heauxs.jpeg

Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

BEAUTIFUL DISASTER (RHONY RECAP)

BEAUTIFUL DISASTER (RHONY RECAP)

OHiiiiiiiiii. Nice to see you again. Where were we?

tumblr_p4z7fexmKz1vrjwbvo1_500.gif

OH YEAH.

We were right in the middle of a glorious melt down from Dorinda. Wait, that's not sarcastic. This one is well deserved and I'm pretty sure isn't totally fueled by vodka. Pretty sure? I didn't hear any slurring, or maybe I've be come acclimated to her drunk language? Oh my god. Wait. Am I drunk right now? Can somebody bring me an iced tea? Thanks. We pick up this week moments after Sonja has compared (EQUATED) her divorce to the death of Dorinda's husband. GIRL! I KNOWWW. What.

PAUSE!

If you do some deep yoga breathing and try to listen to everything coming out of Dorinda's mouth here you learn some stuff you may not know. The divorce was 12 years ago (2006), dude left Sonja for her friend, Sonja was off in the south of France screwing around (whatever that means). Now, this might all be gossip and worthless, but ... EYEBALL EMOJI.

Johnadamsvp.flipped.jpg

Also, YOU GUYS, upon further investigation? This dude? He's currently 87. Sonja is 54. I don't wanna judge anybody's age but just know I'm looking at you over my glasses while doing that math. That's him to the right. LOL JK. That's John Quincy Adams our 2nd president and John Adams Morgan's great great great great grandfather. Shit, y'all didn't know you were coming here for a history lesson. The Lord works in mysetrious ways, my dude. AND ALSO ALSO? They were only married from 1998 - 2006. That's less than 10 years and they've been apart longer than they were together. Now, I know money can really fuck you up and may you tingle down south and stuff, but ... this sad, hard, terrible difficult time for Sonja business is pretty tired. It's ridiculous. The ladies (except for Lu for whatever reason) are over it and so am I.

BOOM.

tumblr_p7s0voa3511vrjwbvo1_500.gif

We're back at Dorinda's explosion and we have all this new info and ... I don't know about you but it's hard for me to take Sonja serious on a random day and especially in this moment. This whole thing is classic Dorinda, CLASSIC Housewives. It's a god damned delight. It's gorgeous. D is so upset she has to leave. Lu and Ramona try to calm Dorinda but it doesn't work. She can't hear any more of Sonja's bullshit and so she and Ramona leave.

4de37ccd3458fa5eac963b189f605aa2.jpg

Need a breather? You're in luck. Bethenny bought a house and it's cute, she takes Carole and Tins to see it. This little mansion might be on the wrong side of the highway according to Ramona but it's sexy AF, friends. But whatever. Who can give one single fuck about this when Ramona is throwing a party tonight to celebrate Carole's marathon. I'll try to wait patiently for the ladies to christen this place with skinny dips and skinny margaritas. Call me if you need a house gay, Beth. I AM AVAILABLE.

Now back to work!

402B569500000578-0-image-a-5_1494432770692.jpg

The evening starts with Ramona mashing potatoes before guests arrive. Like she has an old school potato masher. No machines for these little spuds, we're keeping it CLASSIC in the Hamptons, y'all. I guess this is her attempt to prove to us she's not useless in the kitchen? It's so silly I can't even crack a smile. We ain't fooled girl. We know you got a servant for all the jobs, so quit playing. Guests start arriving and Dorinda's boyfriend John is the only person we really know. More and more people come and they're all Ramona's friends. Isn't this supposed to be a party for Carole? LOL. OK. I can't help but feel bad for these fools, you know the shit is about to hit the fan.

The night's most noticeable characteristic? The fashion is goofy AF!

04-rhony-1001-2.w710.h473.jpg

No that's not the Marathon party, silly. That's a pic from Halloween, but it's not far off from what these girls were wearing last night. First? Carole is wearing a skin tight body suit that looks like she's had her entire body tattooed. AND OVER THAT? She's wearing a short leather dress thing? She looks great and I love it, but also ... WTF is she wearing? Bethenny gives Carole a hard time about it, but then B is serving her usual IM WEARING A MUPPET look that she's always sporting. Seriously. It looks like she bleached Oscar the grouch and turned him into a coat. Dennis (B's date) is wearing some sort of Ed Hardy knock off sweater. It's apparently Gucci, but nah girl it's not cute. It's really not, but Dorinda says she likes it and gushes at this dude about his perfectly shaped head and how she loves bald men. Totally not awkward at all as John watches with his full head of hair from across the table.

bethenny-thats-why-rhony.gif

LuAnn and Sonja arrive and you can almost hear the asses in the room clench. My favorite part of this entrance is how Lu has her hair in what appears to be corn rows. I mean the girls just gave her a hard time for doing black face at the Halloween party 3 minutes ago and now she's in corn rows? WHAT? Maybe she just doesn't realize her wig fell off? That's what I'm saying, y'all IT IS A MESS. Sonja is wearing a sequined top she borrowed from Lu? Can this bish not stay out of her friend's closets?

