TILL DEATH OR DISMEMBERMENT
Harry and Meghan tied the knot this weekend. They've probably already been advised how much dedication, silent resentment, and laborious amounts of side eye goes into building a successful marriage. But what happens when love goes wrong?
No, but seriously, WHAT HAPPENS??
Murder, that’s what happens.
In celebration of the Royal nuptials, we decided to dig up a few cases of couples who publicly professed their passions and then, well, cue the shitshow:
Long Island Lolita - In 1992, Mary Jo Buttafuoco opened her door to 17-year-old Amy Fisher, who was having an affair with Mary Jo’s big galoot of a man, Joey Buttafuoco. After a quick confrontation between the two woman, Amy shot Mary Jo in the face and things went south from there. Amy was convicted of the crime, but only after Mary Jo learned a vital life lesson way too late - ALL MEN ARE TRASH.
Talk about a dumpster fire, John Wayne Bobbitt’s dick was cut off by his wife, Lorena Bobbitt. She claimed that her husband raped her and had been abusive to her throughout their marriage, so she finally snapped. This particular evening in 1993, she cut off his pecker while he was sleeping, got into her car, and threw his penis into a field. #TeamLorena. Since MARITAL RAPE WASN’T A CRIME UNTIL THAT YEAR (1993), the courts basically let JWB go on this accusation and he later began a band called Severed Parts. Lorena was also determined to be “not guilty” but “legally insane” because OF COURSE. Fuck the patriarchy.
Linda and Burton Pugach were married 40ish years before her death in 2013. After starting a courtship with her in 1959, Burton began obsessing over Linda. When she found out he was married with a family and broke up with him, Burton’s male privilege kicked in like a mother fucker. He hired hitmen to blind her with lye. He served 14 years in prison for his crime. This story made headline news because not long after his prison term, Linda and Burton actually ended up married, which only goes to prove that love is the grossest thing that can ever happen to you.
Jodi Arias. Need I say more?
BREAKING: Kelly M. Cochran of Indiana was sentenced to 65 years in prison, last week, for killing her husband Jason, who allegedly helped murder her lover, Chris Regan! My guess is that the couple wanted to try this whole “open” relationship and decided to close it. She was quoted as saying that they made a “pact” to “kill off anyone involved in their extramarital affairs.” Kelly’s brother suspects that his sister may have served Regan’s body parts at a neighbor’s backyard bbq. Guess the secret to a lasting marriage is to keep it hot and saucy.
If your mom is curious why you’re still single, present her with this list and hold on tight to your personal massager, Netflix, and deadbolts.