I CALL SHENANIGANS! (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
I hate to be a conspiracy theorist, but last night's episode was full of all sorts of unbelievable bullshit, hijinks, half-truths, and manipulated nonsense. Examples:
1. Jordan's Ass
Jordan is most certainly not a male model with dat flat ass:
Sorry to be all body shamey, but like, just no. I reject this ass. No real male model who has a close personal relationship to Jesus has an ass as flat as Nebraska. No, hunty, no. And here's our girl Becca, being paid to let this fool kiss her. What a world.
2. Clay's Exit
Nice guy Clay has gone home to tend to his wrist and provide for his family. I mean, I know professional athletes can get hurt, but this guy plays professional football and blows out his wrist on The Bachelorette? Seriously? Me thinks hijinks are involved. Or he's just real embarrassing.
3. David's Face
Sorta nice guy and former chicken David has returned from the hospital looking like this:
And. Just. I'm sorry, but I'm going to need more information. Was David drunk? Was he on Ambien? Did he take too much Melatonin? How the hell does a full grown adult just roll out of a bunk bed and destroy their face on the floor? The Bachelorette wants us to believe this is the most tragic event that has ever befallen anyone ever, while also giving us like zero believable details about it. One of his nostrils looks fully collapsed. He still wears his hospital bracelet as he sits down with Becca and gives a speech all herky jerky and almost crying and on drugs.
DAVID GETS THE ROSE.
4. David and Jordan's "feud"
They’re still really trying to play up this David / Jordan beef and literally no one cares because we know they're both idiots. Jordan bitches about David to Andre from the OG Real World: New York and he just stares off and says “yeah…” like he wants to die or reunite with Reigndance. Me too, brah.
5. The Most Exclusive Winter Wonderland
At the Rose Ceremony Becca says she sees her future here and I'm crying inside for all the women of the world and how little we will accept. Some dude is really proud of himself for wearing a track suit to the Rose Ceremony --so subversive, bro!-- and because Becca loves a dbag, she roses all over him. A dude with a manbun and some nondescript white dude go home and then she announces to her remaining flock that they’re going to the United State’s most exclusive winter wonderland! Park City, Utah! Wait, what? I'm telling you, these Bachelorette producers are expecting us to swallow a whole bunch of bullshit these days. Everyone knows the most exclusive winter wonderland in the US is ASPEN.
6. Lincoln the Flat Earther
I CANNOT EVEN. I am so ashamed that both Jeremy and I had Lincoln as a frontrunner on the first night. Accents will fuck you up every time, I cannot even tell you. He spouts some shit about the earth being flat and friction keeping us on the ground and I'm like, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE MOON OR A PICTURE OF JUPITER YOU FUCKING NUT? And also it like came out this week that he assaulted some woman on a harbor cruise? Like JFC I can't with this asshole. "My picture is broken like my heart is broken."
7. Garrett Doesn't Burst Into Flames When Faced with <<Lesbians>>
Becca mounts him next to a car. (I literally have never done this ever in my life, it's the most grossest.) They try on some alpaca hats and take some selfies. In Becca’s interviews she’s all googly eyed and smitten. She thinks he’s SO HOT. Everything's going great until...
And it takes everything he has not to whisper into Becca's ear, "b t dubs, marriage is between a man and a woman." Instead he hides his true feelings and says, “I’m on Cloud 10," which is code for "the place where Trump supporters go die."
8. Garrett's Ex Wife the Emotional Abuser
At dinner Becca and Garrett proclaim their love for each other. He says “I know your dad is not here anymore and that’s sad.” He has the emotional depth of a chipmunk. She asks about his past relationships. He was in love once. They went on a lot of adventures. They got divorced. He says “I think I got married to and fell in love with the wrong person.” LOL. That seems pretty obvious. But then he says his wife was emotionally abusive and she drove a wedge between him and his family and friends and squeezes out a tear. Becca's heart breaks that he had to go through that.
GIRL, I cannot wait for his ex wife to tweet some shit. Please gawd, do it.
GARRETT GETS A ROSE.
9. The Dudes Split Some Wood, Not a Metaphor
The boys put on some flannel shirts to run a lumberjack obstacle course. Some guy named John is having his moment climbing a pole, but then we never see him again.
10. You're Telling Me this is Not Mike Damone?
Some guy with greasy slicked back hair who is basically Mike Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High proclaims his love for Becca. He’s got a pocket square and a white v neck t shirt under a blazer and I wonder if she’s just sitting there thinking about his outfit while he kisses her with a sweaty upper lip.
11. Jean Blanc
Ok, if you want to tell me that Jean Blanc's implosion wasn't straight up producer manipulation, then I don't even know what to do with myself other than rip my hair out and scream.
Jean Blanc's spiral starts after he received the very last rose. Bro, it should've started at "cologneussier" or however you spell that made up shit. His special Becca time gets interrupted and he's flipping out in his head (i.e. the producers are like, TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL!!!) and so he goes to find her and proclaims his love and she's like, what the fuck, I just met you, you weirdo, and then she spends the next hour trying to get his ass in the van while he backpedals hard with a NEVERMIND JK DIDN'T MEAN IT JUST SAID IT BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO HEAR IT and she loses her goddamn mind, COULD THIS ALL BE A MANUFACTURED EXPERIENCE FOR TV????? she cries. DO THESE BOYS JUST WANT TO BE FAMOUS FOR THREE-ISH SECONDS.
Yes, girl, yes exactly.
12. Wills, the Sacrificial Lamb
Wills stumbles up the mountain to a "vulnerable" Becca. They sit by the fire on a mountain to talk about Becca’s feelings, as if either of them gives a shit about the other. He mumbles some stuff and they make out. It cheers her up enough for a snowball fight.
WILLS GETS A ROSE WHILE WEARING A SCARF LIKE HE’S MICHAEL BOLTON.
13. A Canceled Cocktail Party
This is the ultimate of all bachelor nation buffonery: Chris Harrison stopping by to announce the cancellation of the ever important cocktail party because the Bachelor(ette) "knows what they must do." Who cares?
Nick in the track suit and the Harlem Globetrotter are out, auf wiedersehen, see you in Paradise maybe?