GAH. THESE FASHIONS.

tumblr_p7s11xGJ7i1vrjwbvo1_500.gif

Aside from these questionable sartorial choices it's a pretty tame night, so what do you say we TURN UP THE VOLUME. LuAnn is seated across from Bethenny and Dennis at the table and she starts up a conversation with them. She asks when they met. Dennis says around 1988, and then Bethenny says you know when we met. Then there are flashbacks to last season's reunion and LuAnn is there accusing Bethenny of dating a married man. Lu is clearly caught and a little embarrassed. Bethenny tells her this is the dude she invented stories about at the reunion and she should apologize. Lu actually does say she's sorry. It's awkward, but also BEAUTIFUL. I love it when karma kicks a housewife in the ding ding so clearly. The best is Dorinda's interview during this awkward AF moment. She can't even speak she's so delighted that Lu has stuck her foot in her mouth ON CAMERA.

tumblr_p7s18v7aDV1vrjwbvo1_500.gif

Oh, and I guess we've gone 34 seconds without Sonja making an ass of herself so we start to hear her talking REAL LOUD about Roco. You know Roco. He's that old dude she came to the Halloween party with? The one she made dress like Ricky Ricardo? I guess has a type and it's OLD ASS DUDES. She's saying something about dating this dude and Dorinda (blessed be) who might have hit Ramona's Pinot stash at this point starts saying you're lying you're lying you're lying you're lying. By saying, of course, I mean SCREAMING it at her down the table.

LOL for these poor fools who don't know these girls.

Sonja says she's not lying and then Tins wakes up from whatever slumber she has been in and says ... NAH YOU DONT LIE ALL THE TIME, NAH. Then we go into their drama. Tins brings up the $5K gift card that Tins gave her at a party last season, and Scott paying for everything for her ... you know ... ALLLLLLL the gossip ... and then asks how much does she owe her and whips out a check.

Tinsley-Mortimer-Screaming-Dinner-RHONY.jpg

PAUSE FOR LAUGHS.

Wait. You know I love Tinsley Randolph Mortimer (Hi, that's her actual name I know how to use Google), but am I really supposed to believe this girl is carrying around a check book like some actual housewives from the 1980s? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Anywho ... she whips a check out and asks how much she should write the check for and then declares she's writing a check for $2,000, except of course she doesn't have a pen. Then there's some weird comic relief where Tins runs to the kitchen asking the staff if she can borrow a pen. She comes back and throws the check at Sonja. I think this is supposed to prove how cavalier she can be with money? Sonja throws it back at her. Sigh. This is some seriously amateur back and forth drama. It's not enough for the Hamptons, or RHONY, or this dinner table, so Bethenny (LOL) takes the check from Tins and burns it in the flame of one of the candles.

 ...only pic of the bodysuit I could find.

...only pic of the bodysuit I could find.

FINALLY. A PROFESSIONAL DRAMA QUEEN.

Then suddenly a cake with several candles comes out for Carole and Ramona starts scream singing "Congratulations to you" to the tune of the birthday song. It's everything you'd expect your drunk mom to do for you and your friends. No one joins Ramona in song, but EVERYONE bursts into applause. These people are so happy to have something to focus on other than burning money and screaming. It's hilariously WEIRD.

What a BEAUTIFUL DISASTER. Carole is not having this party PS. She's disappointed there's no marathon memorabilia. AND ALSO ... who are all these other people? Who could blame her, but what are you gonna do this party is super RAMONA IN THE HAMPTONS.

Full-Cast-Dinner-RHONY.jpg

At some point Sonja takes Dorinda away from the table and tries to almost apologize. At least I think that's what she thinks she's doing? She mostly just talks about how losing her happy marriage was like a death to her. Then she goes into a monologue about coming off antidepressants and hormones and juicing. Dorinda wants to wait and talk to her about all of it later. This might be the smartest thing Dorinda has ever done. Sonja is lucky Dorinda doesn't engage with her, I meannnnn they're standing in the kitchen. Sonja could wind up with a knife in her head and potato masher up her butt.

Next morning…

D and Ramona are hanging out reviewing the night's events. While they're talking? Ramona gets a long text from Sonja. Super long. MOM LONG. It's next level. It's aggressive (DUH) and hurtful. Basically Sonja thinks Ramona should have stuck up for her at Lu's brunch and at the dinner and she's upset. They laugh it off and go meet the other ladies for brunch.

180411_3699832_Is_Scott_Footing_Tinsley_s_Bill_.jpg

Carole and Tins are the first to arrive and decide to try to avoid drama and protect themselves from Sonja by making place cards for the table. They sit themselves at one end of the table and Sonja at the other. BUT! They put Ramona right across from Sonja, because WHY NOT. The girls get there one by one and of course the last person there is Ramona. When she realizes she's going to have to sit across from Sonja she makes up some half baked excuse to sit at the other end of the table so she doesn't have to deal with the drama.

WHAT A MESS! Last season may have been all about Tom, but this season is ALLLLLL about watching Sonja burst into flames and self destruct. I can't wait to see if they get up on the table and wrestle in their eggs.

JUNE (HANDMAID'S TALE RECAP)

JUNE (HANDMAID'S TALE RECAP)

THANK YOU, HOT JESUS (WE TALK JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR)

THANK YOU, HOT JESUS (WE TALK JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR)