THE NUTCRACKER (RHONY RECAP)
I hope you moisturized, flossed and brushed your teeth and remembered to wear your really good sports bra today. DO YOUR STRETCHES. This episode was so jam packed I might actually need to text Lisa Rinna for a Xanax. I mean why does my face hurt and why is my neck sore. OMG. Do I have whiplash? Nah. That's just Bethenny fatigue.
Last week we ended with Carole showing us her ABC Newsroom face. Bethenny was coming at her with all sorts of jabs, and Carole came right back at her. It was glorious. We've never seen anyone who could stand up to the B. We come back this week exactly where we left off. Everyone at the table has their head down and is pretending they're sad about the friendship that's burning down right in front of them, but let's be really real: THESE LADIES ARE SO GLAD CAROLE HAS FINALLY ARRIVED (wearing a cape and lasso ready to carry Ms. B off to the bully jail).
There's mostly just a lot of unintelligible screaming. Bethenny epic monologues facts WHILE Carole disputes pieces of her story ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Bethenny is pissed Carole won't "let her talk" HILARIOUS since all Bethenny does is TALKKKKKKK people to death. What I finally get (after rewinding and rewatching this scene 94 times) is Bethenny called Carole and trashed Adam and called him an operator and some other junk. FIRST OFF? Can we pause for a bit and LOL at this calling someone an "operator" mess? WTF IS AN OPERATOR? Is this vocab from the Baby Boomers? WHAT THE HELL. LOL OPERATOR. STAHHHPITTT. Carole did not know this had anything to do with the hurricane/charity work. She just thought Bethenny was being BETHENNY.
Everyone is a little drunk, which inspires LuAnn to get in on the screaming match. She starts saying to anyone who will listen (Sonja) that Adam IS an operator (GIGGLE FIT) and he's trash and stayed with her niece for six months and stayed on her couch and CAROLE MET HIM IN MY KITCHEN etc etc etc ... it's all VERY COUNTESS after 75 bottles of Tequila (minus falling in the bushes). My favorite part of this Countess interlude is when Lu stands up OVER Bethenny and says, "DO YOU THINK I CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME." This doesn't bring the fist fight I'm longing for but it's satisfying just the same.
Through all of this and the screaming ... Carole keeps her cool and decides to leave the room. These two are both stubborn AF. Bethenny insists Carole won't let her talk ... which really means Carole doesn't bow down and lick her ass and B can't handle it. Carole insists Bethenny gets into the weeds with disputing facts. The real deal is Bethenny is impossible to really confront because she cannot hear the whole story (like the part that might be happening outside her head). She cannot be calm and have a conversation ... or LISTEN. AND? As my girl Carole says she can't admit to doing anything less than perfect. So maybe they have to have this chat alone sometime? It's impossible here in the Berserkshires ... and it's getting annoying REAL QUICK.
Dorinda is also over it, because never forget D knows what's up. She lights the candles on her own birthday cake and leads the group in a chorus of HAPPY BIRTHDAY. This is how you do it when you're a champ, y'all. Just get happy for your own damned self and MOVE ON. She's so over these jerks she shoves her face into the cake to make everybody laugh. FUNNY ... except probably she burned her hair and that's gonna smell real bad. This prompts the group get get REAL DRUNK and silly. There are santa outfits and elf outfits. Silliness.
Then a sudden real moment ...
Carole and Bethenny talk in one of the rooms. Carole insists she didn't know about Adam. Bethenny INSISTS Carole seems more self involved and into fashion and selfies and hanging with Tinsley. OMG. WAIT. IS TINSLEY STILL ON THIS SHOW??? Mostly this feels like Bethenny got lost in saving the world and Carole wasn't excited enough for her and so HERE WE ARE. There are tears but nothing feels super resolved. The tears are Bethenny's and YOU GUYS ... B cries a lot? I find it shocking since she's COLD AS ICE. Meanwhile the other ladies are running around like a bunch of drunk sorority girls on pledge night.
The next morning comes and they all look a mess, but they're still being silly and fun and are mostly in good shape. These girls are professional partiers. When Bethenny leaves in her rich lady black SUV ... she hugs Carole goodbye. So weird. OMG. Being a housewife is so exhausting and confusing. They sorta talked it out but not really and yet still seem alright. Is this whole thing a lie to make me have feelings and draw alliances and keep the show going?
BUT ... WHATEVER ... never you mind. We're back in Manhattan with Ms. Morgan. She's meeting with a contractor to get the townhouse in shape for renters. She talks to this dude like they're old friends and tells him she forgot to tell him she had sex on the sink downstairs. I guess it was coo coo crazy sex because she cracked a sink and pulled something out of the wall. Then she's sure to tell him the sex was in 2008. This dude is SUPER profesh and doesn't crack a smile, not even for the cameras and goes out of the room to fix her busted ass place. I love it when people do not engage with her extra-ness.
