DOING THE DAMN THING (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
IT'S OUR FAVORITE DAMN TIME OF YEAR! No, not summer, you fool. Summer is all heat and sweat and exercise and sausages of unknown origin and we hate it. BUT BACHELORETTE SEASON WE ARE HERE FOR! One confident gal, a sea of douchebags, allllll the tears, hopefully someone gets an uncomfortable porking in the ocean, and the sausage comes complete with a murky job history, too much hair gel, and an ex girlfriend exposing all your lies on Twitter. It's the dang best.
<insert some shit about Becca>
Just kidding, we're not going to waste time writing about Becca, because if you're here, it's because you know Becca is the one-step-above-bland jilted fiance of Arie, here to GET HER OWN FANTASY LOVE STORY GODDAMMIT. We will however read for filth all the contestants as they step out of the limo and into our hearts. Let's begin.
JEREMY: Ahhh. YOU GUYS. I just wanna start of by saying Arie is a TURD BALL who can drive his little race car right into the gates of Hell. YES. He’s HOT. YES. His lips are luscious. BUT. I hate him and his ass face.
ADRIENNE: Jeremy, he smiles like he’s had a stroke. Just one side of his mouth sort of gaping. NOT HOT. Also, have you ever in your life seen something douchier than this:
JEREMY: I mean I hope he dies in a car crash, but he could get it.
ADRIENNE: You know I matched with him on Bumble years ago. I was dumber then, I'd probably have hit it.
ADRIENNE: <insert link of Arie season where Adrienne says she matched with Arie on Bumble>
Enough about Arie, it's like we're part of the patriarchy opening Becca's season by talking about her old dude. We should know better! So let me just start by saying, Becca’s family and their house is SO MINNESOTA. So is her sister’s giant perm. Obviously I’m in love.
JEREMY: I just thought they were putting her in some freezing cold snow globe because DRAMA is good for ratings.
ADRIENNE: Here comes a veritable army of old Bachelorettes. Do we really need their advice? Like let’s get to the choades, amirite?
JEREMY: Yeah. Like I need Rachel to give somebody advice.
ADRIENNE: I mean if we’re going to give advice, let’s get New York Times Bestselling Author Andi Dorfman up in here. She’s my for real fav bachelorette. But I also love Kaitlyn because she boned people and like, dude, good for her. GET YOU SOME. She's REAL BLONDE right now tho.
JEREMY: Here’s some advice for Rachel. MERMAID HAIR IS DONE GET A NEW WIG.
ADRIENNE: You just killed me dead. Hahahahahahaha.
JEREMY: Oops. I forgot I wasn’t talking about Drag Race. OMG. Women trashing dudes is my most favorite of all the sporting events.
ADRIENNE: OK, here come some mini-packages about some of the bros. OH GOD A MALE MODEL, EVERY WOMAN'S DREAM.
JEREMY: Hi. I’m Jordan. I’m 26, and give a killer blow job. CLEARLY JORDAN LOVES THE D … and no I’m not talking about diamonds, y’all.
ADRIENNE: There’s a guy from Chicago who owns a grocery store who’s so Chicago he's a Portillo's hot dog with a pickle on top. NO KETCHUP.
JEREMY: Does anybody in all of Chicago have that accent though?
ADRIENNE: Jeremy, he’s from the neighborhood, obviously. Wherever that is.
JEREMY: A MAN WHO COLLECTS COLOGNE? Adrienne. WHAT.
ADRIENNE: I can’t believe that guy is single. A cologne collection is such a turn on. I really want to share the space on top of my dresser where I put my jewelry and family photos with this guy's 347928475943875 bottles of cologne.
JEREMY: She’s in the limo on the way to the mansion and I’m vibrating I’m so excited to see some crazy assed dudes. I bet you a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos somebody shows up in a costume (hopefully a chicken costume).
ADRIENNE: This is the dude with the cystic fibrosis vests. He’s cute with his puns and poppers, though I'm getting strong evangelical vibes from him, proceed with caution.
JEREMY: He’s cute.
ADRIENNE: Serial killer face. Say goodnight.
JEREMY: GRANT. BUY A COMB.
ADRIENNE: Would not bone, seems like he has trouble putting together sentences.
JEREMY: Clay thinks he’s on Sex & the City with these puns. Catch ya later, Clay.
ADRIENNE: I couldn't help but wonder, had Clay taken too many hits to the head or was I head over heels?
JEAN BLANC, 31
ADRIENNE: Cute, but I don’t like a dude mansplaining to me right out the gate. Au revoir, Jean Blanc.
JEREMY: I love his suit, but he’s the dude who collects cologne … so ……
ADRIENNE: This guy has done a lot of keg stands. I’d bet my life on it. Take it from a woman who divorced a frat boy, it rarely turns out well.
