WHAT A BUNCH OF BITCHES (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
This episode kicks off with a sad little rainstorm complete with thunder. WHEW GIRL. You ain't gotta be a Dostoevsky scholar to see this as a sign. THUNDER? Becca, you in danger girl. I for one hope this means we're gonna roll up next to a hot tub and find our Male Model friend knee deep in a football player. It is PRIDE month, after all. Shouldn't we get a tiny little sprinkle of some homosexual action? THE ANSWER IS YES.
We end up getting the next best thing ... dudes in sweatpants making eggs AND a lot of random shots of Colton being nervous. The Bachelorette is about as subtle as a frying pan to the face, so get ready for all the Colton drama you can handle in a two hour episode. A group of the dudes (including Colton) are shipped off to a group date with Becca and a group of her lady friends. LOL. I love it when they try to make us believe the bachelorette is friends with other bachelor/bachelorette contestants from seasons past. I'm really supposed to believe she's buddies with Rachel, Tia, and that COO COO CRAZY 12 year old from the last season of The Bachelor?
Not buying it.
The ladies are lounging around in bathrobes at a spa talking about ... YOU GUESSED IT ... Colton. They're waiting on the dudes from the group date to pamper them (TRAGIC), and of course there is plenty of time for Becca to talk to Tia about Colton. If you missed last week or fell asleep during all those relay races from the last episode ... Colton went on a date (maybe several dates we don't really know) with Tia. Who is Tia? GIRL. Why are you reading this if you don't know who Tia is ... do you even watch the Bachelorette?
LORD they love a drama on this show, so of course they're working this one REAL HARD. Tia and Becca have a private sit down about it. What we find out is a WHOLE BIG FAT BUNCH of nothing. Tia tells Becca that kissing is as exciting as their "relationship" got. She knew Colton applied to be on The Bachelorette, but she didn't think much about it because he'd never end up being on the show. Tia never says what happened or why their relationship didn't progress, all we know is they remained friends (or friendly). Tia is acting REAL WEIRD and gives us no tea. NOTHING. She sure doesn't do anything to reassure Becca. Did Colton apply to be on the show because he thought Tia was going to be the bachelorette? Is he here on the show now for the right reasons? Who knows. They gloss over everything and Becca decides to move on before Colton arrives.
MKAY. LISTEN. Tia is being weird here, but they can drag this mess out any old way they want. This boy is cute AF, and if she sends him home because he had a date with someone (SOMEONE SHE ISNT EVEN FRIENDS WITH) Imma have to call the police. I call shenanigans. Like, give this drama a rest, we're too early in the process for all this WORK. Make out with this boy and keep it moving.
Once that's settled the dudes arrive and there are foot rubs and everybody (even the dudes) get their nails painted. OMG MEN WITH NAIL POLISH. It's 2018 everybody ... nail polish is not subversive. QUIT IT. We're still getting these shots of Colton looking REAL UNCOMFORTABLE and red and so nervous because he's in the same room with Tia. He's real cute and all but you're a grown ass man, buddy. I think you're gonna make it. They are really really REALLY on this fake drama, but before you know it we're on the second part of the group date.
Group dates give me anxiety. The dudes all pull Becca aside one by one. IT'S EXHAUSTING. I don't know how she does it. It starts out fine, I guess. Fine ... if you think a bunch of men saying how interested they are in you and how much they want you after they've spent about 15 minutes with you is ... fine. Almost immediately she gets taken away for a chat, and while she's gone the dudes start talking about Tinder. Our friend the Male Model reveals to the boys that he's had 4,000 matches on Tinder. I don't know dick about Tinder but that sounds like a WHOLE LOT of phone time. Who is on Tinder this much? Also? How long do I have to pretend this guy is attractive enough to be a male model? Do I have a week to not laugh? Two? He's like alright. He might have a contract with Wilemina but I'm pretty sure the only modeling this bitch is doing is down at the JC Penny. Also -- ALSO? I'm pretty sure he's confusing Tender with the gay hookup app ... GRINDR ... but OK ...
In true Bachelorette style this Tinder conversation comes up in Becca's time with David. He tells her all about Male Model's Tinder success. How is it that in the 900 years of the Bachelorette dudes still don't know how annoying it is when they start gossiping about the drama happening around them? How do they not know that talking about what the other dudes are doing is a major turn off. You end up sounding like a jealous little baby. Why you gotta snitch on the other dudes? Let these weirdos eliminate themselves. When Becca hears the news she runs out to high five Male Model for his 4K matches; which proves that this little private sesh with David IS A BUST.
The whole thing sorta backfires. Becca seems to have a sense of humor about it, and then Male Model gets time alone with Becca. This dude goes on and on about the trials and tribulations of being a model and how amazing he is. Seeeee? He's digging his own grave. Once they've had their mini-date Male Model returns to the group where he basically reads David for filth in front of the other dudes. He's catty and bitchy and MEAN AF ... it looks a whole lot like when the drag queens on RuPaul's Drag Race insult each other for fun. The other dudes remain silent while drinking their cocktails with big eyes as these two queens battle it out.
