THE PRETEND WEDDING OF THE CENTURY (RHONY RECAP)
This season of The Real Housewives of New York City is getting really really REAL, friends. Here we are knee deep in the middle of LuAnn's rehab moment when Bobby Zarin decides to die. I guess everybody has to die but couldn't he have like done it latter in the season? I'm working through my feelings for The Countess right now I don't have time for this. GAH. Dead people are totally the worst.
Who is Bobby? You know Bobby, he's Jill Zarin's husband OR ... maybe like me you don't really because you haven't watched the show from the beginning. This episode kicks off with Ramona, Dorinda, and Bethenny all going to Bobby's funeral.
SEE. VERY REAL. ALMOST TOOOOO TOOOOOOO REALLLL.
From what I can gather from all the flash backs we're forced to sit through is ... Jill had a falling out with both Ramona AND Bethenny but they've all worked to patch things up and boom just like magic we're all at this funeral together. Bravo is REALLY trying to make us all somber and have feelings and get respectful and shit because I guess dead folks deserve that, but Bethenny is at the funeral dressed like a goth pilgrim and ... I'm 5 so I've totally got the giggles. Ain't she got a gay friend? Just put on some black girl, this ain't a costume party and don't nobody want you runway read at a Shiva. Check those shoes though, you guys. OMG. AMAZE.
THOSE SHOES ASIDE ... It's a lot, dudes and all I have to say is THANK GOD FOR TINSLEY.
HA! Bet you never thought I'd say that. We're in T's apartment and we're on our way down to the steam room with Carole. Tins loves all the amenities her building has and she's decided it's time to use them. AND SO ... they're rapped up in towels in a big white marble room. They say it's hot, so I guess it's a steam room, but it might be a steam room like from the days of the Roman Empire. It's weird. It's like they're on the set of Ben Hur. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Well, frankly, NOT ONE GD THING. They're in towels and Tins has clearly NEVER been to a steam room because she's got on 95 gold bracelets, 3 necklaces, 4 watches, and 89 rings. Help me out ... if you live upstairs can't you leave your jewelry in your special jewelry room? I thought this place had lovely amenities.
Tinsley's mom comes for a visit later that day and they immediately go downstairs for a drink. Talk about amenities. I need a hotel bar on the ground floor of my building. Can you imagine? I'd be broke and drunk constantly. Mom whips out a letter from T's fertility doctor that came to her in Palm Beach. Tinsley's frozen eggs are in storage and it's time to pay the rent. I guess even super rich moms wanna nag you to death, because she's all over T about making sure to pay the rent on the eggs AND THEN we find out Mom said some inappropriate stuff to Scott about Tinsley's biological clock ticking.
MOMS BE CRAZY, YO.
Tins and Mom argue back and forth about babies and marriage and all the things Moms wanna holler about. It's like an incredibly rich, incredibly slow talking version of Gilmore Girls, just with 75 gold bracelets and SUPER processed hair. They've got giant glasses of wine and mom is clearly tipsy because she suggests they go try on wedding dresses for fun.
OH. AND YOU THOUGHT SONJA WAS UNHEALTHY.
Mom and T take themselves to Amsale? I did not have one single effing clue what the hell an Asale is, so I Googled it. Clearly I'm a dude because AMSALE is a huge giant thing. Amsale was created by Amsale Aberra ... an Ethiopian American fashion designer who specializes in couture wedding gowns. If you're rich and in NYC ... it's the place to go.
They are greeted by the exact gay you're imagining they would be greeted by in this place. He calls T a bride right away because that's his whole job, and she corrects him since they're just there to dream and play. He's into it, well of course, this bish is on RHONY ... he knows what's up, so he brings them champs tout de suite. They look at dresses for a while and T tries a few on as the prices come up on the screen AND I ACCIDENTALLY EAT MY HAND. Holy Lord, Dude. $10,000 for a dress you'll wear one time?
NAH. IM GOOD.
Tins talks about the dress she wants ... BIG AND POOFY AND PRINCESS AND SO BIG BIG BIG. We see a few shots of her first wedding while she talks about her planning the wedding with her mom. These two are a mess. You can't help but be charmed by them. This whole thing is definitely maybe possibly on the edge of being unhealthy, but she's just feeling good about the prospect of getting married again. This is really about her finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and being able to move on ... so I guess it's fine and not a complete mental health emergency. Also? These dresses are incredible, but I'm gay don't trust me. This situation is CRAZY.
BUT ... it's not cray enough, and these fools are drinking champagne, so it's clearly time to Facetime with Tinsley's fertility doctor.
OK. OK. OK.
HOLD TF UP.
What doctor Facetimes with you? I can barely get an appointment for a physical with my doctor. Tins asks about the process of implanting her eggs ... she's just curious ... and like I said ... we need some next level shit so HERE WE ARE. The doctor is prepared. He answers a couple questions as simply as he can and then holds up a picture of her eggs. Tins and Mom start ugly crying ... LOUD ... and waving at the phone to her "babies."
YEAH. THE DOCTOR HAS A PICTURE OF HER EGGS.
All I can think about is how this is either an actor somewhere in Manhattan collecting a check, or this dude is showing this picture to every chick he Facetines with ... WHAT A MESS. These two are WASTED. This cannot be real ... right? Somebody call a cab.
This episode is a total cluster. We check in with Ramona who is hard at work remodeling her house in the Hamptons. Sonja has reworked her townhouse ... like all the plastic is gone now ... but girlfriend has a fax machine? Then everyone meets up for a group workout class at a place called ConBody. It's exactly what it sounds like ... some dudes who have been to prison have a prison-themed work out facility complete with bars and cells and THE BEST PART ... mugshots. Everybody gets a mugshot OF COURSE and there are MANY jokes about LuAnn and prison.
A jail workout ... seems like the perfect segue ... for Lu to be getting out of treatment (LOL REHAB) in Palm Beach. We see news reports, and replays of her arraignment and another blip of the police video. She's been to hell and back, shaken to the core. Girl, we know. We've been watching. You've been drinking to cover up what was really going on?
SHOCKING AND NEW INFORMATION.
Please. I don't need a degree in psych to see what's going on, Momma. WE KNOW. AND AND AND ... all this complicated processing and owning up is all fine and good and beautiful, and we're like really really SUPES PROUD, but GIRL ... wash your face and get back in the game. Seriously. I'm glad she's back looking good and feeling great, but I can't take one single more breath without my girl Lu. Aren't you over all this togetherness and lovey dovey crap? I know I am. It's good when they're all getting along for like half an episode, but a whole episode of happiness?
NAH GIRL. SOMEBODY START A FIGHT.