ADRIENNE: Our Chicago grocery store clerk totally whiffed his entrance! “Eye fahgaht what eye was gonna saaaaay.” Too many teeth, would not bone.
JEREMY: I can’t with his voice. He’s from Jersey.
ADRIENNE: This guy seems sweet and like he knows about consent. Don’t hate it.
ADRIENNE: Would not fuck a guy with a ponytail on top of his head and a suit. What in the world.
JEREMY: I’d fuck this guy just to find out his hair care routine
ADRIENNE: Jeremy, this guy is so fucking 90s, you’re showing your age. Put him in a pirate costume and he's the cover of a romance novel you buy at Walgreens.
JEREMY: BISH. THE 90s ARE BACK QUIT IT.
ADRIENNE: Also, sorry bout it, this dude is not 31. He's at least 41.
ADRIENNE: HATE JORDAN THE MODEL. Such a douche and his teeth are blinding me. He’s so into his little outfit.
JEREMY: I’m sorry this dude is GAY. That was a very swishy walk. AND YOU KNOW I HAVE A SWISHY WALK.
ADRIENNE: Cute, seems like a real person, would bone.
JEREMY: I reached down for a slice of pizza and this dude was gone.
JEREMY: This dude was there for 3 seconds. He had a tie on and bloop.
ADRIENNE: Not wearing socks. I can’t.
JEREMY: He’s dressed like a race car driver. I WANTED A CHICKEN COSTUME, NICK. WTF.
ADRIENNE: If a guy showed up to date me with a cardboard cut out of my ex husband, I'd light them both on fire.
JEREMY: Also has a man bun. He’s cute. Clearly I like hair so…… into it.
ADRIENNE: I can’t lie, I’m drawn in by this minivan nonsense. I have terrible taste in men. I’d date this guy and be disappointed by what an idiot he turned out to be and then I’d wonder about my judgement for a year before I dated again.
JEREMY: I mean get you a gimmick, girl. He looks like a real ass man. LIKE.
ADRIENNE: Welp, this is embarrassing.
JEREMY: This is the horse dude from “the final rose” show. He comes in riding a bull or an ox or some shit. Nice move but he’s wearing a pink jacket. GET A GAY FRIEND BLAKE, YOU LOOK CRAZY.
ADRIENNE: He looks like a broke ass Brendan Fraiser? JEREMY PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY ALL THE DUDES MUST PAUSE TO BUTTON THEIR JACKETS.
JEREMY: They are fiddling with their jackets A LOT. Probably because it’s the first time they’ve worn a jacket … since they were CHILDREN.
ADRIENNE: I love his accent, I love that he brought food, I love his jacket. MARRY HIM THE MINUTE HE ASKS YA!
JEREMY: Chocolate cake. Nice. umm … I’d … eat his chocolate cake, YOU KNOW WHAT IM SAYING
ADRIENNE: Was this Darius Rucker of Hootie and the Blowfish fame? It was so fast, I have no idea.
JEREMY: we never meet this dude.
ADRIENNE: Looks too self satisfied in his face.
ADRIENNE: I like a guy who self-identifies as a closet nerd.
ADRIENNE: If the dude's opening move is teaching you the handshake he does with his bros then he 1) definitely has roommates 2) is on his parents' cell phone plan 3) does not have health insurance.
ADRIENNE: “Hey, Becca, come here.” Fuck off forever.
JEREMY: Kamil. Please never wear sneakers with a tux again. GOODBYE.
ADRIENNE: I like cute Jake from Minneapolis. He looks like a nice dude to get married too? But she’s definitely not into it.
JEREMY: She knew this dude?
ADRIENNE: Get back in the hearse and stay there.
JEREMY: This dude jumped out of a hearse. I’m not going to dignify this with a response.
ADRIENNE: On my bumble profile I have a pic of me in a chicken costume. It brings all the boys to the yard. For real.
JEREMY: ADRIENNE. IM PSYCHIC. This dude is in a chicken costume. I need a 900 hotline. I’m gonna be rich and start reading palms and shit.
ADRIENNE: Jeremy, the chicken costume was in all the promo ads. HAHAHAHAHAH.
JEREMY: I swear to God I didn’t see that shit anywhere. Lol
ADRIENNE: Too many teeth. I feel so uncomfortable having to watch the choir, I hate him for putting me in this situation.
JEREMY: His jacket is plaid. I don’t like it. DRESS LIKE AN ADULT. Also he pulled a choir out of the limo. NAH. ALSO? What’s happening with his hairline? Like… did he shave the first quarter inch of the hair on his hairline? What’s happening?
ADRIENNE: Jeremy, that's all of them. RELEASE BECCA TO THE WOLVES. And already if I have to hear one more word from the male model I’m going to get into that hearse.
JEREMY: GIRL. Right? I’m like if you’re trying to give the impression that you don’t love the D, you might wanna quit it with the sassy sartorial monologue. ANNNNND. She just described Becca as a TALL GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE. That is some gay ass shit right there.
