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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

THE BERSERKSHIRES (RHONY RECAP)

THE BERSERKSHIRES (RHONY RECAP)

GIRL.

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Now that we're out of Puerto Rico I need to say thanks for the help girl, but can we get back to the silly rich lady shit on this show? B is doing wonderful things, and thank you, but I'm all full up on Bethenny's Lin Manuel Miranda impersonation. She's like two steps away from writing a rap musical in Spanish. Maybe I'll make her a Tony Award out of these Skinny Girl Margarita bottles I'm about to drink for Memorial Day Weekend and she'll move on to what she's really good at ... OVER TALKING AND SCREAMING while waving her arms. OH AND. Dressing like a muppet. Seriously, you guys. Why does she always look like she slaughtered a Jim Henson exhibit and threw it on her back? WHY.

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I don't know what y'all have been doing all week but I have been sitting on pins and needles since last week. I need this murder mystery party and I need it RIGHT MEOW.

We kick off with shots of Dorinda's country house. Girlfriend has decorated for Christmas. LOL JK ... her servants have decorated for Christmas. I don't think we need to pretend she pulled this mess out of her attic and put it up herself. It's as tacky and amazing as you would expect. It looks like Rudolph took a giant Christmas poo all over everything. We've got a collection of snow globes, a gold Christmas Tree, a random (and SUPER WEIRD) TV that is somehow plays Christmas scenes? It's wild. D has invited Carole and Ramona over the night before everyone else is to arrive because as Dorinda says ... They're the most fun.

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Are they the most fun? I'm not so sure. I might think Sonja is the most fun, but D is still teetering on the edge of lighting Ms Morgan on fire, so please nobody mention her. Dorinda is doing a great job of balancing friendships with all the girls this year. Minus her Sonja drama ... she could run for office. How can she call Carole and Ramona the most fun and then also have these super gossipy lunches with Bethenny? Girlfriend should maybe run for office.

The three ladies go out for dinner and we get right into it. Carole asks if they have seen a lot of Bethenny lately. It's funny to watch this scene because Ramona basically breaks out into song she's so happy about the unresolved Bethenny-Carole friction. Carole knows that something is up because of how B treated her at the dinner in the last episode. She's also aware the two of them aren't making plans or reaching out to each other as much as they were. Ramona is quiet as a church mouse for once, it's almost like she isn't even in this scene except that you can almost hear her shaking from joy. Dorinda though ... she wastes no time pretending like nothing is happening and tells Carole that Bethenny is miffed about Adam wanting to be paid to take pictures of B's charity work.

In her confessional about this dinner Carole tells us she isn't upset with Bethenny for talking to Adam about going to Puerto Rico without talking to her first. Wait. Did anyone even think that was a thing? When you're 50 do you still get upset if somebody talks to your boyfriend? LOL WHAT? NO! (Well, I hope not). Carole is upset that she and B are basically BFFs and Bethenny is running around talking about Adam wanting to be paid BEHIND Carole's back. Carole is totally right here. How can someone who is a friend ... a friend who is screaming about their charity work 24/7 ... hold something her boyfriend did against her? ALSOOO? YOU GUYS. Nobody on Planet Earth is more direct than Bethenny Frankel. Why isn't she going right to Carole and talking this out? She's never done that with anyone else, like EVER.

Sidebar? These other girls keep talking about Carole as someone who doesn't have a voice. I don't know that I've ever thought that about Radzi. She might be quieter and more reserved, she might be more polite with these women than some of them are to each other or even to her ... but I've never thought she was a quiet church mouse. I wish they'd quit saying she's voiceless. She gets along with who she gets along with and doesn't mess around with jerks. What's voiceless about that?

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Bethenny shows up the next morning dressed as a Muppet per usual. She's wearing a holiday sweater with three snowmen on it that says "chilling with my snowmies." They all giggle about it like this is some subversive message. How grandma and white do you have to be to think this is cutting edge humor? We get it girl. SNOWMIES. LOLOLOLOLOLOL ... real funny. Ramona stares at it and reads it over and over pronouncing the words out loud like a fourth grader. I MEANNNN ... of course she does. I'm like 98% sure she voted for Donald Trump. Girlfriend is a Republican, of course she doesn't know what a HOMIE is. Whatever. I love that heaux anyway.

We go to B's room and watch her unpack. RIGHT AWAY she starts throwing her Skinny Girl jeans around and talking about how comfortable they are. GAHHHHH. Bitch is home from Puerto Rico for three and a half minutes and she has to start selling us something. I guess she might as well sell us jeans. Once she's done hocking her denim she throws a Christmas present at Carole.

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OMG. WHAT.

It's a cute sweater that says "All I Want For Christmas Is A New President." Uhhh ... where did you get this, girl. I want one for myself. I want one for my whole family. I want this in all the colors so I can wear it every day until 2020 when this national nightmare can be over. Carole is surprised by the gift and tells us she wants to talk to B and clear the air and figure out what's happening between them. The trouble here is Bethenny isn't letting on that anything is bothering her, she's acting like everything is fine ... so Carole decides to do the same and keep it moving.

