WE'RE TALKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S DRAG RACE
ADRIENNE: Jeremy! I just went through cable box hell to get this episode of Drag Race on so I really hope it delivers me some VANGIE good times.
JEREMY: Girl. You can’t be living without cable. IT'S TOO HARD.
ADRIENNE: Who do you like right now? Who are we rooting for?
JEREMY: Monet X Change, Mayhem, Asia, Blair St Clair, and my girl Eureka … but like I’m into them all kinda … but keep that Vixen out of my path, she makes me wanna throw marbles on the dance floor. I don’t know how to spell any of these names.
ADRIENNE: AGREED. Like it’s a sad day when we can’t get behind our Chicago queen, but sorry Vixen, I don't like a nasty attitude.
JEREMY: Yeah. You know I love Chicago, but BYYEEE GRRRRL.
ADRIENNE: And I’m still feeling my fashion queen Aquaria! Ok, we're back in the workroom, blah blah. Miz Cracker: “When you give a gift, you have to give it freely.” I want to make fun of her for this zen ass shit, but like, that’s real. So many assholes give gifts with all sorts of contingencies so Imma let Miz Cracker take me to church on this one.
JEREMY: THOSE NAILS IS WILD. QUIT IT.
ADRIENNE: Holy shit here comes Ru and she's so pink she’s bled into the wallpaper I can’t even see her.
JEREMY: Instant migraine.
ADRIENNE: It's like we're in the Royal Tenebaums. Or a Zach Braff movie that wants to be a Wes Anderson movie.
JEREMY: They gotta become an army of drag queens? Ain’t that what the show already is? These quick fires. Lord. Just give me the challenge and make this show 60 damned minutes.
ADRIENNE: Hahahahahahaha. I love quick drag and the pit crew and the mini challenges! I ain't trying to hear any shade. Also, I love Eureka’s quick drag.
JEREMY: Fine. I like Aquaria. What do I win?
ADRIENNE: I knew The Vixen was gonna win the mini challenge as soon as she dropped it like it was hot and started flinging billzzzzz. She looked like a lost member of Destiny’s Child during the Survivor years.
JEREMY: Yeah that was super rad. Her quick drag is LIT. Can I say that or am I too old? Those other girls looked like they were doin’ REAL QUICK drag.
ADRIENNE: Totally. Like a frat boy dressing up in drag for Halloween because he thinks he's cute. But I am here for this trashy talk show challenge. You know Sally Jessy and Sargeant Zulu changed my life.
JEREMY: SCREAMING. You know I only watched Oprah. Those other shows were messy and you know I like to keep it klassy.
ADRIENNE: I’m already hoping Eureka and Aquaria slay the house down. I love both those crazy bitches and a damn underdog. The Vixen can slink on outta here with all that hate.
JEREMY: SHANIA TWAIN? A GUEST JUDGE? Call 911. I’m dead.
ADRIENNE: I mean, Shania should only show up to sing that one song from 1999 at weddings.
JEREMY: Adrienne. That don’t impress me much. (LOL I THINK IM FUNNY)
ADRIENNE: Who’s bed have your boots been under, bitch?
JEREMY: From this moment … You’re still the one …
ADRIENNE: Any man of mine, gonna walk the line, AND DO IT IN DRAG.
JEREMY: RUNWAY. Gonna walk the run. Mf. way.
ADRIENNE: UM JEREMY...MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN.
JEREMY: LOL. SAME.
ADRIENNE: That song must be why Ru invited her. I approve now.
JEREMY: VANGIE. GD. I love it when Vangie shows up unexpectedly.
ADRIENNE: OMG DR. DILL IS JEWISH! I just burst out laughing. Fine, Miz Cracker, fine. You’re growing on me. Also, can i say Mother, Darling when referring to myself or no? VANGIE.
(This show really does not need to be an hour and a half. Also, BRING BACK SANTINO.)
JEREMY: These improvs make me nervous. I don’t like watching improv in town and I sure don’t want it on my TV. I’m so scared they’re gonna suck.
ADRIENNE: This Blair / Cactus bit is so dumb, but I’m still enjoying it, lol. I had a full LOL at these wig snatches and Vangies!
JEREMY: It’s funny, but Blair made me real nervous.
ADRIENNE: What is this hip pads mess. Pica, but with hip pads? WTF LOL. This pica / huffing segment has got to go.
JEREMY: Morgan really kinda kills it. That panty huffing? Whoa.
ADRIENNE: I can't with the panty huffing. Girl, I'm on Bumble - that shit is too real. But TAKE ME TO PICKLE TOWN. I’m sorta living for Mayhem’s overacting right now. And Cracker’s pickle costume. Though her pickle puns punted.
JEREMY: The pickle bit is funny, but they take a minute to get there. They’re definitely GERKIN us around. BWAAAAHAHAHAHA
ADRIENNE: HIGH FIVE. We gotta move to LA. I mean, why aren’t we in this studio audience???
JEREMY: Who are these people? Lucky jerks.