ADRIENNE: She’s engaged to one of these fools. Would you get engaged to ANY of these dudes?????????????
JEREMY: I love the chocolate cake dude.
ADRIENNE: Girl, me too. Anyone who brings food and has an accent, like YES PLEASE.
JEREMY: Also? Maybe mini-van man?
ADRIENNE: Was that the same dude who was singing about Reno? If so, blech. But I liked the minivan.
JEREMY: ANND? They feel young to me? Am I that old?
ADRIENNE: They aren’t old and bitter like us so they seem young and stupid. AHHAHAHAAHAHA.
JEREMY: 100%. Uhhhhhh … it’s the first episode and if that hair dude talks again or that gay dude says anything else I’m gonna cry. I hope they go home tonight. LOL FAT CHANCE.
ADRIENNE: That hair dude is SOMETHING ELSE. And we gotta send Clay home fast, he talks like a well spoken 7 year old. He’s like, let’s play with Clay, my name is Clay, get it? I’m in second grade.
JEREMY: AHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAAHA! For real though. He does. I’m like GET SOME ADDERALL MY DUDE.
ADRIENNE: UHHHH SNAG THE DUDE WHO MADE THE APP FOR VENMO.
JEREMY: His speech pattern though? So I am a. Software. Person. DEEP BREATH …
ADRIENNE: Don’t care, he probably has stock options and guarantee he’s gonna let you pick the restaurant and movie.
JEREMY: Basketball? Really?
ADRIENNE: I’m so turned off by the dudes playing basketball. I’d be like, can you cook? Do you have a savings account? How's your dick, do you know how to use it? Do you have any jokes? PRIORITIES.
JEREMY: For real. Basketball is like Algebra. That shit should die right after Jr year. WHO CARES.
ADRIENNE: I can’t deal with anyone with a poem.
JEREMY: OHMYGOD. SAME. AND. If one of these fools says “Let’s do the damned thing,” one. More. time.
ADRIENNE: I cannot hear that shit all season. CANNOT.
JEREMY: WHEW. These men are desperate. We’ve got a dancing chicken, a back massager, a bracelet from another country. They are bringing it out for her. Also? Chicken costume dude is CUTE.
ADRIENNE: I sorta like the fly fishing guy. It reminds me of like an actual person, and I’m always into that.
JEREMY: Lord. These dudes. They already have gossip and drama about somebody not being here for the right reasons.
ADRIENNE: It’s so hilarious. Of course Toothy Plaid Jacket is involved.
JEREMY: Exhausting. Becca sending this dude home that she has met before is BAD ASS he clearly wants to be on TV and that’s all he came here for, sooooooo ... Bye, girl. BYE.
ADRIENNE: I love how shocked he is, HOW COULD SHE NOT WANT ME. LOLOLOLOL. WHITE DUDES GONNA WHITE DUDE.
JEREMY: MINIVAN GUY GETS THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE. omg. LOVE.
ADRIENNE: I could see those two together. They’re very like, white bread.
JEREMY: Chocolate cake man gets the first rose ceremony rose tonight. Uhhh. She’s picking all our faves.
ADRIENNE: I'm super into him. But i heard that there's like a whole thing on Reddit about how he shits on paper towels at work instead of in the toilet which seems ridiculous but oddly specific?
JEREMY: I also just wanna say I love the Bachelorette WAYYYYY more than the bachelor. Watching these dudes squirm is my most favorite thing ever.
ADRIENNE: YES YES YES. It’s so much better than the Bachelor. I love a woman in power, and I love men acting like douches. It’s the best. It’s like our small little micro aggression against all the terrible dudes in the world.
JEREMY: I love that they’re all mad at the chicken man, when THE CHICKEN DUDE IS HOT AF.
ADRIENNE: JO, what would you wear on night one if you were going on the Gay Bachelor? What are you getting out of the limo in?
JEREMY: A chicken suit, obvi.
ADRIENNE: I see you in more of like a, Fiddler on the Roof outfit.
ADRIENNE: TRADITION! TRADITION!
JEREMY: OMG. She sent Drama Dude home. I’m glad. Girlfriend knows what’s up. I love it.
ADRIENNE: Is the sun coming up as Becca’s sending these bros home? We lost our Chicago Grocer.
JEREMY: I had the same thought. They’re walking out into the sunlight. Makes me tired.
ADRIENNE: Glad she kept the Venmo guy, I’m telling you, he has stock options.
JEREMY: These previews of the season to come, I’m like SHIT Y’ALL LET ME WATCH THE SHOW. I don’t wanna see this stuff. SO MANY TEARS. STAHHHHHP.
ADRIENNE: OMG it gets me SO EXCITED. LET'S DO THE DAMN THING. (I'll never say that again, ok?)