LuAnn and Sonja arrive at D's and now all the girls are at the farm house. They kick off their getaway with wine and lunch. Dorinda gives everyone "rules of engagement" for the weekend. The farmhouse trip has always been a HOT MESS, so she tries to keep it cool and calm with rules.

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1) Len the housekeeper works for Dorinda, not the ladies ... so get your own shit. Pour your own wine, get your own tea, get your own food.

2) Don't touch anyone's stuff. (ie ... Sonja don't wear my old nightgown)

3) Respect the house ... likeeee ... don't go breaking things and scratching up the walls.

Sonja and Lu decide to share a room and get busy setting up their room like the divas they are. They're in the "fish room" ... there are literal fish on the walls. Giant. Fish. It's intense, and Lu decides to decorate them with Santa hats and lights because ... well ... you've read Class with the Countess. You're supposed to decorate fish when you see them on a wall? This isn't even the best part of their rooming together. THE BEST PART? Is Sonja running around with her camera phone taking pictures of scrape marks and chipped paint on the walls so she can have evidence that the room wasn't perfect when they moved in for the weekend. I like your style, Ms. Morgan. I like your style.

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Eventually everyone gets ready for the murder mystery party. Most of the ladies have taken the game pretty seriously, at least in the costume department. Sonja is an accountant and has a calculator that she's using CONSTANTLY to let us know SHE IS AN ACCOUNTANT, Lu is French (OBVI) and comes in wearing a sparkly flapper dress and mumbling French to us, Carole is perfectly dressed and pretending to smoke (her favorite thing to do in costume), and Saint Bethenny enters wearing all white ... again ... a carcass from a Muppet Movie. Ramona and Tins look like ... Ramona and Tins ... which makes me laugh REAL HARD.

This reminds me. WHAT IS TINSLEY EVEN DOING THIS SEASON?

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My favorite is Dorinda. She went next level with this party. She looks great but she really kicked it up a notch by hiring actors to fill in and play parts for them. Three dorky ass dudes show up for the game. OF COURSE Sonja goes a little boy crazy and flirts herself silly with these dudes as they arrive. These actors are LOVING how they're doing this silly acting job ANNNNNND that they're on TV for it. It's hilarious and they're being SUPER EXTRA.

Finally they start playing the game. You guys! I did a murder mystery party last summer. They're maybe not all that fun AND they're also pretty complicated. I'm bad at games because I'd rather just drink my wine and talk about something silly. THEY'RE REAL HARD. Pretty soon one of the actor dudes dies. It's funny and weird and everyone moves into the dining room to figure out what to do ... WHILE THIS DUDE IS DEAD ON THE FLOOR.

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LOL ... talk about commitment.

There's a lot of talk about what to do and who commited the murder and then BLOOP a second actor dies. It's funny and weird. Can you imagine having strangers in your farmhouse mansion like this? I'm sure they're being paid a TON but like ... HELL TO THE NO. I can't believe this is happening, but I guess they have to have something to do while they're out here. This goes on for a bit and then Dorinda, who is CLEARLY over it just says ... I DID IT ... and the game ends. That's not how it works you guys, but after hours and hours of doing one of these ... Dorinda is being the hero you need at a murder mystery party. THEY TAKE TOO GD LONG!

Don't ever do it. NEVER EVER. Just have people over to your house and eat and drink a lot while wearing a silly costume. That's all you wanna do ... so just put on a dress and feather and have a lot of wine.

Now that the stupid game is done and everyone is a little liquored up Dorinda stirs the pot! She flat out asks if Bethenny and Carole are feeling tension in their relationship.

YASSS, HONEY. Dorinda is earning her paycheck tonight. Lookout, D! You're gonna have a second country home REAL SOON.

Carole says she feels the tension and acknowledges the shift in the relationship, and says she doesn't really know why. So much for easing into the conversation, dudes. Carole ... you know ... Carole without a voice? She goes through all of what she's heard from other people. She talks about Adam and Puerto Rico and the charity work ... ALLLLL of it. She's calm, cool, collected ... it's super adult. These nerds should be taking notes. It's how you have a real-ass conversation with a friend.

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It gets heated very quickly, obvi. You've met Bethenny, so you aren't surprised. B does the thing she usually does to people who confront her. She gets VERY LOUD and SCREAMY ... and does her bulldozer monologue bit. She does this with everyone at some point, but it's the first time we've seen it with Carole. BUT. Unlike all the other times we've seen this happen ... Radzi stays in it. She's not overwhelmed, she's not flustered, she's not drowning in the minutia Bethenny uses as a weapon. Carole defends herself and keeps at it.

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The camera pans away from their heated (AND LOUD) conversation and everyone else is VERY uncomfortable. It's like when your parents are fighting at dinner and you have to sit there and eat your dinner through the knife throwing. IT'S ROUGH. Carole wants to get to the bottom of the problem and Bethenny undercuts the talk all the way through. It's A LOT ... but it's also really amazing to see Carole in action in this way. It's not that she doesn't have a voice ... it's that we've never seen her use it in this way.

TO BE CONTINUED.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S DRAG RACE

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S DRAG RACE

BURN IT DOWN (HANDMAID'S TALE RECAP)

BURN IT DOWN (HANDMAID'S TALE RECAP)