AND SINCE ... one messy party isn't enough for these girls ... we're at Bethenny's for her yearly holiday party. The ladies all arrive one by one and they're looking AMAZING. Like ... more than usual. Sonja in particular looks GREAT. We're talking super model great. What is she doing? Is it juicing? Sex? Is she vegan now? Is she a vampire? What is the deal here? OH RIGHT SHE QUIT POPPING PILLS. Wow. Drugs kill you guys. Even Carole shows up (BECAUSE SHE'S A GROWN UP DONT FORGET IT). They do a white elephant gift exchange? You're probably ready for this to be a wrestle for a bag of diamonds situation, but they don't even play this right. I think maybe white elephant gift giving is way too POOR PERSON for this group. The just open their gifts and make faces about the silly gifts they received. It's super disappointing. Make a poor friend, you guys. I mean I'm right here. I can be in NYC for Christmas, TEXT ME.
Once the gifts are all opened there's a knock on the door ... and in comes a life sized Nut Cracker from FAO Schwartz. Bethenny mentioned how she wanted to get one for her daughter for Christmas but couldn't make it happen. Well, guess what! Dorinda found one, bought it and had it delivered to B's mansion in the sky. Bethenny screams a lot and runs around excited, but never says thank you to Dorinda OR mentions AT ALL that Dorinda made this happen.
The party is business as usual. You know ... drunk rich ladies wearing sequins and sipping Moet Champs. BUT SHIT I LOVE THESE FOOLS. OOPS. Sorry. I got excited.
Where was I?
Business as usual.
What does that mean?
Well. First. Ramona mentions she's thinking about doing a skin care line. I know I KNOW. WTF. But Ramona is 61 and she looks like she's 50, so if Ramona wants to give me the blood of a goat to drink or some chicken diarrhea to sip on to keep my face tight and right SIGN ME UP FRIENDS. She tell us this and ... Bethenny shuts her down quickly by calling her an infomercial.
We find out Tins is going to Palm Beach for New Year's Eve and OMG SO IS LU! Ok, why is LuAnn taking herself to Palm Beach to hang out on a boat that she just got engaged on like 4 minutes ago? TOM'S BOAT, Y'ALL. YES THAT TOM. I DONT KNOW WHY. OMGOMGOMG. I don't know, girl. I don't know but here we go. How can this conversation get worse or more terrible? Bethenny interjects with something like ... OH AND HE'S GOT THAT BUSTED UP BANGED UP GIRLFRIEND (referring to TOM).
Can we send Bethenny to her room or nah? I MEAN SWEET MOSES IN A BASKET. WTF.
Beth suddenly realizes Lu didn't know Tom has a girlfriend and apologizes a zillion times, and then tries to make it better by saying Carole told her. GAH. Can we send her back to Puerto Rico now? Then because she hasn't done enough, as everyone is leaving, B tells everyone Carole didn't talk much she must be really sad.
The next day Lu is hosting a blood donation drive for the Red Cross. OMG. Being a rich lady is so fun you guys. Housewives, they're just like us! I'd like to jump in here and make sure you know gay folks STILL CANNOT donate blood. Like. Right here. In the United States of America. You can in other countries, PS. So. Now you know.
All the ladies are there except for Bethenny. I guess she SUPER BUSY? I don't know what she's doing, but don't worry. SHE SENDS HER ASSISTANT WITH A STACK OF CASH CARDS TO HAND OUT TO PEOPLE (DIRECTLY TO PEOPLE). ALL CAPS BECAUSE BETHENNY IS GONNA MAKE MY EYES POP OUT SOON. Good job, assistant. She makes sure she's on camera and says all the things and blah blah blah. It's gross.
It's gross, but B's absence gives the other ladies a chance to say HEY BETHENNY IS NOT NICE. They review what has been happening. Dorinda didn't get a thank you for the nutcracker, Ramona was insulted for thinking of coming up with a skincare line to make us all gorgeous, Carole gets raked over the coals for not bowing down to Bethenny. You can hear them gathering their armies and readying for a fight as Dorinda says, "where else in any other relationship are you allowed to talk to someone like this."
OH. MY. GOD. You guys. Are they gonna confront her? WHEW GIRL. These bitches are circling their wagons. They’re sick of Bethenny’s shit and I’ve never been more excited.
Then ... I KNOW. HOW MANY THINGS CAN HAPPEN IN ONE GD EPISODE. I NEED A NAP.
The next day Bethenny calls Ramona. WHY? I know. Why would that ever happen EVER? Because Sonja The Snitch, who is apparently Bethenny's ONLY friend at this point, told B the other girls were gossiping about her at the blood drive event. So I guess this is B calling to shut Ramona up or something? We can hear Bethenny doing her usual epic monologue and then defensive act about how Ramona won't let her finish her what she has to say (SOUND FAMILIAR?). Ramona is out walking her dog while this is happening. This poor dog. Ramona isn't having any of this. She tells B she isn't supportive to women and she's insulting and terrible and hangs up the phone.
OMG. GOOD FOR HER.
It feels triumphant and excited and WOW WHAT A GREAT JAM PACKED EPISODE.
And then. I KNOW I KNOW.
The moment we’ve all been waiting for.
LuAnn is getting arrested in Palm Springs. There's a police video and she's threatening a cop's life and breaking out of her handcuffs and OMG we get to watch the whole thing.