GET OFF MY JOCK (RHONY RECAP)
That talk was real nice last week between Bethenny and Dorinda and it might have been the very first time I was able to see B as a real live human person. There. I said something nice. Now? Calling someone a drunk is really a lot and I don't wanna be in the business of telling anyone what to do, but like dial that back, girlfriend. It was real rude, but I can't act like I'm surprised, that's how Ms. B likes to do it. HOWEVER. If I take a minute, grab myself a few oreos and think about it ... maybe she had to pull out that big bad word to get Dorinda's attention. BUT IT STUNG, y'all. It stung. I didn't like it.
Anywho they land that plane and really do wonderful things for the people and you know I celebrate the work she has done and I applaud how she's using this show to let us know how terrible it is in Puerto Rico AND CONTINUES to be ... but ... Bethenny is using this moment to turn herself into Jesus Christ Superstar.
Meanwhile ... in downtown White Privilege Town. USA ... Ramona pops by Sonja's in a limo and whisks her away to go shopping somewhere outside NYC. FINALLY. GAH. Don't pretend like you didn't miss these two fools running around drunk and acting like teenage girls. Their mess is GORGEOUS and this show needs it. Otherwise we're just listening to Bethenny scream while she hands out gift cards and paints everything Skinny Girl Red. They have, what is for them, a real talk. Sonja was sad Ramona didn't stick up for her way back a couple episodes ago when Dorinda went nuclear about comparing a divorce to a death. BUT ... she can't be bothered to care right now because they're having fun and she sees this little outing as Ramona's apology.
Well that was a fun surprise what could possibly happen now? Well, friend, I'll see your messy shopping trip and raise you a delusional meeting with a cabaret director. LuAnn meets with a director and they talk about her dream of having a cabaret show. Did you know Lu sang on Broadway once? I can't figure out where or how or why, but it happened apparently? She tells us Liza (THE LIZA) saw her sing and sat back, snapped and said GIRL about the performance. Now, to me that sounds like maybe she was terrible or maybe Liza was FUCKED UP, but Lu wants us to believe that was Liza's version of praise. Ok, girl. Go on with your bad self.
Lu is scared of doing a cabaret show, so she knows that's they universe's way of telling her she has to do one. This director dude has her sing happy birthday so he can hear her singing voice. She sings it and it sounds fine. He's clearly as addicted to BRAVO as we are because he basically has a gay orgasm as she sings and grabs him by the face. It's ridiculous, but let this man life his very best homosexual life. When she finishes he says BEAUTIFUL and she says NICE RIGHT? Holy shit, my dudes. Nobody is this confident. I wish I had like 3% of her self love ... I'd be on Broadway my own damned self.
Hope you've had enough of these special moments ... because we're back in the city and all the ladies are getting together for dinner. Well, everyone except Dorinda. It's a good thing too since Sonja is feeling refreshed from her shopping trip and arrives all SUPER SONJA. She's nervous about being with all the girls AND about having to sit at the end of the table. Bethenny fresh off her I AM FIXING PUERTO RICO ALL BY MYSELF TOUR ... works to make Sonja feel comfortable and the two start talking about some dude she's dating.
Tins is, OF COURSE, still working through her feelings about Sonja. She also has the maturity of a 7th grader so of course she and Carole start giggling about Sonja and how Frenchie (the 900 year old dude Sonja was dating 3.4 minutes ago) is gone. Bethenny is visibly annoyed by this whole display. Have I said Bethenny is starring in Jesus Christ Superstar yet? Have I made that joke?
B decides to confront Tins for Sonja and says it's weird they aren't talking. It gets REAL LOUD and then Bethenny yells at them all for being loud. WHAT A MESS. Carole tries to defend Tins because can't no man fight her alone. SHE'S JUST SO LOUD AND BULLISH. And Bethenny gets nasty and starts fighting with Carole. It's sorta shocking because we hadn't reached this point between their drama this season, but HELLO we're here now. This get so aggressive that Carole uses B's catch phrase against her and says GET OFF MY JOCK. OH. MY. LORT. It's wonderful. It's maybe the greatest thing Carole has ever done outside getting to see Adam naked every day. This whole situation CLEARLY isn't really about the Tins & Sonja situation ... it's about how Carole and Beth are in a breakup.