Then FINALLY Colton and Becca are alone. I know I've said it before but Imma say it again ... he's way cuter than the other dudes on this date. I'm not even sure this really matters to her? LOLOL ... that's a lie, of course it matters. She's clearly into him (who wouldn't be). He's cute AND has that whole corn fed, momma's boy, coy Midwestern thing going on ... which I'm pretty sure is her jam. BUT ... beyond that ... he says all the right things. He's sorry for any drama and knows she deserves honesty and wants to start over with a clean slate. She loves it (DUD) and clickety clacks her way over to the rose in the other room ... and brings it back for him. OF COURSE HE GOT A ROSE. OF COURSE. Most of the dudes on this date are a snoooooze. They're either coming on too strong too soon, or they're drag queens ... she had no choice but to pick the blushing, corn fed Colton.
Now that this drama is sorta put to bed ... it's time for a one on one ... with Chris ... they go to Capitol Records. It's the middle of the day and Becca is dressed like she's on her way to a Guns & Roses concert. Who is doing this wardrobe? She's got a leather jacket, ripped black jeans, some sheer black top situation. She's ready for a night out ... at like 10 am. They meet up with Richard Marx who is going to help them write and perform a love song.
Oh, that sounds like a totally normal thing to do with someone you just met. I know we just met, but let's write a love song together with this old dude who has somehow not aged at all since the 80s. WHAT. Seriously, you guys. Richard Marx looks WAY BETTER than you'd expect. Google tells me he's only 54? I'm shocked I thought he was 60 something. I guess it doesn't matter. He's got a head full of dark hair, perfect skin ... it's a little overwhelming. Sure, he's dressed in all black (maybe to match Becca?) and looks like he just jumped out of bed ... but the skin and the hair are FLAWLESSSS. Maybe it's just really good lighting and makeup, but he looks good.
Chris is maybe even taken aback by Mr. Marx? He's nervous and overwhelmed ... I'm not totally sure if he's star struck or not ... do straight dudes even know who Richard Marx is?? It's probably just that he has to write a love song for a person he doesn't really know. Who planned this date? Doesn't this feel like something for a few weeks from now? Chris is scared to be vulnerable? They have a little therapy sesh and there's a bunch of stuff about his dad and blah blah blah ... who even has time for real feelings ... he ends up working through it and they write a song.
AND THEN? ... The drama queen of all drama queens ... the Cheeto in chief (The President ... gross ... I've never called him that) interrupts the show because he's in Korea or something. So we miss a chunk of the show. What a mess. Please make sure you're registered to vote ... we gotta get rid of this asshole.
When we come back to the show Becca is giving Chris a rose.
... and then just like that we're back at the mansion with the boys! The paramedics are at the house and they're carrying David out of the house on a stretcher. David ... like ... David from the drag queen fight earlier in the episode. We get zero clues as to what is happening. NOTHING. No fighting, no yelling, NADA. Some of the dudes are interviewed and they talk about how much blood there is and how he looks like he has been attacked by a bear. It feels like maybe our boy Male Model is to blame? They sure set it up that way. Maybe she sharpened her claws and sliced his face off? WE GET NOTHING! When the dudes get up the next morning we still get NO CLUES. They're all talking about the scene but we don't know what happened.
The next morning Host Chris Harrison visits Becca to tell her all about the drama. David is intensive care with a banged up face.
Apparently this dude fell out of bed. LOLOLOL ... I am also clumsy AF and might fall out of my chair while I type this, but I have never fallen out of a bed AND ONTO MY FACE. Was he WASTED? I love a good drama but this is ridiculous. Becca talks to him on the phone ... I mean I guess that's nice of her ... she doesn't even know him.
WHATEVER, DUMMY. That's what happens when you show up on the first episode wearing a chicken suit ... WHAT A LITTLE BITCH.
Then we're on a second group date. These group dates, man. EYEBALL EMOJI. The dudes are going to play football with a few of the ladies from the women's professional football league. WHOA. I didn't even know that was a thing. Good job. They do foot ball drills and do football things. It's about as exciting as you would think. I'd rather watch the footage of that dude falling out of bed. All I can really say is the pants are nice. I don't know dick about football. Wouldn't it be more fun if they put on a drag show or crochet blankets? Whatever. The game ends with Clay (an actual real live professional football player) tying the game, but also hurting his wrist. He's taken away in an ambulance.
LOL WHAT. WHAT A PUSSY.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... I've always wanted to say that.
This means Clay misses the sexy part of the group date ... JK he shows up late AND OF COURSE gets a little extra attention for being a hero. Lord. Are we still in high school? The group date is WAYYY less dramatic than the first, and Becca gives a rose to Clay.
There's no rose ceremony, probably because we've had all the drama we can stand. We've had a gay dude on Tinder, a broken face, a busted wrist, lady football players. A rose ceremony would be over the top. The episode is almost perfect, honestly ... except ... since it's PRIDE MONTH ... I really wish we could get a lip sync competition. Can you imagine? Male Model, Clay, and Colton all in football pants ... working out their crazy to ... Whitney Houston ... I wanna see these boys work it out to a little ... Greatest Love of All. Oh, well. I guess you can't have everything.