ADRIENNE: Um Vixen ummm ….. what’s that shake and go wig?
JEREMY: There are like 5 hairs in that thing.
ADRIENNE: WIG REVEAL! WIG REVEAL! A wig reveal really does make everything better.
JEREMY: That was THEBEST.
ADRIENNE: Jeremy, there are people who really do want to live as babies. Did you know that? They pee in diapers and it's sexual.
JEREMY: I did not know that and I don’t wanna judge people’s choices, but. NO THANK YOU.
ADRIENNE: Eureka’s baby!!! YAS. YAS. YAS. I am living for her. I knew Aquaria and Eureka were gonna slay.
JEREMY: Aquaria’s tuck is like … I had to pause my tv and check it out up close.
ADRIENNE: It’s amazing. So are her America’s Next Top Model poses in the diaper.
JEREMY: DAMNIT. I don’t wanna like her but I’m INNNNNNto it.
ADRIENNE: I know, she’s bitchy. But she’s pulling me in. She’s a fashion queen, she should be a bitch. She’s the Naomi Campbell of the group. We can only pray she throws a cell phone at someone. I prefer her supercilious bitchiness over The Vixen’s aggressive bitchiness any day. And I don’t care at all about this Eureka / Vixen drama.
JEREMY: CO-SIGN. Personal drama on this show puts me to sleep. KEEP IT ON THE RUNWAY, BITCH.
ADRIENNE: I completely agree, it’s always a snooze. Unless it’s Alyssa and Coco. LOOK AT HOW ORANGE YOU LOOK GIRL.
JEREMY: Deep sigh. I don’t care about any of this.
ADRIENNE: Jeez Is The Vixen the Jude of Drag Race? I won’t shake hands, i don’t need physical confirmation, I still have reservations. LOL calm the fuck down girl, it ain’t that deep.
THAT WAS A LITTLE LIFE REFERENCE JEREMY.
JEREMY: Whew. That book. Don’t poke the bear ...
ADRIENNE: Time for the RHINESTONE COWBOY DENIM COUNTRY ONE PIECE AND A BISCUIT RUNWAY. Ru looks like a beautiful wedding cake! I love it.
JEREMY: ...made of glitter and cocaine. Shania couldn’t update her hair for 2018? Don’t she know any gays in Nashville?
ADRIENNE: GIRL! PREACH. And I’m pretty sure Shania would definitely wear The Vixen’s bedazzled mermaid denim dress. Kameran Michaels boobs look fake as fuck all the way over here. And not in a good way. They're #fratboydrag
JEREMY: I don’t know a thing about tits, but those are a mess.
ADRIENNE: I want to wear Blair’s giant ass wig everywhere. I'm telling you, she gives me so many First Lady Mellie Grant vibes.
JEREMY: I love Aquaria and Asia. These denim looks are killing it … but what about this look on Eureka?
ADRIENNE: Eureka can do no wrong for me tonight. She's straight up full figured Dollywood realness.
JEREMY: I guess a pantsuit is new and fun, I just wanted something bigger and more dramatic.
ADRIENNE: I can’t help wishing someone had come out in the Britney / Justin matching denim look of 2000. LOL.
JEREMY: LOL YASSS
ADRIENNE: Ru’s makeup looks great tonight. That red lip with that white hair!
JEREMY: This man says Shania is the reason he’s doing drag and Shania can barely move her damned face and has like 3 words for her. LOL. Shania don't give one single fuck.
ADRIENNE: Shania is like 75 years old, Jeremy. They’ve frozen her entire face.
JEREMY: She must be drinking botox. That hair. I can’t get past it.
ADRIENNE: BROWN COW, STUNNING! This is my new catch phrase, thank you very much.
JEREMY: GIRL THATS A GIRAFFE … I mean a long necked cow. I feel bad for Monet she’s one of my faves.
ADRIENNE: Her makeup looks bad tonight tho, girl. I’m happy for Eureka! She killed it today. And also, going out nekkid on national TV is scary AF. Proud of her.
JEREMY: Agree. I love Eureka. I’m still not feeling that jumpsuit. CHOCOLATE JUDD! She ought to win based on that comment alone. I’m so happy Eureka won this week! EAT IT, VIXEN.
ADRIENNE: MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE! We called that shit! Who are we rooting for???
JEREMY: Monet. Monet is killing it. She should be in the bottom every week, she’s a fucking great lipsyncer. Like. DAMN.
ADRIENNE: Generally I’m unimpressed with stripping on the runway. Like Monet is stumbling around with her pants half off but she’s really going for the acting moments. Mayhem seemed sweet, bye, girl, bye.
JEREMY: Monet better do some deep yoga breathing and get her shit together for next week. I can't her going home yet. NOT YET GIRL!
ADRIENNE: These queens have exhausted me, I have to go to bed. But girl, I'm starting to think this season is LIT?
JEREMY: Yeah. It saved us from that mess that was ALL STARS. What a clunker that was! I'm into this season. It feels, dare I say it ... FRESH.