The next day . . .
Carole goes to the offices of Cosmo to meet the editor to talk about a guest column they want her to do for the magazine. Carole is excited, she hasn't really done any writing in a couple years. How could she after that season where Aviva attacked her forever and threw her leg on the table. The project sounds cool ... and Carole tells a little of her own #MeToo story.
Dorinda meets Bethenny for lunch. They're still on a little bit of a high from their trip from Puerto Rico. Dorinda tells us she stayed in bed for two days after they returned. I meannnnnnnnnn ... you guys. I'm sure it was hard and moving and sparkling glitter and all the things but ... two days in bed? Pull it together, girl. The trip moved Dorinda so much than instead of running around getting her coffee and paper and whatnot in the mornings, now she takes a few minutes to herself to breathe and get centered. I don't even know what to say to this revelation.
Whatever. That's not even the point of this meeting. The point of this meeting is everything we have been waiting on since episode uno of this season.
SADDLE UP, FRIENDS.
Bethenny invited Adam (Yes, girl. Carole's Adam ... keep up) to come along with her on her trips to Puerto Rico to take pictures to document the work she is doing. Adam asked her what the comps were ... meaning ... what will the pay be. Bethenny was horribly offended by the question of money, since it's charity work and nobody is getting paid. Bethenny talked to Carole about it and Radzi defended him. WHY? BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE IS A ZILLIONAIRE AND CAN AFFORD TO RUN OFF AND WORK FOR FREE EVEN FOR A CHARITY, GIRL. Bethenny told Carole she thought he was a bit of an "operator" ... WTF does that even mean, you guys? Is that like some old lady word?
That's not even the worst of it. So that's what changed their friendship, but then Bethenny says Tins and Carole have more in common anyway ... Carole isn't married, doesn't have kids, or a career.
FINALLY. WE HAVE AN ANSWER.
Then because we need comedic relief, I mean I guess ... Sonja invites LuAnn and Ramona over to help her paint her patio furniture. I know this heaux is broke and bored but she's really gonna paint this jankey patio furniture? Like. REALLY? Yeah. These girls get all suited up in big white plastic suits and look like the government agents in E.T. and paint. They talk about the big screamy dinner. Sonja is glad Tins has Carole, but she's hurt and is missing her friend. Oh, baloney. Stop gossiping and being terrible about your "friend" and this shit won't happen.
Things couldn't possibly get any weirder, right? LOL JK. Carole has invited the girls to a book party at her friend Karen Duffy's house. Remember Karen Duffy? YOU DO GIRL YOU DO. FOCUS. Duffy or Duff as she was known back in the 90s was a VJ on MTV. So, if you're like me ... you saw her every day back in the good old 90s. Well, Karen is real weird about being on TV, which I find sorta shocking but she looks real good. Too bad we barely get to see her.
At the party Ramona talks to Carole and tells her she's proud of her for having a backbone and standing up to Bethenny. It sounds sorta nice for a sec (JUST ONE TINY SEC) and then Ramona says Bethenny called her a puppet who can't stand up for herself. It's pretty clear here that Ramona has a hard on because she has finally found someone who can help her tackle Bethenny.
Carole dismisses the whole conversation, because Ramona can't be trusted ... she's a bit of an instigator. The minute Bethenny arrives Carole asks her about it and she denies saying it ... but then in the interview she basically admits she said everything but didn't actually use the word PUPPET. It feels like another wrestling match might happen, especially when Bethenny confronts Ramona for putting the word puppet in her mouth ... but then Dorinda anounces she's hosting a murder mystery party in the Berkshires next weekend and everyone forgets everything they've ever been mad about ever.
OK. BUT. I want Carole and Bethenny to make up now. Can I have that please? PLEASE?