DRINK YOUR TEA, BISH (RHONY RECAP)
Have you guessed the theme for this season yet? I suppose there are arguments for a few options but I think the big one is ... WTF ARE WE GONNA DO WITH SONJA. That's certainly what the most recent episode was working to get the ladies to answer. I'm starting to think there is no answer here, but it might be enough to build a season around. I wonder if there will be enough time to turn the bus around though? Like at the end of summer will everyone be in love again? I guess we'll have to wait and see.
We begin with Ramona shopping for a cappuccino machine for Avery. I guess baby girl is back in the city. She's working in finance apparently? All I can think is let that bish buy her own $150 cappuccino machine if she's working in finance, but what do I know, I don't have children. I guess you have to buy them things to get them to love you or something? That's clearly a theme for Ramona since she has decided to throw a Christmas shopping party (what do these words even mean, rich people are so weird just go fucking shopping ass hat!) for the ladies (which means a ton of strangers and also our RHONY girls) at Henri Bendel. I know, honey. She is rich bitch, and you better be too if you're going to visit HB.
Did I mention EVEN SONJA is invited? Yeah, girl. Get ready.
Bethenny is casually reviewing the blueprints (LOL) for her new apartment, and ding dong there's a visitor. Guess who's dropping buy for a super caj visit (again lol what). The new place is still under construction and B takes Sonja on a little tour. Ol' girl knows what she's supposed to do she put on a real show for Bethenny oooooohing and ahhhhhhing her little heart out. She deserves an Emmy for this performance, but she's got no friends so of course she's gonna deep throat the person who last season screamed SHUT THE FUCK UP in her face repeatedly.
That's so desperate, you guys. Maybe I do feel bad for Sonja????
Nahhhh. JK. She CRAY.
Bethenny is pretending to be Angelina Jolie this season and go for the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian award from the United Nations. OF COURSE she's feeling bad for Sonja and how the girls are treating her and OF COURSE she's having her over to coach her on how to get back on everyone's good side. B asks a bunch of questions and tries to get all the dirt to figure out what's really happening.
What we find out is what we already know. Sonja is hurt that Ramona didn't stick up for her in the great Hamptons showdown. "Even prison bitches have each other's backs," Sonja tells her. Bethenny gets it since she also can't stand Ramona. If these two start braiding each others hair and getting pedicures we will see Ramona's face melt right off her little body.
There's also Sonja's beef with Tins. That mess was exhausting last season and it's real tiresome THIS season. Let's be real here. They were living together for a story line. Nobody needs to be mad at anyone except Bravo, 'cause there ain't enough money in the world to force you to have a months long sleep over with another adult after 40. TRUST ME I KNOW. Anyway, Sonja is hurt that Tins pretended to be destitute (DID SHE THO?) but then gave her a $5K gift card and donated $10K to Bethenny's charity. Sonja looked like Big Edie last season and what's really going on is she's mad about it and she wants these bitches to pay for it.
Beth is obvi exhausted from the whole exchange, but I meannnn SHE ASKED FOR IT. Bethenny's advice? "YOU TALK TOO MUCH! You should give yourself a 20 word limit when you're talking to people, kinda like Twitter, people would understand you better."
Don't you just love it when Bethenny is warm and nurturing?
Speaking of LOVERS ... new BFFs Tins and Carole meet up. We discover Tins is about to go visit Scott in Chicago ANNNNND we find out Carole and Adam are sill sorta kinda seeing each other. CR wouldn't call it a "boyfriend/girlfriend thing," but they're still together. She thought they'd see each other less once the marathon training stuff was done, but they're still hanging out. She tells Tins Adam isn't really interested in dating anyone else, and she isn't either and he would never just get a girlfriend because he knows Carole would see it as a betrayal.
OK, girl. That sounds like a recipe for disaster to me, but what do I know. I'm just a married girl with a gorgeous husband and dog. Also, I know you saw the previews so ... why this bish let that sexy man out of her hands I WILL NEVER KNOW.
Thennn suddenly Bethenny is doing a photo shoot for a new line of Skinny Girl Jeans. LOL WHAT IN THE NAME OF KELLY BENSIMON IS GOING ON. B's gotta sell everything all the time, so you know she's talking this mess up to us. They're so comfortable, they're so cute, they fit so well, pose pose pose pose. Girl. I don't know about that. Cute? There's like chains or rhinestones or some shit going down the side hem. I'm not sold on this one.
