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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

BUCKLE UP, BITCHES (RHONY RECAP)

BUCKLE UP, BITCHES (RHONY RECAP)

Praise the Lord and cue up the CeCe Peniston.

Yes, girl. Your favorite Housewives are back, and you need some reading music. Lucky for you I am a full service devotee to the ladies of New York City ... all you need to do is click play and you're all set with a little mood music. There’s no election drama this year (PRAISE OPRAH) but there will be a marathon attack on your will to not reach into your TV and snatch Sonja’s tongue out of her head, hand Ramona a Xanax, slide Dorinda a couple cups of coffee, and not go deaf from all of Bethenny's screaming. BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW!?

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We kick off the season with an exhausting mini montage. Ramona is redecorating, Sonja is trying on costumes while her MARRON DOG (what in the world) watches. Bethenny is with her glam squad (Bitch, be nice to Erika Jayne ... we see you). Tins is still living at a hotel and giggle, giggle her dog pisses on the floor (to distract us from the fact that she's still living in a hotel, perhaps). Your girl Carole is running, and now that you're totally drained let's focus!

Sweet, sweet, darling Dorinda is throwing a Halloween Party. The theme is famous people (dead or alive). D is going as Lady Gaga and has ordered a bubble dress like the one Gaga wore on SNL, but GASSSP ... it's a bubble dress KIT. The costume arrives and it's in pieces! WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO? Uhhh ... duh ... if you're a millionaire you call up your costume designer friend from SNL who actually made the original bubble dress for Lady G and ask him to help you make your box full of crafting supplies work.

While we're all busy rolling our eyes? Bethenny checks in with us and talks about all the charity work she has been doing since we last saw her. I want to make fun of it all and say it’s showing off but I can’t because bitch chartered planes to get supplies to Puerto Rico and a bunch of other pretty rad stuff. It’s amazing. She has invited Ramona and Tins to a charity gala for Delivering Good where she’s being honored.

Yeah. You read that correctly. Bethenny invited Ramona and Tinsley.

Mmmm hmmm.

Just the two of them.

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Ramona is shocked Carole isn’t there with them. And you’re a RHONY super fan like myself, so you know there’s some Carole/Bethenny drama on the way. This is Ramona getting out her extra fat and bright pink highlighter while making thunder noises so we are sure to notice the foreshadowing. Though I gotta say, I’m sorta shocked we’re getting into this Carole/Beth mess in EPISODE UNO.

WHEW GIRL.

Meanwhile ... The Countess shows up at Dorinda’s. Hiiiiiiiii Countess, we’ve been SO worried. She goes into how she was very happy, and she loved Tom, and she did everything she could but here she is divorced. And just when you're ready to throw your pitcher of Margs at your gorgeous TV ... she gets real and admits that everything the girls were saying last season (AHEM AND THE SEASON BEFORE) was true. Lu comes clean to Dorinda, and it’s sorta magic.

Sorta, because the most magic-est part is the editors are SUPER SHADY and give us old footage with the other girls reading The Countess (and Tom) for filth. You feel bad for LuLu, but you're cry laughing while you do it. It's just so messy!

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Carole visits Tins and tells us they have become very good friends. Tins has room service deliver a cheese tray because DUH. This hotel room slash apartment is ... aiiiight. I thought people living in hotel rooms only happened on All My Children, but what do I know. We discover Tins and Scott have broken up. She didn’t really love that he lived in Chicago. Did we know he lived in Chicago? I don't know that I knew that last year? Likeeee how could we ever expect that to work? What was he like shacking up in this hotel room with Tins? Quit it. Rich people are crazy.

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We also discover Carole is still sorta kinda seeing Adam. They aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend, but they sometimes get it on. Listen, I love these two. They can do whatever they want. Have you seen his hair? By hair of course I mean HIS ASS. Girl. LIKE I SAID. They can do whatever they want.

Ramona and Sonja meet up at a super creepy Halloween looking shop presumably to get something to wear to Dorinda’s party. These two are in a weird place. Their energy is off. Sonja tells us she spent the summer in Europe and got fat, then went to Costa Rico to juice herself skinny. Though through the whole story she uses that fake voice she uses that keeps you from believing a single breath of her monologue. Ramona listens and tries to not strangle her and then tells us Sonja spent the whole summer in the Hamptons and never reached out to her. So likeeeee ... which is it my dude? Did you go to Europe or were you hiding? When is she going to get real? Is that even possible?

