ONE SAD TRUMPET SOUND (RHOBH SEASON FINALE)
The season finale of RHOBH is upon us. This season came in like a lamb and has gone out like one of Lisa Vanderpump’s aged pomeranians. Quiet, sad, and a conclusive waste of time and resources.
Dorit and her potato kebab husband PK are still the most obnoxious couple to ever hit the West Coast, and I’m including Heidi and Spencer in that equation. Dorit is ready for her big Beverly Beach fashion show. There are palm trees, thong bathing suits, and lots of black and gold. In short, this looks like a scene out of that HBO series about the Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada. PK is wearing a huge chain and only half the buttons on his shirt are done up so he’s doing a great job of approximating a coked-out Hollywood producer, especially for a kebab. Dorit confesses that before having children, she was synonymous with being a business woman and a designer. Okay, Dorit. Just like before I had my kid, I was synonymous with being a character in the Anne of Green Gables series. We both can dream, right?
The other women arrive at the fashion show and everyone coos over Camille’s enormous engagement ring (get it, girl!). It’s amazing that just a mere seven years ago, Camille was the most hated housewife in history and now, we’re all actively rooting for her. It speaks to her growth and our vapidity.
Dorit is backstage fussing over the bow of some bikini for about 30 minutes and then it’s catwalk time! The fashion show goes well, I guess. I don’t see much fashion in the swimwear and it looks like there are a TON of empty seats at this shindig but the women gush over everything they see and make lots of jokes about needing custom extra/large sizes. Ha. Ha. Ha. Because they. Ha. loathe. Hahah. Their bodies. HA! Stop, it’s too funny.
The ladies congratulate Dorit and then gather for some après-catwalk libations. Lisa VP reveals that she cut Dorit from her Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine because the editor felt Dorit was too negative during the shoot. Kyle jokingly asks to be featured in Dorit’s place and that sets Dorit off. She demands to know if Kyle has any grievances so Kyle brings up some old accusations that Dorit made about her being involved in last year’s scandale-du-jour known as Panty Gate (she wasn’t involved). Erika, who was at the center of Panty Gate, could have defended Kyle but chose to stay pretty mum on the issue because how many fucks does she give? Zero. Dorit and Kyle snipe at each other and then Kyle leaves crying. Dorit declares that Kyle has ruined another one of her big nights (this and her magazine cover party in NYC), even though Dorit instigated this exchange.
I’m concerned that this conflict is going to feature prominently during the reunion, and if that’s the case, I’d rather listen to the un-autotuned version of Countess Luann’s Money Can’t Buy You Class. Which is a punishment I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
In keeping with the motif of monotony and emptiness, Harry Hamlin gets a haircut in his backyard while Lisa R reflects on staying out of drama this year. She is proud that she is not feuding with anyone and says it so many times that methinks the lady doth protest too much. I long for the godforsaken days of Lisa R accusing women of having Munchausens, now that I see that a world without Lisa R drama is like black and white Kansas before we kill a witch and take off down the yellow brick road.
Lisa VP adopted a new dog that she named Binky Boo that looks just like Ken. The more things change...She also does a lot of interviews in gazillion-dollar gowns while holding her pets which speaks to her level of wealth. I wouldn’t hold an opinion while wearing those gowns let alone something that could poop on me.
Finally, everyone joins Kyle at her new beautiful house to view American Woman. She and Dorit agree to a detente which you know will be reneged upon come the reunion. Then we get a sweet little update on everyone--the only update that matters is that Erika’s book is on the NYT bestseller list. Also, Kyle’s new house was burglarized and everything was stolen. Appropriate for a season of TV that was one long sad trumpet sound.