TEARS AND SCHNITZEL (RHOBH RECAP)
Money can buy you a lot of things but tonight I learned it can’t buy you culture or a sense of history or geography because the only thing the RHOBH know about Germany is beer and schnitzel. Ironic, because they don’t consume calories. Maybe they only learned about what to avoid on their luxury German vacation.
Lisa R, Teddi, and Kyle traipse off to a cafe and confuse a very stern waiter with requests for soy and almond milk in their vanilla lattes and Eggs Benedict with fully cooked eggs and Hollandaise sauce on the side. They send everything back. I desperately hope the waiter added full-fat milk to everything, as a way to retain a piece of his humanity after interacting with these divas.Meanwhile Dorit, Lisa, and Erika commission a personal shopper named Axël to tend to their every couture need at some high-end boutique. The ladies squawk at Axël from their dressing rooms, demanding assistance, like
three baby birds incapable of feeding themselves. Axël shuttles between dressing rooms, covered in fur and leather, trying to stroke their fragile egos while fitting them for pants. I would like to see the extra footage where Axël has a nervous breakdown and is last seen being wheeled away on a gurney, mumbling to himself about the woman with the terrible wig and unplaceable accent.
After a morning well-spent pissing off German service people, the ladies take off for an afternoon of horse-riding. Lisa R’s horse goes rogue and she almost loses control until Teddi horse-whispers to it and saves the day. Kyle rides a little pony but has a terrible allergic reaction because she is terribly allergic to horses. Which she knew before mounting the pony. Did she ride a horse just to ruin this horse outing? Kyle is convinced she’s going into anaphylactic shock but really it’s a panic attack. This would seem mildly dramatic except this show used to feature a non-functioning alcoholic, a woman in a physically abusive relationship, and the Devil herself, Brandi Glanville, so I’m yawning.
The ladies make it make back to the hotel and Erika throws an in-suite dinner party where she dresses like Marlene Dietrich and Lisa R dresses like a disco ball.
The ladies are served beautiful veal tartare and no one eats it because it’s baby cow, except for Erika who insists she has international tastes. As someone who LOVES raw meat, veal tartare is hardly considered international anymore and it’s fucking delicious. Also, I’m pretty sure most of these women wear baby cow, so dismount your soapboxes PUH-LEASE.
Then for some godforsaken reason, Dorit confronts Kyle again about their fight in NYC and Lisa VP tries to mediate. Kyle is upset that Lisa never takes her side and yes, we saw this a few episodes ago and yes, it is as mind-numbing as you can imagine. There are however, some amazing shots of Erika and Lisa R eating food shadily, as if to say, again with this BS? Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.
Teddi suggests that if the ladies don’t want to fight they should stop bad-mouthing each other and Lisa VP shushes her like one would a petulant child. If Teddi hasn’t learned that one needs conflict to be a cast member on RHOBH, then she’ll be made to learn.
The dinner ends with Dorit blaming Kyle for “panty-gate,” a story line from last year where Dorit made much ado about Erika wearing a dress sans-underwear. Dorit may not know the definition of gaslighting but she’s a damn master.
The next morning, Lisa VP and Kyle have another heart-to-heart about friendship in a cold German park and god I hope this storyline is over. It’s aging me decades.
Next, it’s off to a Holocaust memorial where Kyle and Dorit reveal their connections to the Holocaust. It gets deep and profound and Dorit weeps in an interview about her family’s experience in the Holocaust but she also refers to concentration camps in Siberia. Now I hate to be a noodge when you’re getting emotional Dorit, but Siberia had the Gulag but not Nazi Concentration Camps. Maybe now was not the right time to point that out, so sorry?
Anyway, the ladies seems to be getting along because nothing unites a group of sometimes-friends like genocide.
Erika teaches the women about the Memorial’s architectural significance and then takes the women to the Berlin Wall where she reflects on how fragile freedom is. How is a woman who dressed up as a Harajuku doll to eat Japanese food the most profound person in the group?
Then the ladies head to a beer hall and seem to eat and drink, allegedly. Then dance, they sing, they live into all that Germany has to offer. Which is, according to them, beer and schnitzel.