the Titanic.
Tinsley is upset because Luann’s arrest means her own mugshot is showing up again in Google’s search algorithm and she’s spent the past two years trying to ensure that searching for Tinsley will only result in pictures of pretty dresses and totally normal mother-daughter outings.
Funny, because Tinsley also spent the past two years talking about her mugshot, so don’t pee on our Louboutins and tell us it’s raining.
Ramona bursts into Luann’s room and makes proclamations about the importance of female friendship and loyalty while Luann quietly stews because she knows Ramona tried to score an invite to her ex’ New Year’s Eve party.
The ladies head out to dinner and Ramona proclaims that she has sex playlist, which includes music by Demi Lovato, which officially means Demi Lovato is now in the same category as Michael Bolton. Sixty-year old white women love them both! Luann finally confronts Ramona about trying to go to Tom’s NYE party and Ramona explains she was merely trying to help a friend who wanted to attend. Besides, she warned Luann about Tom’s philandering and didn’t receive an invite to their wedding so what does Luann care. Ramona holds onto grudges better than Inigo Montoya.
The other women are incredulous but Ramona shrugs and makes a joke, drinks some pinot and basically everyone is over it.
Back at the Inn, Sonja and Bethenny look like they’re readying themselves for The Purge or Weekend at Burnie’s. I can’t tell which. Maybe both?
The next morning, Dorinda harangues Sonja because she’s wearing the Morgan crest on her slippers and Dorinda wouldn’t wear her dead husband’s family crest so why should Sonja wear her divorced husband’s family crest? STAWWWP DORINDA. Dorinda really needs to let all this “my husband story is sadder than your husband story” shit go. It’s bad look. Just end it.
Meanwhile, Ramona posts of a instagram of the previous night’s dinner even though the judge told Luann to keep a low profile and this looks bad. To Ramona not posting a good picture is more criminal than anything Luann is dealing with so OF COURSE SHE HAD TO POST. Will this be the final nail in Ramona’s coffin? Stay tuned!!! But also, no, never. For some reason, everyone always forgives this sociopathic version of Lucille Ball, so why should this time be any different?