Bethenny’s dog died? Yeah. POOF. Just like that we're getting a dog update. There’s a lot of old video showing Cookie and then Bethenny having a crying attack on Instagram. I mean. Aiight. I get it, but also this Saint Bethenny routine is really wearing me out.

And ... I think that catches us up with everybody.

GAH.

Might as well go to this Halloween Party, huh?

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The party is at one of these big open mysterious and bourgie lofty looking hotel spaces where all these NYC parties are held. There are a lot of people there. Who are all these people? Did Bravo hire friends for Dorinda? Is any of this real? Suddenly I feel like I'm being lied to ... I don't think these other people are in costume. I'd be so pissed if I was paid to be at this party and then didn't get to get in close and stare at the girls and make faces at the camera. That's also probably why I would never be hired to be at this party.

Ah, well. At least at long, long, long last all of the girls are together in one place at one time. Sonja arrives and is hanging back at the bar with Roco (ahem … the old dude she was half dating last season when she wasn’t fucking that hot French dude). Anyway. She’s at the bar with this dude sorta half watching the other girls hang out together. It’s weird. She says it's because Roco has to leave early and she should spend time with him? Why did she even bring him to the party? He looks like her father, which is super hilarious since she's no spring chicken. It begs the question you always ask when you see Sonja ... WTF IS SHE DOING?

Then LuAnn shows up as Diana Ross.

RECORD SCRATCH.

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Yeah. Old girl is basically in black face. I mean she’s not in full on Sister Act makeup, but there is a makeup situation happening and WTF, dude. How can someone be this clueless? Everyone has big eyes and then Dorinda, who is already slurring a bit at THE TOP OF THE PARTY … gets sassy about how Sonja STILL has not come over to say hello. She’s getting amped. This is episode 5 or 6 Dorinda. I guess they're not gonna warm us up and just throw us right back into the fire this season. I’m so glad we don’t have to wait a few episodes for her to lose it. So over and over she says, “WHEN YOU WALK INTO A DINNER PARTY YOU GREET THE HOST, WHEN YOU WALK INTO A DINNER PARTY YOU GREET THE HOST, WHEN YOU WALK INTO A DINNER PARTY YOU GREET THE HOST.”

…and then Sonja comes over from her self imposed exile. I was expecting somebody to lose a wig or a tooth or a real woop it up moment ... but it's a giant NOTHINGBURGER.

Let’s talk about these costumes.

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  • Carole (Amelia Earhart): It’s totally on brand and cute.
  • Dorinda (Lady Gaga): It’s the Gaga bubble dress, I guess? Good idea … and alright execution.
  • Tinsley (Madonna): Like a Virgin Madonna … it’s cute but basic AF.
  • Sonja (Lucile Ball): Really? You're a burlesque performer. This is best you can give me?
  • Ramona (Britney Spears): She serves us Hit Me Baby One More Time REALNESS. It’s pretty hot. I mean would your mom wear a red latex body suit and go to a bar? I didn't think so.
  • Bethenny (Barbie): It’s Barbie? She’s wearing a blonde wig and a lot of pink and tells us a drag queen put her look together, which I think is supposed to give her cachet. Nah, girl. You look a mess.
  • The Countess (A Racist): She’s supposed to be Queen Ross, but GTFO with this costume. What a jackass.

Winner: Ramonna ... by like 26.2 miles (hi. that's a marathon joke)

Whoa. Did I mention that Dorinda is SHIT FACED? She’s black out drunk. She’s slurring, she’s telling Carole she should come over after the marathon and she’ll make her a roast chicken and they can share their deepest darkest secrets while lying in her bed, she’s playing with her bubble dress, and then John has to take her home. Hilariously? She doesn’t say goodbye to anyone … so … I guess this makes Dorinda and Sonja even.

LuAnn confronts Carole for not contacting her when she got a divorce. Ramona and Bethenny go back and forth about where to buy a place in the Hamptons. While these screaming matches rekindle Sonja makes faces and Tins watches silently like she’s at a tennis match. Thank goodness none of them wasted any time pretending to be anyone other than who they are.

The more things change …

MADAME BUTTRFACE (RPDR RECAP)

MADAME BUTTRFACE (RPDR RECAP)

TEARS AND SCHNITZEL (RHOBH RECAP)

TEARS AND SCHNITZEL (RHOBH RECAP)