While Ms. B is having her Top Model moment ... Dorinda tags along with Lu for apartment shopping and they gossip about ... YOU GUESSED IT: Sonja. It's honestly too beige to even tell you about. Just know Dorinda is still pissed AF and Lu just wants a simple place where she can bring her little brown bags full of dresses and lamps or like whatever The Countess travels with ... she's a simple girl.
THEN? The weirdest. Carole meets Lu for tea. It's time for them to come to some sort of a truce, I guess? EXCEPT NAH GIRL ... I love it when Carole shades The Countess TO DEATH when they meet up. It's FUN! Lu is about 45 minutes late and when she arrives Carole is basically asleep in her chair. It's REAL AWKWARD. Carole explains how she wants to clear the air between the two of them. They haven't had a one on one in forever. So they go into their issues ... Carole doesn't like how Lu dismisses Adam and Lu is pissed Carole didn't text her after the divorce. I guess they clear the air? Again. It's AWKWARD AF and over before you even know it started. Honestly, it's a snooze. It feels pointless. I know they needed to do this, I mean I guess, but ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Meanwhile back at Tinsley's ... she's cleaning up her place and pretending to be nervous about her big trip to Chicago. The door bell rings ... in her hotel room WHAT. Who could it be?? Scott of course. He shows up unannounced and Tins does the greatest acting we've seen since whatever movie Meryl Streep just made. There's screaming, there's maybe some tears, there's a fall to the floor. It's REAL dramatic.
He's nervous and very Scott about the whole thing. All I can think is NOW WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON. Do y'all buy this "relationship?" I'm not sure I do. You know I love Tins, but is she with this dude because she enjoys his company, or because he sold a company for a lot of dollars and could take care of her expensive habits? She ends up leaving and going to Chicago with Scott right away.
So this means Tins won't be going to Ramona's fancy party. What's with Ramona's party throwing anyways? Who does she think she is Ina Garten? Also not going to the party is Bethenny ... BIG SURPRISE ... it's not like she loves Ramona anyways. Bethenny is at home planning her next humanitarian effort to Puerto Rico. She wants to take some of the girls, but doesn't want to deal with their fancy, high maintenance asses. She decides Dorinda should be the one to go. She's asked about the trip more than the other girls, and she's the least fussy of them all.
Then at long last ... THE PARTY.
The minute Ramona arrives she starts ordering the staff around. The room is too small. The area just beyond the room isn't decorated for Christmas. You know ... the usual bossy Ms. Singer you've come to know and love. She drags decorations around like she owns the place and gets ready for her guests. As people show up it looks a whole lot like the marathon party, except in fancy ass Henri Bendel in the middle of Manhattan.
There are a ton of people including Missy. You remember Missy, you just don't know that you remember Missy. She's the chick Tom dated before he was with LuAnn. THEN? Tom was flirting with her on one of the last episodes of last season when the marriage was on the rocks. She's the one who encouraged that jerk to take off his mic at that other party. Jesus, this bitches love a party. Of course as soon as we're reintroduced to her ... Lu shows up. We're readying for disaster as Ramona defends inviting Missy by saying there are 60 people here, she's my friend everything is going to be fine.
Annnnnnd ... shockingly ... it actually is fine. Lu handles the whole thing like a pro. It's clearly WEIRD AF for them to both be at this party, but Lu takes it all in stride. The Countess is so chill and even tempered about the whole thing it's almost disappointing. Like, wouldn't you like to see Lu wrestle somebody at Henri Bendel? I know I would.
Oh, but it's cool, my dudes. Because just when you check the DVR to see there are only a few minutes left and the drama has been real low this episode ... SONJA shows up. I don't know who is doing this camera work for her arrival, but here's a extra cold glass of Pinot, friend. She strides into the building with a scarf and fur like she's arriving at the White House. She knows she's on the outs with most of the girls, so she's doing her best to talk to other people. BUT ALSO? She's loud and boisterous to let these bitches know she is HERE and she is not going quietly into the night.
After her pep-talk from Bethenny, she tells us she's coming in to mean more and say less. LOL, we'll see about that baby girl. WE'LL SEE. Sonja slowly and accidentally winds her way over to Ramona. Yeah, I see you producers. Good Job! Lu see's what's happening and excuses herself from them. So Sonja and Ramona stand around breathing hard and making polite laughing sounds at each other while drinking wine. They slowly warm up and go right back to the Hamptons drama. Sonja tells Ramona she's hurt that she didn't stand up for her. They start yelling at each other ... like really yelling and SUPER close to each other's faces? It's sooooo Sonja and Ramona. It's pretty funny, and eventually Ramona walks away to leave the party as Sonja begins to epic monologue two rando young girls who are at the party? The girls stand there and listen and smile because they're on TV.